Losing my Mum at 17

Losing a parent
1

Hi,

I lost my Mum just over a year ago in April 2023 and I’ve not been able to function normally since, everyday is different and unpredictable and I don’t know what to do.

The pain is unbearable, i’ve never felt a feeling like it in my life and it takes over my whole body to the point i cant physically move to eat, shower, brush my teeth or go to college. I miss her so much. I miss her voice, her laugh and smile, her hugs and holding her hand. She was ill for around 2 years before she died and she was so miserable, I feel guilty for not doing more to make her feel happier.

She had an immunodeficiency which caused her to catch illnesses very easily and found it more difficult recover from them. In her last 5 months she developed sepsis twice due to the hospital not fully getting rid of it which caused her body to eventually shut down. This disease made her bed-bound and in constant pain. It killed me. I couldn’t do anything about it apart from be with her and bring her things, make her food ect. I didn’t do enough, I could’ve spent more time with her. And it eats me alive.

She was my best friend, she was beautiful, she was the most caring, kind, loving mother anyone could ask for, selfless even under all the suffering.

It feels like my heart has been ripped out from my body and broke into a million pieces. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel numb and I feel cheated. She will never see me grow up, get married, have kids. She was meant to be here forever. I saw somewhere that losing your Mum feels like being home sick, but never being able to go home again. I have moments where I feel like I’m going to see her at home again, or find myself going to text her, but then it hits me that I will never be able to again.

My attendance at college is bad and my grades are also bad because of this, but I feel like because it was a year ago, the reason isn’t as valid to the teachers anymore. I just need the pressure of exams taken away. It’s all too much.

People keep saying that time heals. But how long will I have to wait? When will I feel like myself again?

Thankyou for reading all of that if you got this far, i really appreciate you

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Hello redblue, I’m sorry for the loss of your mum, my heart goes out to you. I don’t have a one size fits all answer for you; I don’t think many of us do. I believe grieving is like drowning in overwhelmingly large ocean waves whenever we’re alone to our thoughts and triggers like anxiety that causes flashbacks of the last moments with our mums. I think the best we can do is to learn to swim. My thoughts are with you.

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I am so sorry for your loss @redblue and cannot imagine the pain you’re going through. The loss of someone so dear is always difficult but at such a young age, my heart goes out to you.
Do you have an ongoing support network around you such as close family or friends? People to talk to and share your feelings with. Most colleges have pastoral staff and counsellors available to help you during this time…maybe you could ask there for help? And if they gave you it initially, ask again for it as it sounds like you still need some support. Sometimes family/friends think we’re ok and don’t like to mention our loved ones for fear of upsetting us more when often all we want to do is talk about them.
Please don’t regret any time you didn’t spend with your Mum - she knew you loved her and I’m sure you did as much as you could at the time.
Apart from close friends/family/college, have you had any grief counselling via your GP or self-referral? I’m sure it would really help you make sense of such a loss. You’ve been through such a traumatic experience and at such a young age.
This group is amazing for support so please keep reaching out. You’re doing so well and still going to college shows how strong and determined you are. I’m sure your Mum would be so incredibly proud and I hope you can feel that.
Sending :heart: to you at this difficult time

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