Losing my mum to alcoholism during Covid

Hi All

I’ve joined and writing because I’m struggling with all my feelings. I’m 39 and lost my mum on 1st Jan 2021. My mum has drank for most of my life although very much a functioning alcoholic she held down a job etc. Growing up I often tried to confront her but she aways denied she had a problem. I’d often find empty wine bottles in random places like the washing basket. I feel extremely guilty that I stopped trying and often withdrew myself from the situation especially once I had children. There would be certain times of the day that I’d purposely avoid phone calls as I would know instantly she’d had a drink and it used to make angry and upset. When I was a child even in my adulthood Id tip toe round her not knowing what she was going to be like. Xmas 2019 she started retaining fluid in her belly and went to hospital for a bit I new it was probably to do with her liver but I think she hid how serious it was … I wish I just sat and listened and talked to her maybe she would have let me in … she wouldn’t even let my dad into her drs/ hospital appts. Now just before Xmas she had a turn for the worse but none of us really new how poorly she was until she fell… she went into hospital and that was it … end of life care. I still can’t believe she’s gone and I feel terribly guilty and angry that alcohol took away my mother. When my mum wasn’t drinking which did happen, she was lovely but those times started getting less and less, this last year she hadn’t been the nicest to my dad. I feel so bad that I didn’t see her as much as I would do due to lockdown, she got so upset once when she was suppose to shielding that my dad begged me to bring my children to see nanny, I thought I was protecting her now I feel awful and feel responsible, I just don’t know how to get through this and feel like I should have done so much more and that I’m going to feel like that for the rest of my life.

Hello Freya, so upsetting to lose your mum but reading your post you seem to have lost her twice. The emotions you are feeling are all part of grieving but it does go deeper for you. I am very sorry for all you have gone through. You do sound a strong person and in writing like you have telling how things have been over the years shows your compassion for both your mum and your dad. He will need you to be strong for him, his life will have changed. Try not to blame yourself but remember the good times and I know others on this site have posted similar experiences, have a look at other posts because they will help.
Please take care of yourself. Blessings S