Hi my mum passed away suddenly 7 weeks ago at home at the age of 84. We have lived together for 58 years. I came home from work done us both food and then went for a shower. She was sitting on her stairlift at the top of the stairs waiting for me to finish because she needed to go to the bathroom. I went to my bedroom to wait for her to finish she normally takes some time. I went to check on her because she was taking longer than usual. She was slumped on the toilet unresponsive I tried to bring her around after a while she open her eyes but was having trouble breathing. I phoned the ambulance and while waiting my mum
Stopped breathing I done everything I could to try to help her, buy the time the paramedics arrived it was to late. This was on a Thursday the last day of work for my annual leave we were ment to be going on holiday on the Saturday. She had packed everything ready before I came home. She passed away on the 24th of July and her funeral was on the 15th of August. Since she passed away I haven’t been back to work and don’t leave the house much and when I do I panic and need to get back home. It’s like I’ve got to get home because I’ve left my mum on her own. I’ve got family but they haven’t come to the house since the funeral. They phone me to see how I’m feeling and to go see them if I need them. I’m having my good days and bad days and can’t stop thinking if I done this or done that mum would still be here and feel guilty. The house is so empty and quiet without mum. My family are going on holiday abroad and asked me to go with them but I couldn’t do it. Me and my mum used to go on holiday together all the time and we loved st Ives. It was our happy place. My mum always said to me when something happens to her to get on with my life. It so hard it’s breaking my heart. I haven’t left the house much since she passed away. The other day I thought I would try and go away for a few days to give myself a break from the house, so I’ve booked to go to St Ives for a few days because that’s where we had great times together, but after booking its killing me inside and feeling guilty that I’m going and it’s like I’m leaving her at home. I cry myself to sleep every night and when I wake up and she’s not here. I don’t think I will ever be happy anymore.
Hello @Jason1967,
I can see you’re new to the community. I hope you find it a support to you, but I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum that brings you here. It sounds like her passing at home has been quite traumatic for you, and you’re feeling guilty. I just want to reassure you that these feelings of guilt are really normal when we’re grieving. But if they’re stopping you from being able to get out of the house, it might be a good idea to have a chat with your GP about any support they might be able to offer you. You don’t have to do this alone.
I wanted to share some posts by our members about taking holidays after loss - maybe it would help to read about how others have coped. You might also find our Am I normal? page helpful. It talks through some of the common thoughts and feelings we might have when grieving.
Please do keep reaching out - you’re not alone.
Hi Jason1967
It sounds like your Mums passing has been a huge shock for you. Living with and caring for a parent for as long as you did is bound to leave an immense hole in your life and it seems nothing can fill that right now.
It also sounds like you did most of these things for her with not much help? Apologies if I got that wrong.
Close friends and family are often very good at the, ‘here if you need help, please ring’ kind of thing, when often, what you need is someone to just turn up with a casserole or something so you don’t have to cook, or just knock on the door for a chat to check you’re okay.
I think we can all do the, 'waiting for someone to sing out for help, but the truth is, the non grieving person doesn’t know how to handle the situation and the person who is grieving doesn’t always know what they need.
Like you, I go through the could have done more, things. In fact, it was so overwhelming that I posted about it. It’s called, ‘Should have, would have, could have’, I’ve no idea how to link to a post yet, must be an age thing, but I digress…
It’s completely understandable that you feel the need to stay home right now though, it’s your security and your comfort, your safe place and a tangible link to your Mum.
One of the things I struggle with coming to terms with is that I don’t ‘know’ where my Mum is. If she and all my other passed relatives drove by on a bus or something, waving to me, I’d be able to place her. I’d think, oh, she’s on the bus… As it is, it’s very hard to deal with it.
My Mum passed away back in April, aged 88. So it’s still quite early days. I’m getting through the numbness, and finding it more emotional now, but I still find being in my own home is my haven.
I have only just returned from a holiday in the Lake District. I’ve enjoyed being away, it takes you out of your comfort zone, but also gives you distraction, and different challenges. The scenery there is amazing and as I love taking photographs I’m in my element for a while. I am glad to be home now though.
Go, take your holiday. Don’t feel guilty about not being there with your Mum, she would want you to look after yourself too.
There may be tears, there might be memories of happier times too… It’ll be bittersweet, but overall it’s another haven for you, I’m sure she’d want you to keep experiencing it if you are able…
With love J
Hi all thanks for the replies. Since my post I couldn’t go to st Ives after it was too hard for me to go. I was at home a couple of days before I was meant to be going I was worrying so much about going and all the memories around every corner and the drive down without my mother I nearly had a breakdown. I couldn’t stop crying day and night. I told my family I couldn’t do it and they all said we thought it would be too much for you with all the memories of me and my mother going there so much. My family were all going to Spain for a week the day before I was meant to go to st Ives and they said come with us it’s all paid for and you won’t be on your own. So I decided to go otherwise I would only get worse staying at home. It was hard packing and get everything ready to go knowing I had to leave the house for a week and knowing I couldn’t just come home if I needed to. The morning we was going I was ok because we were all together, when we got there it took me a couple of days to get used to it but I had a good week. The day before we were leaving I was getting worried that when I get home I’m going to be terrible coming home to an empty house and cried all night. When I got home it was nice to be home. I cried a little when I went into my mothers bedroom and could smell her all around it was lovely. I’ve been home now 2 weeks and been ok but woke up this morning and couldn’t stop thinking about my mother and been terrible all day crying on and off, and thinking can’t do this and can’t carry on without my mother. Then I keep thinking about what she wrote to me in a letter I found about how much she loved me and not to be sad now she’s gone. How proud of me she was and to get on with my life and be happy. And that she will always be with me. I’m never to get over losing my mother and my life will never be the same but I’ve got to be strong for my mother and try to get on with my life.