Losing my mum suddenly 2 months ago.

Hey everyone, I am 26 years old and i live with my twin sister Kate and my boyfriend.
2 months ago our life changed forever…
21st of March, just before we all went into lockdown, my mum was picking my sister up from work. (this was 2/3am as my mum worked nights as a nurse and my sister worked in a casino)
I seen her before i went to sleep that night and woke up to a complete nightmare that has not stopped since…
My mum collapsed outside my sisters work, she was all stressed because she was worried about both of us and this virus and they were making my sister stay and clean machines without gloves etc.
She was speaking to the manager outside and then she suddenly had a massive stroke, out of nowhere, my sister held her outside and got in an ambulance with her. (When my sister describes it all i can imagine it all in my head, i used to also work in this casino too)
I then joined them at the hospital and she never regained consciousness. It was 12 hours later that she passed away, our nephew travelled hours to come see her and as soon as he arrived after about 5 mins she passed away, as if she was waiting for him. My older sister and other niece and nephew were too far away to come and were self isolating. It all happened so quickly and we were so traumatised seeing her gone so quickly.
I was there holding her as she passed away - even though it was horrible i wanted to be with her until the end, i know i am lucky in this sense as others have not been able to do this.
We are still both in shock about the whole thing and reading other peoples stories i can see all this extra pain this pandemic has caused - we didn’t get to have the funeral we wanted either, it all felt so unfair.
My mum was 65 years old, she looked SO young for her age, she was so active and happy… she had been an NHS nurse for over 30 years of her life, she never got to retire, we never got to go on holiday as adults together like we had planned, so many things we wanted to do with her. She deserved to enjoy the last years of her life, she was the kindest person in the world, always looking after others, she never put herself first.
I cannot stop feeling guilty about small things and bigger things. I try not to concentrate on the negative but its eating both me and my sister up… i never got to say so many things.
I also feel guilty because she had problems with high blood pressure and i found a letter the other day when tidying up from 2 years ago, she had an appointment about this and they had it monitored 24/7 for 2 weeks but for whatever reason it didn’t go alarmingly high in this time. My mum was always looking after us and taking us to the doctors, i keep thinking i am selfish and i should have been on her case more like she was with me. I dunno if i can live with that guilt.
I just miss her so much, we never moved out, my mum and dad broke up when we were 12 and she never got another partner, we all lived in this house in our own little bubble, she held us all together and now shes gone…
I keep having nightmares about what happened, its nice to see her face in my dreams but usually it turns into a nightmare where she collapses and i cannot save her…
I have also been stressed because i cannot find my old phone that has messages/photos etc that i did not back up, im still hoping it turns up… also regretting not having more photos/videos.
My life has just been shattered and me and my sister, my dad and my boyfriend have been trying to be strong for each other. I have tried to get in touch with services to help us but everything is so slow at the moment with this virus, I know if i didn’t have my sister i would have considered suicide. I miss and love my mum so much.
Thanks for reading.

Hi. beccayorke. Welcome. The pain of your situation comes through in every line of your message, and I am sure we all feel it having been there. Sudden death is a real shock because of it’s very suddenness. If someone has been ill for some time we can, maybe, prepare ourselves for what will inevitably happen, although the pain is rarely diminished by time.
But in your case it must have seemed so unreal, like in a dream.
Please try and not feel guilt. It’s a very negative emotion and can lead to despair. I have no doubt that you and your family did all they could to help before she passed. The love you have will never fade and you will go on loving her as she will you, all of you.
How were you to know what would happen? None of us knows from day to day. Even doctors don’t have crystal balls. No one is to blame. You may feel angry at what has happened and that too is normal. But try not to let the anger eat into you and become a permanent feature. This is life, and although it’s heart breaking and involves so much pain, it’s still as things are. You have family to share your grief. That is very important.
Dreams and nightmares will come and that’s normal and to be expected. All your emotions are in a jangle.
The emotions of grief are new to you. We all have them and most of us learn to live with them. Take it easy, well as easy as you can. Be kind to yourself and others who grieve with you. Love each other as your mum loved you. She would have wanted that. John.

Hi beccayorke
I just wanted to respond to your post by telling you that the same thing happened to my mum last year. She was a bit older than your mum at 74 but she was so active, funny and hard working constantly running around looking after us. She had moved in with us 10 months earlier to help me work 24/7 shifts on a promotion and help look after my daughter.
She was carting stones around in the garden and carrying heavy bags of shopping home from the supermarket. I used to marvel at how good she was fir her age.
Then out of the blue, a massive stroke. She never regained consciousness and died the following day once doctors had established she was brain dead.
The first anniversary is in 11 days time and I am broken as a person but I just have to carry on for my daughter, my partner and myself.
I still cry every day. Anyway, this isnt helping you. I just wanted to let you know you arent alone.
Take each day as it comes and dont expect too much if yourself. It’s still such early days for you.
Cheryl x

hi Beccayorke
very sorry for the loss of your mum.
im only jumping in regarding your lost mobile.because if you know the number and was in your name,it is possible to get data used from that mobile.theres a few hoops you would have to jump through but memories of your mum are very important.
heres hoping you find the mobile,but hopefully knowing there is maybe a way to get
access to the pictures etc of your old mobile may ease a few stresses your going through.

I am so so sorry and can really relate to your loss. I too lost my precious mum to a sudden stroke. She was 64, so healthy and happy after lots of years of a broken heart and never got to have a boyfriend since I was a child and my dad treated her badly. She was depressed for years but then became so content. She worked so hard and we had planned to go away when she retired which she was robbed of only by a few weeks.
She was so kind and always put me first. I carry so much guilt… that I wasn’t good enough or never took her out enough etc… she felt strange on the Wednesday and I said she should rest rather then go to A&E. I was so dismissive and I found out later then she had a funny turn that day at work but she just told me she had ringing in her ears. Anyway she did go to her GP the next day and they said she was looking fab but her blood pressure was ever so slightly high. She had the stroke the next day. Anyway what I am saying is they can never predict a stroke happening. I always think I could have saved her if I tried more. I was away the night it happened. I am never away… we have always lived together. We were soul mates. I have no one else, no other family apart from my dad but he isn’t like a dad in a lot of ways. I also have the nightmares. Normally I am trying to save her too. She is released from hospital and I notice she is ‘broken’ and I start to get scared and I realise it’s because she is dead. Please none of this is your fault. I feel suicidal everyday. My dogs and friends keep me going but life is awful. I can’t access groups either because of covid and I am in so much pain. You are not alone. I hear you. There are so many places we planned on travelling to. Life isn’t fair. I see her face on life support everyday. 5 days of pure hell. She never reached consciousness. She was lost… it was the worst week of my life and my life feels ruined. Thinking of you

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Hi Alissa-1

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments, but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.

You deserve care and support so please, Alissa-1, get in touch with one of these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,
Online Community team

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Hi Alissa
I’m still struggling so much following my mums sudden death from stroke last year. When you say about them not predicting a stroke it really resonates with me. My mum had a mini stroke 11 days earlier and was discharged with aspirin to take for 12 months. She acted like normal yet a major brain haemorrhage was riund the corner days later which would kill her within a few hours. I often question how the doctors couldnt have known but they didnt. My daughter, partner and job keep me going but I am subject to very frequent low moods, tears, lack of sleep and still cant believe she has gone.
I hope that one day we can find peace with what has happened x

Hi. Alissa. Your pain comes through so strongly, and that’s OK. It’s what this site is all about. You are among friends who understand because we have all been where you are now. Hindsight is all very well, but the past is gone. I do know about guilt. It can hurt so much, but all the ‘what ifs’ in the world will not change anything.
Please try not to burden yourself with that corrosive emotion, guilt. We all do what we think is right AT THE TIME! Now that is so important ‘at the time’. How can we possibly know what will happen in the future. It comes all the harder when so unexpected.
Nightmares may well come. Your unconscious mind, from which dreams come, is trying to reconcile your clashes of fear and guilt.
It’s OK, no real cause for concern. It’s awful and I do know, but it does pass. It’s far too early to do anything other than take it all day by day. The advice given by Mick from Sue Ryder is very helpful. As time passes you may want to consider some counselling. It can be very good and can be so helpful. I am sure all of us on here wish you well and I am sure you will get more replies.
Take care of yourself and try and be kind to yourself. No flogging yourself with unnecessary guilt, but that is not easy at first.
Sending you my prayers and good wishes. Blessings. John.

Sorry Alissa. My message duplicated itself you some reason.

Thank you for all the information. I really do appreciate these contacts.

Hi, I am so sorry. I can’t believe your lovely mum was ‘ok’ and released after the mini stroke and then that happened. Like you said, it’s unpredictable but feels as though there should have been something that could have been picked up and treated. On further reflection I do think my mum had a mini stroke on the Wednesday as I heard from her colleagues she started acting very strange and wasn’t making sense. It’s too sad to even comprehend isn’t it?!
I feel so devastated and have no idea how to get through this pain. I look okay on the outside but I don’t feel happy without her. We were very co dependant which really is hard. How do you pass your time?

A lovely message. Thank you so much. I tell others not to feel guilty but it’s an emotion I have known from childhood. I am such a people pleaser. I wanted to give my mum the best life and I look back now and see hundreds of mistakes. My main one is that I really wanted to find security with a partner and spent all of my life broken hearted and crying over loss which is a repetition of learned behaviour from my mum early on in childhood. I just wish I could have given her my full attention :pensive: Now I feel like I had everything I ever wanted, I just didn’t see it. However I did in a way as I feared her dying and told her how much I loved her every day .

Hi alissa
I’ve done so much research on strokes and it sounds like your mum did have a mini stroke. My mum was so ‘with it’ mentally even though arthritis was getting her down. She sent a messenger message to our family group one day at the beginning and it was complete gobbledygoop. We were laughing and asking mum if someone had stolen her phone! The next message made complete sense like always. I’m convinced mum was having a series of mini strokes in the week before her brain hemorrhage. It makes sense now. Each mini stroke ( I hate that description btw as it triviliases something quite major) causes significant brain damage. Just before mum got discharged, they ran some cognitive tests. She answered every one brilliantly. Then there was a question in which mum was asked to count down from 100 in 3’s.
She got down to 82 then started counting upwards. I was looking at her thinking she was joking, but she hadnt even realised. At this point I knew the damage caused to her was far more than we realised. She died a week later.
As for passing the time, I work full time, I have a house and garden to look after and I have a 13 year old daughter. But mum is on my mind ALL the time and I’m never far from tears.
I did try and read a good book and watch a good tv drama to ‘escape’

Cheryl x

Hello, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I just felt I needed to reply to you. I’m 47 and lost my mum, 64, nearly 3 months ago. It was very sudden as she died in her sleep from a heart attack. We held her funeral on her 65th birthday.

I have no siblings to share my grief with but have a husband and two grown children. Like you I’m struggling, every day is a battle. I’m consumed by thoughts of my mum all the time and like you the guilt can be overwhelming. But as a mum I know that my mum and from the way you describe your mum, would not want us to feel guilty. I love my children unconditionally and I can find peace knowing that they my mum loved me as much and that she wouldn’t want me to feel guilt because I didn’t send that text, or forgot to phone her back, or didn’t see her enough. A mother’s love is very special and that can also give us strength xxx