My mum died in December. She was 89. I’m not coping with it very well!
She started to get ill towards the end of 2024 but we visited it her at Christmas 2024 and she was doing ok. But one day in February she texted me to ask me to go and help her. She lived in Yorkshire and I was in London. She had a bad chest infection. In the end I stayed with her for a few weeks on and off, sharing with my brother. She couldn’t really get herself back to where she was a few months earlier, and spent 10 days in a home for respite care - she hated it and checked herself out!!
Then in around June or July I went to see her and it coincided with her doctor asking her to go for tests at the hospital. She was admitted and stayed for five weeks basically because she had water retention and they could only administer strong enough diuretics in hospital. I stayed up for a few weeks, visiting her every day at 2pm and staying till 6 or so.
Eventually in August she was discharged and seemed to be getting a little bit better. But around the end of October she started to decline again.
My brother and I did the visiting rota again. She had slowed down a lot but was still determined, cooking Christmas puddings for instance. But she got very tired and couldn’t cope with visitors. She was having bad nights too.
We got her some day care in, but eventually she was referred to the Hospital at Home teaM and then end of life care, so had more carers coming in. Soon she couldn’t get downstairs and so we were feeding her upstairs. I slept in the room next to her so she could call in the night and I would help her to the toilet or get her drinks or food. I rubbed her back (she got very itchy). And we called the district nurse team to provide extra pain relief.
It was the hardest time of my life. I was exhausted and irritable. I hated it when she wanted to go to the toilet. I resented her, which I feel awful about now. I longed for it to be over, which I also feel guilty about. But she wanted it to be over too - she kept telling me. And we had tender moments too. She told me she loved me, a lot, and I told her the same.
Eventually she settled and slept for two days without really waking. Then she died at about 10am one Monday morning when I was making eggs.
I have been finding it all so difficult. Partly I feel I should cope because she was 89 And I am 58. But I miss her so much. She was a very big part of my life. I’d be nothing without her.
I hate it that some friends don’t seem to be able to mention her death. Even those that do don’t give me time to talk about it. My brother is coping by being brave and not talking about it. My wife was great in the immediate aftermath but weve now got to the “move on” stage. I long to talk about it to someone. To try to understand it and how to move on. I also need to deal with the guilt. At the moment I can’t see how I live with this level of grief. I’m sure I will work it out by taking it one day at a time, but that seems unachievable at the moment.
