Losing my Mum

[Debra65]

Dear Stephen,

Thank you so much for your response. At first what a beautiful and so sweet and kind looking soft expression on her face, very sensitive I think looking mam you had. It really touched my heart when I looked at her. The same beautiful blue eyes as my mam had. The cushion made me feel sad for you. It is so hard to see her presence and beautiful kind face in real life and then her picture on the cushion. What a loss Stephen, my mother was just like your mother the sweetest and kindest looking soul. Very high sensitive also. I can imagine the pain, I have the same myself.

I got to bed late at night and could not get up constantly thinking about that awful influenza A virus that infected her. And how we could have prevented it from happening. MY sister said yesterday, Debby we had never heard of it (we think she got it on her last day at the hospital, but I found out by reading that it is more likely that my sister who was here on monday and tuesday every week when I went to work, that she may be have infected her. On monday she had nothing, feeling good. On Tuesday she said I am not feeling well, very tired and muscle pains. That are the first signs of that awful Influenza A virus. And on wednesday she got sick and in bed and coughed for months. The incubationtime is 1 to 4 days. My mother was fine in the weekend and monday on tuesday she got quite red while laughing (could be from oxygen deficiency for a short moment) on wednesday she got terribly tired just like my sister on tuesday and on thursday at night to that awful hospital with 40 degrees. My mind does this every day, if we only would have known, my sister could have gone home and I would take a week of of work. Or I should have given her a facemask. But I think that you might think too that the “flu” as we knew it, was just coughing, a sore throat, and in bed with paracetamol. But now that I did research for weeks, that 95% of the people think that is flu. But that is not the flu, just a cold. The flu is a real sickness that can make people and especially older people so sick. I know I do the “what if’s” because when I think of a good outcome in my mind I do not feel the horrible pain for a moment of the loss that is irriversible. I said to my sister if mam would have passed away in a year or so from something else (a sickness in the body, what she thankgod never had, but as a way of speaking) and there was no cure I should have accepted that. Because a virus from “outside” makes the person sick not from within the body. And I think could have been prevented if we had known.

That situation where you were in with your precious mother, but that must be also so hard to except. Did you have those “what if” thoughts Stephen? And a bowel obstruction is that the same as ileus? Because you told me they tried to medically treat her in another way? I have been reading about it a couple of days ago. I can imagine you begged the doctors to operate her. Did you think of a second opinion in another hospital? And why did the doctor think it was to risky?

I feel sad for you Stephen that no one of your family looks after you. You are in such deep grieve and pain and lonely just like me. If a brother or sister comes by to talk and help talking about the grieve you feel a little less alone for a short while. But we cannot force them to do that. I am lucky having my sister. She is working today, so she will call me in the evening. And tomorrow we go to visit a cousin in the south, a 1 hours drive. She said let us do that so you get out of the house for a day. Nothing really makes me feel a bit better. I just want my mother to be here with me, she was just like your mam Stephen my everything.

So you live in Yorkshire, it must be so beautiful and all that nature. I live in a small village between Utrecht and Amsterdam. It is beautiful too. All small villages and water and small wooden bridges, swans and ducks swimming in the ponds. Very quiet and peaceful.

Yes, wonderful young age full of wonderment and innocence as you say. So you are/were real tea drinkers. Sounds like your mom had a sweet tooth just like I do.

So your brother visisted once a week. Was your mom always more close to you then your brother was with her?

Yes, I am eating better now. As you say grieving is a awful hard process. Since my mothers passing (I sometimes cannot believe I write passing, awful) 13 feb I did not feel a bit better, not even for 15 minutes. I feel the pain constantly, in my soul and in my body. Sometimes I think I cannot handle the pain anymore. but what else can we do. When my dear father passed, it took me 5 years before I felt a bit better. But then we still had our lovely mother to take care of. I am crying as I write this. I miss her so terribly, just like you miss your mam Stephen. Your mother looks like such a lovely and sweet lady, my mother did too. She was having beautiful blue eyes and thick curly grey hair. We were one since the day I was born. I feel a big part of me is gone now. A horrible feeling. When my sister is here we give each other a hug when she goes. And I tell her I miss her so much, me too Debby is what she says then. My sister stays strong and said if i Think of mam I will push her face in my mind away, because otherwise I get totally devastated knowing she is gone. So she is surpressing it a lot of the time. Yesterday she cried when she was here, she is just as sad as I am of course. But she says I have to be strong for my work for my husband and children, grandchildren. But she says they most of the time do not even ask her mam are you ok, only in the beginning. She said I am just as lonely as you are Debby. They do not understand the real pain. Because she was our sweet mother.

I glad to hear that you physical problems are not so bad anymore. Do you still cook dinner every night? I do the same Stephen, constantly crying is ok. It gets the emotions out.

Your livingroom looks beautiful also in the picture. I can imagine how happy you must have been there with your lovely mam, just having your routines daily. I did the same with my mam. Then my whole world was good. So your mom was still independent to a certain extent. Never complaining, just like my mam. Strong women from another generation as this generation. My cousin said now everyhting from the old days is gone. We both loved our mams and dads stories from when they were young. I do not like todays modern times. And most people being on their phones all day.

Your mother was just like mine Stephen emotionally comforting me too when I needed it. And so wise.

Read your part of the last time you undressed her and tucked her in bed. Is that something you think about too now all those last times. I said to my sister the last night I brought my mother to bed she was so sweet. She said am I not difficult for you and Hella (my sister) to take care of me that much? I said no mam, not at all. Dad and you did everything for us and now we take care of you. Never knowing that would be the last day I brought her to bed at home. Next day into the hospital. I said to my sister how I would love to help her again and here her voice Debby can you come to get me out of bed. She had such a sweet face and voice. I am so sick of missing her. I feel so lost without her. I feel sad for you too Stephen, it is the most miserable feeling of feeling so lost without our mam’s. How do you get through your days now?

I understand crying when you look at her photo. Your mam must have been such a sweet soul too I see that when I look at her picture. Life is so hard when we lose them.

How beautiful that you listened to music together, we did too. And that you were singing for her. Yes, making them smile felt so good. I would sometimes put music on and dance, my mother loved to watch that and it made her smile too.

Yes what you do about your bedritual now is what my neighbour does too. She said I talk to him (her husband passed away couple of years ago), to his photo. Well if it makes you feel good just do that.

I am glad for your mam that she could come home from the hospital. That is so much better in palliative care. Yesterday I said to my sister I wish we would have done that. Although I don’t know if that was a possibility, with oxygen etc. The timeline of the going home and starting the morphine says that you had 5 more days to talk to her at home, or was she to sick already to talk much? When the morphine started was she then still able to speak (may be on a very low dose)? That sounds like real well done palliative care, when she was settled, calm and peaceful. So different from my sweet mom. But my sister said she had monday, tuesday, wednesday and thursday where she was sleeping and breathing softly. It were those awful other things the brake through shortness of breath. I get EMDR therapy now for making those images less coming up in my mind, but they still do. 2 times, we will do more EMDR. Thank you Stephen for sharing how you were comforting your mam with stroking her hair and forehead. I often replay the things I did when I was with my mam in that hospital and how I tried to comfort her. Morphine started on sunday evening (my sister and I could hold her hand and my mom got to hold my hand so tight) and we said everything to her we wanted to say. That she and my dad were the most loving and caring parents and that we loved them and her so much, that she was the dearest mother we could have wished for. She was still talking back to us. And I stayed with her day and night. My sister and brother were there also during the day. Was your brother there too?

It makes me cry. It is so awful that we had to let them go. The ones we loved the most with all our hearts. And now live on without them, I don’t know how. You were the most loving son to your mother Stephen till the end. Now I understand why Liz and Phil called her queen Cilla. Because you treated her like a queen. And she and your dad must have been such loving parents to you and your brother.

Do you have that same feeling when they took their last breath it was so devastating. The body gets so white fast. When the bloodflow stops. We had our mother bring home to be here on her bed with cooling. We washed her with the very kind people who brought her home and dressed her. It was so unreal. I used to do that when she was alive. But I wanted to get her out of that awful hospital and be home again. For 6 days. We had a basked from light braided kind of wood with a ribbon around it with all fresh flowers. If I think back I shiver because I never wanted her to leave us. She still had to be alive if it wasn’t for that awful virus.

Was your mother at home to afterwards?

How sad the story of your dad 9 years ago (my father too 9 years ago). That is so yoing these days 75 years old. Have they try to do medical treatment? So you were real close the three of you. I know you miss him too, I miss me dad too. We are so on our own now that parents are gone. I admire you Stephen for still doing all the house shores and trying to keep going day by day. How many years did the real raw grieving take when your dear father passed away? It took me 5 years to feel a bit better that I could think of the good old days with him. But we still had mam to care for just like you did then. My life feels so empty and without love and warmth in my house now that she is gone. Still cannot believe it. I am surviving for almost 19 weeks now.

Is there one thing you want to share about what you have experienced that makes you believe there is something more after death?

Beautiful the mother and son bond. And that she never had to be alone because of you. That is such a gift fpr a parent is what my sister says too. We did it for 9 years together my sister and I for our mother. And promised it to our father. I am crying again. I really feel sick mentally and physically from missing her so bad. I always knew this would happen. My sister tries to help me saying we had dad till 86 and mam till 92, most children do not have their parents that long. That is true but I can hardly live without them. Life is such a struggle now, every day. I am high sensitive so I feel deep. My mother was too.

So you were there too all day in the hospital. Was there no possibility to sleep there? I could sleep there with my mother.

I am glad it is almost 16.00u now, in the evening my sister will call me. Sometimes I do not feel like calling strangers from the volunteer phone line. Although they are most of the time very kind. Does it help you calling now and then?

Thank you so much Stephen for sharing the photo’s of your beautiful mam. I can see she was a sweet loving angel. My sister appreciates it very much that you and I write to help each other feel less alone and share feelings.

Take good care of yourself Stephen and till next time. My kindest wishes back to you. Debby

[Stephen65]

Hello Debby.

Thank you for your kind thoughts on my beautiful mam. It is a lovely picture i agree. I know the cushion won’t replace mam. How could it? I so wish mam was back in that chair, but seeing lovely mam in her chair again even if it is on a cushion, brings me a lot of comfort and in such sad times we have to grab all the comfort we can. Your mum had lovely blue eyes too. I appreciate you saying that mam was a lovely looking kind soul. You said your mum was too. We were so privileged to have them in our lives Debby.

My mind is constantly full of my beloved mam too. For the last three weeks any slight thing makes me cry. All we did together. The wonderful memories.

Me and mam here in England were entitled to a free flu jab every September. I always booked us in at the local chemist. It worked well and if you were to catch it, it should stop it becoming too serious. It was important particularly for mam because she had COPD as well. 70% lung capacity. She was on tablets and inhalers for it.

Me and mam weren’t in a position to request a second opinion. Mam was 82. In England the NHS hardly ever operates on anyone aged above 80. On top of that mam had her Alzheimer’s disease and as I said in the last paragraph breathing issues with 70% lung capacity. The consultant explained mam would struggle to survive the anaesthetic and if she did she might not survive the operation. He said palliative care. Mam was glad to be going home and I was glad she was coming home too.

Nothing in my life matters much now. Life isn’t the same without my lovely mam. I can go out, go to coffee shops but without mam it doesn’t matter anymore.

It is nice here in Yorkshire and it sounds lovely where you live too. Here we are surrounded by wonderful countryside and history.

My brother is 13 months younger than me. He is 59. He left home and got married at 21. He has been married 37 years this year. It left me, mam and dad at home. My brother visited once a week. Mam and dad loved him of course but it isn’t the same as our lives together all those years.

My brother and two nieces are useless. They hardly saw mam when she was alive and they had chance to visit and it is the same now. They don’t come to see me. I personally don’t think they have a clue about how much I am struggling with the passing of mam but it doesn’t affect their lives so what they don’t see doesn’t matter to them.

Thanks Debby for saying how nice our house looks. It is a detached house and we have lived here 24 years. Me, mam and dad all love it. It is very peaceful and quiet and a lovely garden full of trees.

When me and mam were out in the car as we always were, we used to drive through places we both knew really well. When mam was a lot younger and I was young. Mam used to say: it isn’t the same now is it Stephen? I always said: you are right mam. It isn’t the same anymore.

I know they are handy but I hate phones too. My brother and nieces are glued to theirs. If they call they always have their phones out checking them.

I try to get by hour to hour and day to day. As you know, it is difficult because I miss my mam so much. Being in the house all the time where we lived together 60 years, every thing strikes a memory of us both. Some smaller things and some bigger things. It makes me so upset and sad.

When mam was home under palliative care, she had an oxygen machine installed. We still spoke all day every day. Less so after the morphine driver was put in her arm on the Wednesday, but we still did speak and I was always there for mam. My brother visited most days and my niece Katie when mam was in hospital and when she came home under palliative care. However, he would come in go to mam for a minute and sit in the living room. He never sat with her.

Our friend Liz said to me that mam had a special aura about her. She said the room lit up metaphorically speaking when mam was in it. It was a lovely thing for her to say.

Mam passed away in our lovely home where she loved to be at 11.45am on Saturday the 21st of March. The district nurse came at 1.00pm and signed a form to say mam had passed away. With the help of the district nurse, we washed my beloved mam and then dressed her in her favourite clothes. The ones in the picture I sent. I put mam’s earrings in and brushed her hair and put some perfume on and her favourite shoes on. Mam was in the house a further 5 hours and then the undertaker came for mam. I didn’t want to let her go. I was heartbroken but I had to let mam go. A few days before mam’s funeral I was up at the undertaker paying my respects to mam. I sat with her 2 hours. I held her hand. Gave her a kiss. Rubbed her forehead. Sprayed more of mam’s favourite perfume on her. I sat at the side of mam’s coffin. I had written a 15 page letter for her. I read it to her and then placed it between her hands in her coffin. It was so sad and heartbreaking. It is something that you would never imagine in all your wildest dreams.

There isn’t much of a difference in the length of time our mums have passed away. Mam 14 weeks and your mum 19 weeks. So sad.

Growing up me and mam and my brother had a lot of spiritual ghostly experiences. We have all our lives. Someone said we are sensitive to the spiritual side of things. I won’t go into detail of the things that happened growing up, but I can tell you there have been a few spiritual signs since mam passed away. .

I always speak to my grandparents and mam and dad. When I go to bed too. I always ask mam for a sign or signs. One morning it was 7.00am. I thought I would lay another 10 minutes in bed. I was laying on my left hand side. All of a sudden close to my right ear I heard mam whisper: Stephen. I shot up in bed. Not knowing what I expected to see but there wasn’t anyone, mam, there.

Another one was in my bedroom before I got to sleep. I had been in bed 5 minutes. Remember, I ask for signs all the time. My eyes were closed and something made me open them. About mam’s height there was a bright blue light. I kept watching it. I said is that you mam? It moved towards the window blinds and came back towards the bed and disappeared. 40 seconds in all.

One other morning. Again I was awake. All of a sudden i had a vision like a picture just appeared in my mind. It was mam dressed as she usually did. She was stood in a garden but not our garden. She was looking straight at me and smiling and she looked so happy. Then she raised her arm and waved at me. I lifted my arm up instinctively and waved back and the vision disappeared. There has been other things too but I can tell you them another time if you are interested Debby.

God bless. Look forward to hearing from you. Have a safe journey tomorrow when you are visiting with your sister. All my best wishes. Stephen.

[Debra65]

Dear Stephen,

Just read your letter, thank you. It was a nice distraction because I was overwelmed with sadness again. Sometimes I think I can’t go on without my mother, the pain is unbearable. I have always known this when she would pass away, we were so so close from the day I was born. There is nothing that interests me. My sister just called, she was so tired of working. And the wheater here is awful almost 40 degrees.

Yes Stephen we were really priviliged to have them in our lives. This afternoon I called the volunteers phoneline. It was a kind woman she talked to me for about 90 minutes. She lost her mother at 65 and her father in his 70’s she said. I believe she was 75 herself now. It helps for the time being and 30 minutes later I am all upset again. Well if the cushion brings you a lot of comfort then that is what you have to do, as you say we have to grab all the comfort in these terrible times.

It is so understandable that anything makes you cry and all the memories you had with your mam. I push the memories away in my mind, makes me to upset thinking of them now.

I have had 3 relationships and it never brought me what I wished for. No soulmate. I always say my mother was the love of my life. No man could give me that feeling of being spiritually connected. So after 49 I was single. And never lived together in those relationships from before. A lot of heartaches. I love children. But never found the one that I wanted to have children with. And sometimes I thought I think life is very difficult sometimes I do not want to do that to a child. It is a harsh society the world we live in today. That’s why I loved being with my mam the last 9 years, we had our own rituals during the days at home. I went on vacation with her several times in beautiful environements here in The Netherlands. Went out for dinner. Or coffee at a bakery. My mother was my best friend and the sweetest mam. I am still in disbelieve that she is gone. And she got that viral pneumonia (awful way to die). I always thought well she is healthy we might have maybe 2 years together of three is what I hoped. That is why I am so furious that an invisable virus took her away (just like covid did with many innocent people leaving their lovedones broken), I read stories online from people who passed that way and their families, photo is there also online. Because influenza A is a bit comparable.

So you and your mam had the flushot. That is sad that she had copd. How did that develop do you know that and how old was she then?

I am surprised that the NHS hardly operates on anyone aged above 80. In the hospital where I work I hear stories about people who had operations at 85 or even at 90 (a gentleman told me they gave him a new hip because he was in such a good condition).

As you explain here I understand why they did not want to operate your mam. To many risks. Very hard to accept. Was she in that much pain that they had to start palliative care so soon? Yes, it was good to go home then. Much better then in a hospital.

I understand completely Stephen. Nothing matters now in your life. In my home is were I feel the safest now. The whole outside world with all the people makes me feel even more lost. I tried to do groceryshopping weeks ago (my sister did them for me), but I got so upset in the supermarket when I passed all the things I used to buy for my mom like blueberries or applesauce. My sister said do not do it then, I will get your groceries. She is so loving and helpfull.

Do you still go out a lot now even when it is difficult?

Sounds beautiful the countryside and the history.

Sounds like your brother was more busy with his own familylife and did not pay very much attention to you or your parents. I think that is sad. My brother is the same.

Sounds useless as you explain about your brother and his daughters. How is his wife in this all? Because my brothers wife plays a big role in this too. She was always about her own family but never really interested in us.

Your house sounds wonderful. I love nature and trees so much.

That what you told about going out with your mom in the car is what I always did with my mom too. Those were the best times. So the environement changed as your mother and you saw during the years.

What you do is what I try to do also. Hour by hour and day to day. I have never felt this miserable in my whole life. Well also when I lost my dear father, but then we had mam to live with. I feel pain inside me, real physical pain and mentally. They say that this is what mourning feels like. Is what I read. Life will never be good anymore. Different is what my cousin said. Never the same. Do you feel so lost too now that your mam is gone?

Yes, all the memories in the house. Makes me so upset too. My mothers coats and shoes and her toothbrush and her wheelchair (that we bought so I could bring it in my car when we were going out). My sister put it in the storage space last week. Because it made me cry. I want to give it to charity or a company that brings it to third world countries.

Unbelievable what your brother did sit with your mam for a minute and then leave to sit in the livingroom. So sad. It was his last chance to be with her. When my brother came to the hospital every day his wife had the guts to say you have to come home I need your car.

That is a beautiful comment your friend Liz made about your mam.

Sounds like the district nurse was a nice lady. Is there no possibility to keep someone at home a couple of days (with cooling) in your country? It is so awful if someone is taking her out of the house so soon. We had my mam here for 6 days. So we sat with her every day. And just like you touched her and kissed her.

No, I understand you did not want to let her go. It is awful. Then she was really gone. from the house and you and her safe place, home.

How heartbreaking to hear you sitting at her coffin but also so touching. What a beautiful gesture Stephen writing that letter of 15 pages. Did you read the letter to her also when she was alive or not? Yes, so unreal. I think death is so awful and horrible. To sit with our beloved parents and see their body lifeless. And then we have to go home and try to survive (which is nearly impossible as I feel it).

Yes 5 weeks apart our mam’s.

Sounds scary those ghostly experiences.

That is special hearing your name Stephen. And the bright blue light. Doesn’t it scare you?

The vision is very special. Yes, I am interested in hearing other things.

When my dad was still alive and he was a very bright and smart man too. I said dad I hope you will be with us for a long time but when your time has come someday will you give me a sign. I never got one. So that is why I think when we are death there is nothing there, just total peace and rest just like for we were born. And I think that is a comfortable feeling. Some people believe in reïncarnation (and I have been reading that some people cannot believe or do not want to believe that there is an end to this life and they make up reïncarnation). I think one life is enough. My parents will always be my parents and they were the best and the most loving parents.

I think life is a miracle. The way a fetus develops in a mothers womb is unbelievable. But what we have to go through in life is sometimes unbearable, like now. I saw this woman she had a tvshow here and she was in an interview 10 years ago (she passed away last year I believe at age 69). The tvshow she was in is called the coffin (they talk about life and death). At the end he asked her is life a gift to you or a huge task. She said a huge task not a gift. She said all the grieve and pain we have to go through during our lives is so painful and difficult. And I would totally agree.

Like you and your mam and me and my mam (and our dad’s) we shared a life together, talked about everything, familystories, the old days, etc. We have this lovely strong connection that makes us feel safe and loved and having a bond that we can never have with someone else. And then bam suddenly they are sick and pass away. And we are left behind completely devastated. I think that is absurd (Philosophical). I know someone who is doing philosophy in his free time. He said Debby the absurdity of life : one day you sit at the table drinking coffee with your father or mother. And a then all of a sudden you walk with a bag with your mother or father in it (ashes after cremation). He lost his father that passed away totally healthy at age 74 in his sleep.

Thank you for wishing us a safe journey tomorrow Stephen. I am going to sleep because we are leaving in the morning. A one hour drive. I hope I will be able to get through the day there. My sister said you can not talk about our grieve all the time of course. I said no I know that.

I just thought 14 weeks and 19 weeks is just nothing in time. Guess we are still in a state of disbelieve. Sometimes I think (and have always thought that in my mind) when my mother passed I wanted to go with her. Because I knew the unbearable pain that would come. My sister said do you think mam would have wanted that? No. She and dad gave you life and she would want you to go on living. Easier said then done.

Take care Stephen. Your mother would also want you to be doing well. Just like my mother. I am sure of that. I may be want to buy the book from a Belgian writer psychologist Manu Keirse. He only writes about grieve and mourning. He wrote a book about his 91 year old mother who was sick for 10 months and the whole process of going to die and how difficult for both mother and son to say goodbye. My sister said buy the book maybe it helps a little bit as a distraction.

Till next time Stephen. All my best wishes to you too. Debby

[Stephen65]

Hello Debby.

It was hot here all last week. 35 degrees. Cooler now at 20 degrees thankfully.

I do miss mam so much. Every hour of every day. However, I always aim to get out like me and mam always did. Mam had a nap on an afternoon and I read for 2 hours. I still do. Me and mam spent 4 hours on a night watching our TV shows. I still do. Mam is watching via her cushion in her chair.

I cherish and love all my memories with mam and dad from big memories to small memories. They do make me sad but I would never let my sadness stop me thinking about the good life that me and mam and dad had.

I have never really wanted any thing other than being with my beloved mam and dad. I devoted my life to them and they devoted their life to me.

Health services do differ. In England the NHS will not really operate on anyone above 80. Totally wrong, but I did not want mam suffering through an operation where the consultant said she may not survive the anaesthetic or the operation.

Palliative care was initiated when the consultant could not sort out mam’s small bowel blockage by the two other methods he tried. Within one and half days mam was home. Mam wasn’t eating. She could not. She had a bowel blockage. She could only sip water.

I always try to get out. I go to places where me and mam were always together. I had a keyring made with a photo of mam. I take that with me and hold it in my hand or place it on the table where I sit. Me and mam used to go to Scarborough on the coast. 6 times a year for 4 years. The same hotel. The staff loved mam. I haven’t been back to the hotel yet until September but I have been back to Scarborough three times for day trips. Me and mam had such a happy time there with wonderful memories.

My brother’s wife was never a daughter in law to my lovely mam and dad. She never came near or did anything for them. She is rubbish there is no other way to phrase it.

Yes. I am definitely lost without my beloved mam. We were together every day of every month of every year for sixty and a half years. When you are that close and live together you are bound to miss them. It is a heartbreaking situation.

Mam’s possessions and belongings do spark memories but I will never get rid of anything of mam’s. Dad has been passed away above 9 years and all his clothes and coats and shoes are in his wardrobe in mam and dad’s bedroom.

In this country Debby things are maybe different to the Netherlands. Mam, as much as I was so distraught, had to go with the undertaker after about 5 hours, but we had had our whole lives together . Mam was back home for nearly 10 days under palliative care. Away from the hospital thankfully.

The letter to mam was my idea of celebrating all we had done together in life. I did not need to write a letter when mam was alive. We told each other everything. All our feelings and emotions. While mam was laying in rest instead of random ideas, the 15 page letter went through all our wonderful lives together.

Because me and mam and my brother always have been spiritual, nothing related to it scares us. It is a natural thing for us.

Hope you had a good day out Debby. Sending you all my kindest thoughts and best wishes.Stephen.

[Debra65]

Dear Stephen,

20 degrees is much better then. Today it was about 25 degrees I guess. But my sister said it is going to be much warmer again in a couple of days. I dislike the heat.

I understand Stephen, I am sick of missing my mam too. From the moment I wake up till I go to bed. She was my whole world. My dad too. Now we have to live our lives without them for the rest of the time we get to live. Such a scarry thought sometimes. Maybe 20 or 30 (who knows) years living on my own in this hard world. Thankful to have my sister I hope for many more years.

So you keep the routine you had with your mam, like watching tv shows.

What you say about cherish and love all your memories you had with them is a good thing to do. I admire you for already thinking about those good memories. I am not there yet. If I think of memories now and my sister said she also cannot do that now, makes us so sad, because they are gone. And it hurts to think of them never coming back.

Beautifully said about you devoted your life to them and they did the same for you.

I am glad I did the same, my parents were everything to me. And my sister also said I have a husband and children (daughter 30 and son 31) but I feel just as alone and sad as you are she said to me. After 4.5 months they do not even ask her anymore how she feels or about her sadness.

No, so you understood the risks about the operation. and anaesthetic. So sad she got that bowel blockage otherwise she would still be here I guess. How does that develop such a blockage? And was that all of a sudden?

A friend of mine her sister who is 78 years old had an emergency operation because of a ileus. It is life threatening. But she got through it. Yes, so I understand your mother could only drink water.

Nice that keyring. She must have loved that going out with you to the coast and so many times a year. You really did everything to make her happy with those lovely trips and hotel. I can imagine that the staff loved your mam. So you go back alone now in sept. I hope the staff will support you by sharing memories of her and give you a good time there.

Does it not make you feel extra lonely going back to Scarborough without her now?
Sounds like your sister in law was exactly the same as my brothers wife. Awful people. I think you as a wife should be thankful to the parents whose son you got to marry. They raised the son with love and care and that’s why you should treat the parents with all respect. I blame my sister in law for that behaviour too. But I distanced myself from them for years now. Their children did not even shake our hands and offer their condolences. They are influenced of her. Sad very sad.

It really is heartbreaking Stephen. I saw Queen Elisabeth in an interview saying after she lost Prince Philippe, the pain and mourning is the price we have to pay for having felt deep love.

I am glad you told me you keep all the belongings and possessions of your mam and dad. I keep it all too. I could never clean out the closet with all her beautiful clothes that looked so good on her. And her necklases.

Yes, you can be thankful for the palliative care at home with your dear mother. I would have wanted that for my dear mother instead of that awful hospital in Amsterdam. There were only 2 nurses (one from Spain) that were really lovely and kind to me and really sweet to my mother (stroking her hair when they were ready doing the medical things).

That you told each other everything is what my sister said to today when I said that it would have been so much better if she would have been at home (my uncle had six weeks on a bed at home before he got euthanasia because he was sick and he and his wife and sons and all other family and friends got all the time to talk with him). I said then we would have got the chance to say more things to her and gradually saying goodbye. My sister answered Debby we took care of mam for 9 years we said everything to her.

Thank you for asking Stephen. Yes we had a good day out today. First we went to our cousin (female and 71 years old), she recently had brainsurgery and radiation. But she is doing well now. In august she has to go through the scan again. But her prognoses were good. So it hopefully won’t grow back. She took us out to a beautiful place in the woods for a delicious lunch. I had dark bread with tunasalad, it was delicious. For the first time in months I really enjoyed the food. We talked about the old days and family history. But I felt so sad inside feeling so lost without her. Before when I was going out, I always knew when I came back home my mother was here. Now I came home tonight to an empty chair. But my sister said it was a nice day out. And that it is ok not to only stay at home and be sad all the time. We went to another cousin and she even made us laugh with something she told us. It was really funny.

So I understand Stephen that you go out, because staying home all the time and being sad and lonely is not really helping us very much. Although we need to now and then.

I hope you had a “good” day too Stephen. Did you go out today?

I think tomorrow I will ask my sister to bring Josh (4) here from school. He asked me to make a drawing with him for his grandfather (who has been treated also just for the same thing as my cousin, awful).

I am going to drink my tea and go to sleep.

Take good care of yourself Stephen and till next time. Debby

[Stephen65]

Hello Debby.

How are you feeling today? It has been quite a busy day for me today.

Every Monday, me and mam used to go to Doncaster. It is a large town about 10 miles from where we live. When we went we shopped, had a couple of coffee stops and on occasions a bit of dinner. There were some items we bought there that we cannot buy locally, so I went this morning to stock up on those items. Things such as 18 month old aged Red Leicestershire cheese and other things too. It was okay. Got me out a couple of hours.

I don’t since retiring do a lot of mileage in the car. Less so since mam passed. I hadn’t put any petrol in since March, so the tank needed filling up. Very expensive but it will last a while.

After my dinner I had to do my local food shopping that I could not do yesterday because I had a hospital visit. So I went to a couple of small supermarkets and got what I needed. That took an hour.

When I got back I had to put everything away and then I managed a read for half an hour.

Typical that my brother and niece wanted to visit yesterday morning and because they could not come yesterday they wanted to come today, but I was out. When I could see them from Thursday onwards, they won’t bother to come.

Still very sad and down and missing mam so much. I hope you are doing as well as you reasonably can. Sending you all my warmest wishes and blessings. Stephen.

[Margaret141032]

I’m so sorry for your loss. My Mam died last Friday and I am feeling desolate. I have been caring for her for 5 years and for the last 16 months she has been bedridden. That was extremely hard for the both of us. She was a proud independent woman and I couldn’t bear seeing her like that. I feel I could have been kinder but my husband tells me I was only reacting to her frustrations and moods. My emotions are in turmoil. I feel no one understands me and what I’m going through hence I have found myself on this site in an attempt to stave off my desperation.

Sending you love and hoping you are doing ok. It is so hard, isn’t it……

[Stephen65]

Hello Margaret

Firstly, I send you my condolences on the recent passing away of your beloved mam. It is so tough and your grief and sadness are natural.

I empathise with how you say that maybe no one feels as you do. I felt/feel like that too. I have a brother, but he isn’t any support and wasn’t really to me and mam when mam was alive.

I also empathise with how you explain about your mum being confined to bed for 16 months. I know you felt really sad and upset thinking of how dignified your mam was, but the indignity of her situation.

I lived with mam for 60 years. She passed away 14 weeks ago. She was beautiful and such a calm, kind and loving mam and I miss her so much.

For the last three years, mam had Alzheimer’s. I always cared and supported mam, as she did me, before this, but after this I did more for mam who struggled to do things for herself.

I always helped mam to the loo in our cloakroom and sorted her out. She was doing great. In spite of her Alzheimer’s we had such a wonderful happy routine together. It was my privilege to care and look after her.

A few weeks before mam passed away she was in hospital nearly 3 weeks. I hated mam being in there. Even though mam had limited mobility, she always walked about the house, but when she was in hospital they left in her in bed. She could not use a commode so had pads on. She used to say to me because remember I took mam to the loo at home: Stephen. I think i need a poo. If this was at home I would have had her to the toilet and sorted. In there I had to ring for them to change mam. Sometimes it took 10 minutes after she’d had a poo before they came. Mam was upset. I was upset and crying. This never happened at home. Mam at 82. I could cry now thinking of how I made sure she was perfect and dignified and then the indignity of the situation in the hospital.

Well done for posting on here. It isn’t easy. I feel really down and sad all of the time. I do go out on occasions, but not far. Me and mam went everywhere together. I don’t know how I am really getting through with mam’s passing because I am not really. I just take it day by day ,but mam’s and all our mums passing away leaves a chasm in our lives.

Sending you all my warmest wishes and support. Keep posting your emotions on here. It does help. God bless .Stephen .

[Sparrow2]

Hello Margaret, I am also in my 50s and always lived with my Mum. My Mum was very independent. When she broke her hip, was recovering and had carers for a short while, we used to walk to the bathroom with me behind her. She would wash before they arrived! I think our Mums were probably of a generation who worked hard and were independent. You are in the very early days. I was a complete ‘mess’ and just sat and sobbed. The guilt is a normal part of grief. Someone told me, what I did I did with love and not duty. I am sure that the same is true for you. My partner did not really understand at the start. I signed up for counselling and what she ‘normalised’ and said to me I passed on, which helped my partner become more understanding. When the counsellor told me that I don’t need to move on, but will always have the connection with my Mum, it helped me. I wasn’t saying goodbye. Mum is always with me in my heart and beside me. Your Mum is too.

[Debra65]

Hello Stephen,

I had such sad days I was so overwhelmed with grieve and missing my mam (it was 20 weeks yesterday).

I admire you for keeping the routine you had with your mam like going to Doncaster. Don’t you feel extra sad when you walk there alone with all the memories of the times you were together? Sounds like special cheese. My grandfather was a specialist selling all kind of cheeses.

Yes, we have to keep our cars in good maintenance.

I am lucky that my sister does my food shopping, supermarket overwhelms me. I see al the items I used to buy for my mam and that makes me so sad.

What are you reading now if I may ask?

Did your brother and niece already visit you?

Yes, I feel the same Stephen, so sad and down and missing my mam so much too I can hardly keep on going (I am in deep depression and my psychologist this week said that we have to look for long term therapy some where else. And the only place i want to go is the Sinaï centre where are all the best therapists, but they have a waitinglist for 52 weeks.

I always knew when my mother would pass I would be devastated for many years. And I think you know the feeling of an orphan now that we both have lost mams and dads. That is a terrible feeling too.

Are your friends Liz and Phil already coming to see you in the near future?

I am always glad when the evening falls in now. My sister will call me every night at about 8 o’clock.

If I think of the picture of your mam, she looked just as sweet and kind and friendly like my mam. Today I was thinking about the future and it scares me. That we may be have to live another 25 or 30 years without them.

Sometimes I talk to AI or chatgpt and “he” says do not look to the future. Keep it by this day, minute by minute and hour by hour.

Do you think about the future now that you are alone?

I have never felt this lost in my life as I do now. And I feel even more lonely outside where other peoples lives just go on.

Thursday I went to footreflexmassage and I know Margot for 9 years and she always helps me with talking and trying to help me. She told about a client of hers that was in the hospital and very sick 66 years old. She went there and gave her footreflex also. She had 3 sons and she said to Margot, that she was so sad for her sons when she was gone not for herself because she would be without pain and sickness. A day later she died. And Margot wrote me an email this morning about the condoleance she went to and said that the woman’s (old age) mother and her sister and sons spoke to her and said the she will be missed terribly but that she did not have to suffer anymore.

My sister said mam does not know anymore that she was so sick in that terrible hospital now and that she wanted us to go on living. But living without her and her love is so cold and without purpose. My cousin this week said the only thing that will help you ease this pain is time (years). And I think she is right.

But thinking about years in this pain makes me feel awful.

My sister just appt me and sad she feels the same.

It is going to be warmer again here, I dislike it so much the heat.

Do you have to do gardening?

I am going to water the plants tonight, they need to have water I take from the ditch.

My neighbour said that it is the best water for plants.

I hope you are ok Stephen for as much as this is possible in the sadness.

Sending you my warmest wishes too.

Debby

[Stephen65]

Hello Debby.

Thanks for your message. I am very sad too. Mam passed away 15 weeks ago today.

When i go out anywhere, I always went with mam. We were constant companions. When I am in those places without mam, I feel terribly sad. I have my keyring of mam and hold onto that and speak in my head to mam.

I need to shop because my brother would never think to help me in any way. My mam and dad are/ were so lovely, I wonder where he gets his personality from?

I used to buy mam specific things that i don’t really eat. I see them and feel sad and think I used to get them for lovely mam. Things such as plain scones, jam and compact shakes to help her nutrition.

Sometimes I read books so quickly that after a couple of weeks I have to dig deep to remember what I have read. It only takes me two to three days to read 400 to 500 pages. I finished one today after 3 days. The Woman at the Hanged House by Kate Ellis. Historical crime novel. The book prior to that was a 2 day read. Hollywood Babylon by Kenneth Anger. A non fiction book about Hollywood of the 1920s and 30s. I just started this afternoon a book called The Sentry by Robert Crais. It is one of a series of books based on a private investigator who works in Los Angeles. This is a fiction book. The chap who owns the massive book shop that sells second hand and new books that I go to in Scarborough said to me that there weren’t many of his other customers with such wide eclectic reading tastes. I thanked him very much.

My brother last called on Thursday for 45 minutes. Not a word to say about mam and I have seen my niece two to three times in the last 7 weeks. They never came that often to see mam or me when my beloved mam was alive.

You mentioned your psychologist spoke about seeing a therapist, but a year is a long wait? Are there others you can see?

I am struggling but all I have is my Marie Curie bereavement support. I am on session 5 of 6. I don’t believe it has done me any good. I feel sad permanently. When I go out I try not to show my emotions. However, I have been moved to tears for various reasons on several occasions, but my grief is mainly at home.

There was an old film called Alien. You might have heard of it or seen it. It wasreleased in the late 1970s I believe. The film poster had the following tagline: In Space No One Can Hear You Scream. That is me but at home. Crying out and nearly screaming for my beautiful mam, but no one hears.

It is a coincidence that you ask about Liz and Phil and thank you for doing so. The thing is Debby, there are no plans currently. They have gone very quiet and hardly text now.

It is lovely that your sister rings you every night at that time. It is so special and I am glad that you have each other for support. I wish I could say the same about my brother.

Thank you again for your lovely words about mam and her picture. She did have beautiful blue eyes and a tremendous smile to match. I don’t really look to the future. Too sad without my beloved mam. I just do day to day, but it is difficult. I have not been out of the house since noon on Wednesday and the first time since then will be the cemetery in the morning.

I do think time helps as they say, but I say how long and looking from our current position, it is something very difficult to imagine.

Here in Yorkshire it was 20 degrees cloudy and windy today. It is supposed to be a bit warmer by the middle of the week here but no more than 24 or 25 degrees. The south, south East and southwest of England always get the higher temperatures. Mam, dad and me cannot stand the hot weather but I think 24 or 25 is manageable.

Take care Debby. Keep in touch. God bless and sending you all my warmest wishes. Stephen.

[Debra65]

Hello Stephen,

Thank you for your message (it makes me feel less alone when I read it). So 15 weeks ago now, that is so short, 20 weeks for me too very short.

Just like you, my mam and I were always companions too. Why don’t you avoid the places for a while (I do avoid all those things because I feel terrible without her)? Hope the keyring helps a bit to hold on to.

So sad that your brother does not help you out now that you are all alone. He has got his family, doesn’t he think of how difficult it is for you now.

That what you say about seeing all the things your mam used to eat, I totally understand. First time I went to the groceryshop I had a panicattack, I saw all the things I used to buy for my sweet mother. Like blueberries and strawberries, applesauce, buttermilk and special bread. I run to the checkout to pay and never went back. My sister is so good to me. She said don’t, I will get your grocery’s. It was a offer that was so welcome. I read that you did all the things to keep her healthy like compact shakes. So sad that she got the bowel obstruction.

Unbelievable that you read books that quickly. That is a great distraction for you now to feel the pain and sadness less. I do not know any of the titles you mention. Kind and nice to make the remark to you from the chap who owns the book shop.

Unbelieveable that you talked to you brother for 45 minutes and he did not even talk with you about your mam. Was he never close with her, not even as a young child? Must be so lonely for you, I have my sister for all those things. Otherwise I would have a total breakdown. I already have, but because of her I am still here. At least your niece visited you, does she talk to you about her grandmother, your mam?

Yes, there are other options for traumatherapy but it takes 13 weeks waitingtime and you have to stay there for 3 weeks, so day and night. And I think that makes me more upset. I am still looking for one. May be the one I went to after my fathers passing. Nothing really helps. I think what my cousin said, only time will help and I know it will take years. I am a high sensitive person. So I feel very deep too. My mother was just like me. I miss her from the morning when I open my eyes till I go to bed. A horrible pain. I feel real sick from missing her. And nothing interests me. My sister was here this afternoon and she brought Josh (4) I promised him to colour with him (he chose a crab). He gives this to his other grandfather who had brainsurgery and radiation and feels better now.

I understand that the sessions 5 of 6 do not really help. It is nice if someone comes to talk to you about your grieve but after they leave the sadness is just as terrible. This friday I get the first session of 5 I believe. She was a very nice and warm person on the phone. I just take the offer. But I still think that we have to go through this horrible pain Stephen for years. My sister said but not like it is now. In two years may be a bit better. On reddit a couple of months ago I read a therapist said it take 7 years. And I visited an old lady years ago, she said it took her 10 years to “come over” the death of her mother. You really never come over it but learn to live with it.

Yes, I think grieving is better at home and alone. I admire you for going out. I stay at home most of the time. Only go out to see the psychologist and the footreflexmassage and eating with my sister (she said you can come more often, but I said no thank you once a week is fine). I do not have the energy most of the time. I am in a terrible state of shock still (what all went wrong in that awful hospital) and that my lovely mother passed a way within a week from viral pneumonia (I blame myself for not knowing more about viruses and how contageous they are). We are now aware that my sister who came to my house on mondays and thursdays to be with my mother when I worked, said on monday she felt normal on tuesday she said I do not feel well (very tired and muscleaches), I said to her we have to be careful with mam. And on wednesday my sister became ill. She coughed for months (influenza A). She must have infected my mother on monday (already 24 hours before she got symptoms), on wednesday my mother became terribly tired and on thursday in the evening she got the 40 degrees. My sister said it herself weeks ago. The incubationtime is 1 to 4 days. I said to her do not feel guilty, we did not no what you had on tuesday and we never knew that a flu could be that dangerous. I have the what if thoughts every day when I wake up. I should have stayed home (because my mother was in another hospital the week before) and tell my sister to stay home. We do the what if’s to make the outcome be positive in our mind. Because we cannot accept we had no control then. And it keeps me away from the pain for a while. Because when I don’t do that I feel the horrible pain that she is gone. I think life is just very cruel. Always thought that, people who you love can pass away and we can hardly prepare although when they are gone the pain will be endless.

I have heard of the film, It is good that you do that at home screaming for your mam Stephen at home and cry. The emotions have to come out. I do exactly the same but in my car, when I ride home and go to the nature and water. Last week I stood there for 2 hours and cried and cried, I was so upset. All of a sudden a car stopped and a young man got out. He askes mrs are you okay? I saw you standing here an hour ago too. He was so sweet. I said I lost my mother in a terrible way and hospital. He said I know grieve can “break” people and asked if I had something to do the next day I said no. He said we have a care farm closeby you can come and talk to my wife and the supervisors (do you know them in England, the farmers who take people in that are in depression or have physical problems, all kind of things)? They can work or just help there and eat together and talk with the supervisors who are often social workers. I said how sweet of you to offer. I said may be not tomorrow but another day.

You are welcome, So sad that Phil and Liz gone quiet and not even text you. My sister just called and I said nobody but you (my sister) asks how I or you are doing. Not even a neighbour. She asked me 2 weeks ago in the garden and I said no not good. And then she said no? No, we will always miss them she said. I said Lida it is only 4 months ago that I lost my most loving and sweet mam. She already lost her husband 4 years ago, and several other familymembers (She is 84 but very fit). My sister said Debby most people are selfish and do not care about other peoples grieve or just are not in the mood to hear grieving people. And she is so right. My mother and father were just so different they always helped people in many ways. And just like you Stephen when I had my mam the last 9 years since my dear father passed away I really did not need others beside her and my sister and her family. A few months ago I read on reddit stories of women who lost their mother of father and someone who was also devastated said, this terrible existence we have to live in.

Thank you Stephen for your kind words that you are glad I have my sister. And I feel sad for you that your brother doesn’t. I guess you were never close then or were you as a child? I had a good relationship with my brother but when he met his unkind wife (really unpleasant and hard) everything changed. I hardly see him anymore only when he visisted my mother at the daycare where I helped as a volunteer on fridays. The people who worked there called me once. Last week she called (we bought our mother a stand up chair and let it place there), now I have offered it on marketplace a website for a certain amount (it is beautiful and almost new). But the daycare lady called and asked for the chair. Then I said Paula I am very sad I worked for you for 2 years and you only called once since my beloved mother passed away, I think that is not very kind. Then she talked to me for about 70 minutes. But only because I said so.

Yes I showed my sister your mother’s photo and she said ohh what a sweet and kind looking lady. Beautiful tremendous smile as you say. What you say, day by day and hour by hour. So you have been home a lot too. Do you sit there at the cemetery for a while, are there benches?

I think from our current position it will take I think about 5 years. That is what it was when my beloved father passed. So a lot of pain ahead I guess. But just like you when your father passed you still had your mother just like us. And now we have nothing. How did you cope when your father passed away?

Sounds like good temperature over there. My sister said it is going to be hot again I believe 30 degrees. Terrible. Do you like the autumn better or spring or winter?

I ordered a book from Manu Keirse (maybe it is something for you too), it is called saying “farewell to mother” he is a psychologist who only writes about loss and mourning. He also says mourning is not a process, it never ends, we just have to live on with the grieve and the loss. It is a book he wrote about his 91 year old mother and she was sick for 10 months and in the hospital. And there were also things in the hospital like that he was not informed about certain things or medicines, etc. And his mother talks about how it feels to say goodbye to her child(ren). That is what I was thinking today because I think back daily about the 8 days in that awful hospital and how sad it was for my mother to say goodbe to her children, us. But things went so fast, at first she got well for two days and we were so hopefull and then on sundaynight within an hour she got more heavy breathing and got an oxygenmask. Then she became kind of normal breathing again and we hold het hand and gave her kisses and said that she was the most dearest and best, sweet mother we could have ever wished for and that she and my dad did everything for us and other things. She was very consious and talked back. I said to my sister this week shouldn’t we have said to her that she was very sick and that she had a pneumonia? My sister said no! She would only become more afraid then. But I think at that time she was not aware (morphine low dose) that she had to say goodbye to us forever. I feel so sad when I type this, I have to cry. She was just like you mother Stephen the most beautiful kind loving soul. I have pain in my heart area just from grieving and the horrible pain that she is gone. I think you Stephen are one of the few I know because of our strong bonds with our mam’s how it feels. The most unbearable feeling. I hate it when the sun comes up in the morning and the pain starts all over again.

I am going to water my plants outside when the neighbours are inside later I do not feel like talking to them. Do you have kind neighbours? When my sweet mother was on the couch the last evening she asked me do you have kind neighbours because in the old days when she was young they had lovely neighbours who helped each other and drunk coffee together. And talked. And she said Debby what a lovely nice house you have. And then I was on my laptop watching something and my mother said we experienced the war (1940-1945) I said yes of course I know (she told me years ago about the war and I loved her stories from the old days so much), but then I went on watching on my laptop and now I am so sad that I did not go to sit with her and say yes mam tell me about that. Not knowing it was our last evening together. The next day she went to that hospital with 40 degrees. My sister said Debby we have talked for years with mam about everything. And there is never enough time, there al always things we wanted to say to them, even when they were 98.

Did your mother talk about her childhood often with you?

Take care Stephen. Yes, of course keep in touch. Your emails help me feel less alone, I hope mine help you too. All my warmest wishes to you too. Debby

[Stephen65]

Hi Debby.

Thanks for your message. This is just a quick reply to say I am sending my usual longer message tomorrow morning. Gives me a bit longer to write it out.

Take care and sending my warmest wishes. Stephen.

[Stephen65]

Afternoon Debby.

As you said ,our mums were everything to us. Loving mums, friends, companions, carers and there for us always. I would not want to avoid the places me and mam went together. I sometimes feel sad when I do go to them, but the wonderful memories help tremendously. I take the keyring I have of mam everywhere. Every time I leave the house, mam is with me.

My brother came this morning. He hadn’t been in 8 minutes before he was raising his voice at me. I told him I don’t need shouting and asked him to leave which he did thank goodness. He doesn’t care what or how I am feeling. It is 16 weeks this Saturday since beautiful mam passed away and the times he has visited he has never asked how I am or mentioned mam at all.

With mam’s Alzheimer’s disease I ensured she ate what she enjoyed and drank her orange juice. In between mam had snacks and two compact shakes per day. Mam has always been slim ,but I got mam up to 8 stones in weight. In November 2024 she was 6 stone 11 pounds. She was only 4 feet 11 inches tall, so not underweight at any time.

Reading has been my life since mam taught me at 5 years and took me to the local library every two weeks for books. I then taught English Language and Literature for 30 years so reading was part of my job.

Me and mam and dad have been close all my life. We lived together all those years and did everything together. My brother left home at 21. Visited once a week so not close at all. I don’t see my niece now. She sends a text each day ,but only puts a few words together.

Good luck to you Debby for getting your therapy sorted eventually. It is good you and your sister and her grandchildren are so close. A good distraction as well.

You mentioned 5 sessions you are having. Is that with Marie Curie? I wouldn’t think it is, but it could be.

I personally believe that what ifs are natural. I bet most people think of them at some point. They don’t always help though. I think the way to think is that you did what was right at the time.

Crying at home helps. Relieves tension. It was very good of the chap you met whilst crying to ask if you were okay and if he could help. Not many people would. I must admit we don’t have those types of farm in England.

The time that has passed since our mums passed away is no time at all. Our grief is still raw and when we are so close to our mums, it cannot be expected to have finished grieving in that time although I am sure there are some people who weren’t as close so don’t have the same relationship or grief.

Most people aren’t interested in our grief. They switch off. Do not listen. Their eyes glaze over as we speak of our loss. I have met people like that. I bet you have? My brother is one of them.

There are benches near mam and dad in the cemetery ,but I prefer to stand over the grave and speak to them and cry when I feel like it.

When dad passed away. It was awful. We were so close all three of us. The only thing that helped was having mam. We supported each other.

The book you are getting sounds okay and good for you to read. I could not read a book like that Debby. Too emotional for me. I like to escape to different locations, situations and characters when I read.

Thank you very much for saying my mam looks a kind loving soul, just as your mum did too. We do have a lot in common and it helps.

With mam’s Alzheimer’s disease, she forgot some things from when she was younger, but mam had told me them all over the years so I used to tell mam stories of when she was younger including when she first met dad. She was 15. Dad was 18. They were on a walk in a local village. It was Summer 1959. Mam with her friend and dad with his.

Your messages help me too. God bless and sending you all my warmest wishes. Stephen.

[Debra65]

Hi Stephen,

Thank you for your reply.

As you mention all the things ous mums were to us. And what an emptyness with the huge void now. I admire you for still going to those places you went with your mam. If it helps you then it is just a good thing to do.

What an awful thing happened with your brother. Why would he do that? He doesn’t care is what reminds me of my brother. His wife is awful and he needed to get his part of the heritage. This was a couple of months ago, and he is not the kind of person who would do this but in the instructions of his awful wife. Disgusting, I have no words for this. She is a real bitch. My parents were so good to her too, she never appreciated it. I feel for you Stephen the only person you have really left is your brother. You must feel so lonely. I do too but thankgod I have my sister. It is unbelieveable that your brother does not ask or talk to you about your mam? He sounds like a hard man.

You really took good care of your mam with all the nutrition drinks and everything. How much was her weight in kilo’s? And her height in cm’s?

How beautiful that you mother taught you how to read at age 5 and took you to the library. She inspired you to become a teacher in English language and literature. Yes, since you have told me how many books you read and how fast I knew it was also because of your background.

Just like you I was always so close with my parents. I think nothing can compare with the bond we have with our parents. When they are gone huge part of us went with them. Life will never be the same. Life is so cold without their love and care. It is five months now and I have been so miserable since then. Not even had a half hour feeling a little bit better. I am really sick of the loss. And I always knew this would happen when I would lose my mother. I always thought I want to go with her. My sister says mam wanted you to go on live your life and try to go on step by step. But my love for her and my father was/is so deep that it is hard to go on. No purpose anymore. The footmassage lady said your father and mother taught you so much, you can give that to your sisters grandchildren. And you still have a sister to be a sister to.

So your niece only sends you short texts, that is not much of a support to then. Are your nieces women that you can have a good conversation with before? Because your mam kind of brought them up till 18 years old, then you saw them a lot I guess.

Yes, I see the psychologist tomorrow (1 hour 177,00 euro’s) and the insurance only pays me about 100,00 back. And it helps almost nothing. She said you need to have longer therapy and trauma therapy because of everything that went wrong in that awful hospital. And how I saw my sweet dear mother suffer 2 times gasping for air 20 minutes (I can’t get those images out of my mind, awful, the EMDR does not help, 2 times now). I am devastated that she had to go through that. They put an extra dose of morphine in the IV, chatgpt says that works fast in the parts of the brain that temper anxiety and the feeling of gasping for air. Although the body and the brainstem make the body using all the muscles to get oxgen in. But says the patiënt does not experience this consciously. I hope so. Stupid young doctors (I found their linkedin pages and they are only working for 3 months, so no experience at all). Patiënts should not suffer at all in the last stage of dying. But I will see them at the medical board in a few months.
Did your dear mother not suffer at all I hope with palliative care? My cousin told me his mother lived for 4 more days and nights and was gasping too. He said doctors are afraid they put the patiënts to sleep and dye to fast and then it look like euthanasia. And they can get sued for that.

No, the 5 sessions are with a spiritual counselor (they are often just humanistic). No religious person. Humanism Is what I believe in myself. I do not believe in an afterlife or that there is a God who is almighty. They are university educated. And she sounded so kind and real compassionate on the phone. Took the time for 30 minutes, did not rush me. So sweet. They cannot take away our pain of course. But help to talk about what happened, the bond with my mother and father, what gives me purpose, etc. So I am looking forward to see her.

You said the Marie Curie lady did not help you. Was she a nice person who tried to talk to you about your parents and mother and how your bond was with them, those kind of things? And did she stay for 1 hour or longer? You mentioned that she said you had to go out more and talk to people or so. What else did she do or help you with?

Yes, the what if’s is always when we know what happened afterwards and what we could have done to prevent things from happening. So no use anymore. They should have warned us about this awful influenza A virus and how dangerous it is for the elderly so we could have worn facemasks. So that my mam may be still was with us now. That is terrible and awful to accept now that it is to late.

Yes, crying helps and some days I cry all the time and like today I was so sad but did not cry. I think when you cry all day the tension is a bit less the other day sometimes. I said to my sister I have never felt this much pain in my life. Only when we lost my dear father but then we had just like you our mother with us.

No, as you say Stephen it is only 4 months for you and 5 months for us since our mums are gone. It is good that you help me remind this, because every day I think I can no longer stand this pain, it is so unbearable. My cousin just called (she can not listen, really annoying). But she said before only time will help. And I think she is right.

Yes, as you say nobody almost nobody can empathize with someone elses grieve and pain. My mother was the person who would have listened to others who were in pain. She was the most loving person I know. An angel. She lost her sweet brother when he was 33 years old while in a caraccident (he was alone in the car) and her sweet sister who was 43 from cancer. And then her mother. She was totally devastated. We had to move to the south for my fathers job and then she got terrible depression for several years because of all the losses and away from her village where she grew up. But she always was strong and worked her self out of it. She had enormous perseverance her whole life. I admired her and my father. My father was the same strong man. Physically and mentally both.

So you go to the cemetery and can speak to get your emotions out.

Yes, the same what you tell about when losing your dad, awful and still having your mother there to support. And now we are on our own. This is a totally different stage of life for us now. Not the stage I already wanted to be in, who does. My sister tries to comfort me by saying Debby we are 60 and 63, we have had the biggest part of our lifes spend with our beloved parents. May be we will live for 25/30 years may be not we’ll never know. But the biggest part we have had with them.

So, no emotional books for you.

Yes, as you say we have a lot in common and it helps me too. My sister said what a coïncidence that we met each other online to support each other in our grieve.

Beautiful that you told your mother her own stories from over the years when she could not remember them anymore herself. I wish I would have done that more the last months. I did it before and my mam then knew most of the things I reminded her of and she started telling more stories. How I loved that talking with her about the old days. She was my everything. I always say she was the love of my life, we were so alike in almost everything. I love that you tell me about how your parents met and where and what age. Some people do not even know how their parents met each other. My mother met my father because of my mothers sister who had a man and my father was his friend. So he introduced my father to my mother. I believe my mother was 27 and my father 29.

So your mother got you when she was 22 and your father 25. Young parents. How old is your brother? And were you getting along when you were children?

Do you cook dinner every night now that you are alone? And what kind of food if I may ask is what you eat in England? Was you mother a great cook when she was younger? My mother was the best cook, it was one of her hobbies. And the best baker ever, making all kind of pies. She had so many talents. I cry as I write this. Sometimes I think I can hardly survive without her. surviving is what I have been doing since that awful feb 13th. I still have less appetite. I do eat. But do not have the strength to cook, also because I find it awful to cook only for me. Although the psychologist said I should try. She is 43 years old and has 3 children and het parents are 72 and 74 I believe. She is a kind woman but doesn’t know how deep the loss of a parent feels. Only people like you Stephen do know.

I have signed up for a 6 weeks (one time a week) mourning and loss meeting in sept. The psychologist showed it to me. Today I called the social worker because they did not answer my email. Then the kind worker said I only have 2 now, you and someone else. And it only takes place if there are 4 people or even better 8 people. But she is going to advertise. She sounded very kind and pleasant. So I will try.

Take care Stephen and sending you my warmest wishes too. Till next time. Debby

[Stephen65]

Hello Debby.

A busy morning. Took my car early for its yearly service. When I got back I walked up to the cemetery and had an hour up with mam and dad and grandma and grandad. I too miss mam so much. She was and is my world.

It is great you have a lovely sister to help and comfort you. It is hard when my only brother refuses to support me and then can get very irritated. It should be me who is irritated not him. I wish he would stay away.

Thank you Debby. Mam was always my priority. Her comfort, her care, her sleep, her food and what she drank. She and dad were so inspiring. Very little money growing up and mam and dad gave us their love and we always had everything we needed. Mam was so patient and caring. Dad was a coal miner working underground. Back breaking work and sometimes 12 hour shifts.

Now mam and dad have passed away and I don’t really have anyone with me or to support me anymore, I find life sad, difficult and not the same anymore. However, what I am doing is living for mam and dad. They are here in the house with me. Their presence. Their lives. Their memories. They are with me in all the places we went together. They are part of me. I have mam and dad’s DNA. They are with me when I leave the house.

It does not stop me feeling totally lost and sad but when I was 17 until I was 23, I was very ill. Mam and dad were so worried for all those years. They visited everyday and sometimes twice a day when I was in hospital. They cared for me at home. I nearly did not make it, but I did. Me, mam and dad ,and I need to make sure that I live for my parents as well as myself.

My nieces were close until age 18. Then they stopped visiting, only occasionally with their dad. They are now 32 and 34, so a while since then. They just for themselves. No one else.

Mam did not suffer. That is because she was made comfortable under palliative care. The district nurses monitored in the first few days how many morphine injections mam needed and from the Wednesday put a morphine driver in using the level they had established to keep mam comfortable.

Our beliefs Debby are the total opposite. I was baptised. Church of England Protestant. We went to church but not weekly. We believe in God, the afterlife, the spiritual world and we always did.

The Marie Curie lady doing my sessions has been excellent. The disappointment was when I rang them as a one off and spoke to a lady I hadn’t spoken to before and she wasn’t as good as the others had been. We talk through my feelings and she says I am doing well.

The loss of our beloved mums is still very close and the grief is unbearable at times.

Your cousin is like my brother. He can talk about what interests him and his family but if I talk he does not listen. My mam and dad were like yours. They were great listeners. They were strong for me and each other. They were married 55 years but were together nearly 59 years including when they first met. It is a privilege to call them my mam and dad.

Me and mam and dad spoke most days about memories. Our family memories but also when mam and dad were younger. I loved listening to their stories and remembered them.

Mam was 21 when I was born. Dad was 24. My brother is 13 months younger than me. He is 59. We did get on until he was married and then it all changed when he met and married his wife. She did not visit or see mam and dad. You could not call her a daughter in law. She came to dad’s funeral and the next time I / we saw her was mam’s funeral. A gap of 9 and a half years.

What some people call lunch at midday, we in Yorkshire call dinner. Then towards the late afternoon we have our tea. Our food has always been traditional English comfort food. Pies, corned beef hash, Shepherds Pie, roast dinners, chips, plus lots of other food too.

God bless Debby. Sending you all my warmest wishes. Stephen.

[Debra65]

Hi Stephen,

Thank you for your reply. I am just back in my house. Had to be at the psychologist at 16.00u and afterwards went to be and eat with my sister. She is the sweetest sister and talks over en over again with me. I feel so lost without my mother. She was my everything for 60 years almost 61 years that I am alive and my father too of course. I told my sister that you “wrote” me here and that you told me that you do not look to far ahead in the future. My sister told me that before do not look to far ahead. Day by day. Yes, I know I said, but I do not have purpose anymore in my life. I feel so lonely and afraid without mam. She said you have me Debby. I said yes, otherwise I was even more upset and afraid.

Yes, I had to do that too the yearly car service. How lonely Stephen at the cemetery all alone. But You feel good by being there otherwise you would not stay for an hour. I remember my father telling me about his father who had a very responsible job in Amsterdam (we did not know him he died before we were born) and when he got of work he often stopped to sit at the cemetery on a bench to rest and find some peace.

Did your grandparents got old age or not? And were they from your mam’s side or your father’s side or both?

My grandmother from my father’s side was 88 and his father I believe 74 or so. From my mother’s side my grandfather was 88 also and my grandmother 74.

So you now rather have that your brother just stays away. I understand he does not give you any support just stress.

Your mother just like mine Stephen must have been so thankful you and I too taking care of them so well. My sister works at a restaurant in a facility care home for the elderly and says Debby so many of the older people have children but visit them rarely. When I am crying she says Debby mam had her 2 daughters with her for 9 years. She was always with us, never alone. Almost no one has that when they grow old. You took care of your mother so well and loving too Stephen, we can be proud of ourselves that while our parents did everything for us their whole life, we took care of them when they were getting older. My sister says I know my son or daughter will never do that when I am old.

You had the best parents Stephen just like we had as I read this. What a tough job your father had. Real hard physical work and long days.

No, as you say I feel the same. Life is sad, difficult and will never be the same anymore. And that is a tough prospect. Although my mother was 92 years old I felt safe when she was with me. I am in my favourite chair now and the I look at the couch where she you to lay in the evenings and I see her lying in my memory the last time at home on a wednesdaynight. I said to my sister what a rich feeling that was mam being here with me. I always felt so proud that she was 92 and still looking beautiful. She was beautiful inside and out. She was such a good and loving warm sweet soul. Just like your mother Stephen and our dad’s.

Beautiful the way you discribe living for them and that the house has so many memories of them. Yes, we have their DNA 50/50. My sister also said when I said I sometimes feel like not want to continuing living without her and my dad. She said you were born out of love and they gave you life. They would want you to go on living your life.

So you were ill so young for 6 years. Yes, that is terrible for parents too. May I ask what kind of illness (but only if you want to share it of course)?

So your nieces are quite selfish as you tell. Are they married themselves and have children or not? I do not understand if you have such sweet and loving grandparents that is a gift.

That sounds like well done palliative care. That is the way it should be done. My sister and I hope that the 4 we sued at the medical board will get punished for letting my sweet mother suffer two times and now I have to live with those images, because they were unexperienced, they should have been guided by a supervisor.

So you are protestant. We are catholics, we were baptised too. But I have kind of lost my faith. Although we prayed with a spiritual counselor at my mam’s bed in the hospital. That was so emotional. I hope she heared it despite the morphine. I don’t know.

Oh, so the lady doing your sessions was excellent.

Yes, Stephen as I said before I have never felt this much awful unbearable pain before. With the loss of my father too of course but then we still had our mother. Some days I wake up and think I do not want to go through another day with this unbearable pain. But we have too. This week I thought now I understand that some people who have suffered losses sometimes are drinking or using other things to sedate themselves to feel less pain. I never do that. I do not drink, do not smoke.

So your brother can not listen too. So your parents have been together for a long time. As you say, I say too I was proud to call them my parents.

Like you I loved the stories from the old days from my parents. Did you film your mother and father sometimes to watch back now?

I can not watch photo’s or video’s, I get so upset. My Iphone sometimes pops up a photo and I feel awful pain that she is not here anymore.

You had the time at home for 9 days to talk to your mam I believe. So you can really say everything to each other. My mother was sick at first 40 degrees in that awful hospital. Awful nurses forced me to go away while I begged to stay with my mam (they are sued too). I sat in the hallway downstairs (dark and nobody there) for 4 hours and then went up in the morning. I found her as sick as I left her, the did not put an IV fluid or paracetamol on her. I was in shock that they did not do that. That’s the first thing they had to do. She was so sick. After I begged for an IV on fridaynight she became herself again just like on sat and sun, she was doing so well. And then all of a sudden on sundaynight she got out of breath and they put an oxygenmask on. That horrible doctor took us out of the room for a conversation. Awful man, not normal. He said, she is 92 years old, almost a century, she must be having a bacterial pneumonia now I thought about an IV antibiotics, I begged him to do that and then he said NO!! She is almost a century old, we are going to the end. Everbody who hears this story, say what a nightmare this man is not normal. He did not see or examine my mam, no lung xray or bloodwork, nothing. The morphine pump was started on that night and she got less and less out of breath and we could still say everything to her and she talked back. That she was the most loving mother we had had, just like dad, etc. The day after in the afternoon I said mam Hella is coming soon, my sister, then she said that is a surprise. And soon after that we could not speak to her anymore. So we only had that night to say everything. She lived for another 5 days with an oxygenlevel of 97%. So now we know that IV antibiotics would not have saved her life. It was a viral pneumonia. And there is nothing we can do about that the body’s immunesystem has to fight that itself. And at her age the body goes in kind of overdrive and it atacks the lungs to hard. Awful disease that influenza A. Unbelieveable that something we cannot see can be that deadly. I hate it. I was just like you always so aware of my mother’s health and the a virus takes away het life and leaves us devastated. It was like covid.

Did your mother ever get the flu?

You had young parents Stephen. You just have an awful sister in law as I do. They can break the bond we have with our siblings. But I would have never had a man get in between me and my family. So sad that she did never visit your parents.

But their daughters were so much at your mother’s house till 18 as you have mentioned. So strange that their mother did not visit then either.

Nice to read what kind of food you eat.

We eat for example boiled or mashed potatoes with vegetables and gravy or baked potatoes with salads and sometime meat. Or we make rice dishes or noodles. That kind of things.

And at teatime I guess you eat sweet things.

Did your mother and father have other siblings? Oh Yes I remember your mother has a brother that yoou speak to once a year I believe.

My mother came from a family of 6 girls and 2 boys. And my father had 2 brothers and 3 sisters.

My sister bought the book today. Farewell to mother. I just read 2 pages at my sisters house tonight and am going to read now before going to sleep. Josh (4) asked can you read to me? I said yes Josh another time another book for children. Then I thought of you Stephen how your mother inspired you to read when you were 5. Josh is eager to learn. He is smart just like his sister (2).

Take good care of yourself Stephen and sharing our stories and losses of our beloved mam’s helps to feel less alone. Debby

[Stephen65]

Hello Debby.

So great you have a good sister. I should be comforted with a brother, but he isn’t a great brother. He should have supported me these last 16 weeks, but nothing from him.

Mam was my world too as was dad. I miss them so much every day. Since mam passed away, I have felt the weight of my dad’s passing even more because now in the physical realm I have no one, but I do have mam and dad and grandparents in the spiritual world.

My brother stopped going to dad’s grave 3 months after he passed away. He went 5 weeks ago to mam’s interment and that was it. I like the comfort of being alone at the cemetery. I would not want his brooding presence with me. I can talk and cry and it is peaceful.

Mam’s mam, my grandma was 84. Mam’s dad was 68. They were beautiful grandparents. So loving and so many memories. Grandad was a coal miner too. Dad’s mam my grandma was 84 also. She worked at a tank factory in the war and afterwards for many years was a cook in a local hospital. Dad’s dad my grandad was 82 when he passed away. He was a coal miner too, but from 1939 to 1946 when he was demobbed, he was in the army. World War 2. He was in the artillery in a Scottish regiment called The Seaforth Highlanders. He went all over the world. North Africa, South Africa and came back through Germany at the end of the war when they were liberating the concentration camps. He never spoke about it. He was back home and went down the mine. A different breed of man then. I have a lot of pictures of him in the army and with his regimental kilt on.

My view is that a lot of people, sons and daughters do not care for their parents. They say they do. Two or three visits. A couple of phone calls a month and they say they love them. Love is doing what we did and what my other friends on here did.

Ultimately, how close we are and were to our parents, no one could ever replace them. How could they? We lived for 60 years together. If anyone asks what i want it is my mam and dad back. Impossible I know.

In a nutshell. When I got diagnosed I had a bowel disease. Tablets did not help. Mam went to GP and told him that I was in a desperate state. From mam’s visit I got straight in to see a surgeon. First was an abscess on my bowel which they removed but I had to have a stoma fitted. I needed a major operation but only weighed 5 stones. I had to put some weight on then I was in hospital 6 weeks and had half of my bowel removed ,but also at the same time they reversed the stoma so I did not have one of them because eventually my bowel went back to its normal function. I still go to consultant now once a year 40 years later.

If mam had not done what she did, I would not have survived ,but I did thanks to my determination and my lovely mam and dad.

My nieces are selfish. Katie is 32. Two children. One 5 and one 7. Alison is 34. No children but has a partner. Those girls were so well cared for growing up by mam and they repay her by not visiting very often.

You mentioned smoking and drinking. I don’t smoke and never have and do not drink alcohol.
Mam and Dad bought me in 2010 a video recorder. A miniature one called a Flip so I have videos from 2010 up to 2014 from there of mam and dad and I have transferred them to my phone.

Teatime is a northern tradition for working class people. You might have a sandwich or a scone or something else and we have a bun to finish. Me and mam had our dinners around noon and teatime at 4.30pm.

God bless Debby and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes.Stephen.

[Debra65]

Hi Stephen,

So nice to see you have replied already, it makes me feel less alone at night (mostly read your “letter” then).

Yes, I am thankful for my sister. Otherwise I think I would not be here now. So sad you don’t have that with your brother. Makes you so lonely especially now that your mum is not here anymore.

Yes, I understand. I feel the pain of the loss of my father 9 years ago also even more now that my mum is gone. Must feel good that you because of your faith believe they are in the spiritual world. Then they feel less really gone.

Your brother is so different from you as you explain what he does. Yes, much more peaceful for you without him at the cemetery.

Interesting what you tell about your grandparents. Many coal miners in your family. Tough job, something to admire. Your grandmother had different professions too. Your grandfather was doing so much good in the war, admirable. Liberating the concentration camps. A strong man, back home and down the mine. I understand he never spoke about it, he must have seen and experiencing horrible things in the war. I gues many of them would have developped PTSS. Beautiful you have all those pictures of him in the army. Does your brother shows any interest in those things?

As you say Stephen what some people call love for their parents is not what we call love. My sister also said not many people do have these enormous strong bonds with their parents as we do/did en still have.

No, there will never be a bond again as we had with our parents. Couple of weeks ago an older man from the garage (he picks up my car for maintenance and brind it back again) came. I let him in and he stayed for 2.5 hours to talk and ask me how I am doing. So that was so kind of him. And he was really kind and he knew the village my mother grew up in. But while he was here I thought I want to talk to mum not to “strangers”. But my sister said it is kind of him to stop by. And it was. Yes, I know Stephen we want them back. I imagined this week how it would be that my mother was back and it was just an awful nightmare that she was gone. I would feel so happy again and all the pain and sadness would be gone. But no fairy tails in real life.

What a terrible story what happened with you when you were young. Your mother saved you in time. So they keep you coming back that is a safe feeling, that doctors watch you closely.

Is there a hereditary something maybe? Because your dear mother had that bowel obstruction.

Not very kind of your nieces. I would love those grandparents, grandma like your mother who took care of them so well. Did your mother ever discuss that with you that she found that painfull of your nieces?

Do you watch those video’s you put on your phone now? Because you told me at first you watched pictures from your mother but then later it was to painful to look at?

Sounds much better what you do in England dinner around noon and teatime later. We here in the netherlands eat dinner at night, but for digestion it would be better in the afternoon.

My sister bought me tartare to bake in butter. I need iron. My hair is falling out so bad since my mother passed away. All stress and high levels of cortisol I guess. Sometimes I eat it on a bun with some mayonaise and curry like a hamburger. Tonight I ate it without the bun. The GP made me a lab form. So I have to go for bloodwork.

Have you gone out lately or staying inside reading books?

I have been reading today in my new book. Farewell to mother. It is nice to read how the writer writes about his feelings and his mother does too. And how strong a bond with parents can be.

I still cannot contain that my mother was gone within 8 days. And the last 5 days she was mostly asleep with morphine. I blame the forst doctor that he said (he new there was an xray that showed slight deviations (he did not tell me that) your mother has to cough it up herself otherwide it looks bad (strange way of saying things). He should have said it looks bad, we see on the xray, etc. Because of the IV fluid my mother went uphill and was doing so well for two days. Where she talked with us, ate and drank and laughed. So we thought yes she is going to be well again may be, But in an hour on sundaynight she got out of breath and developped that viral pneumonia. If he would have said she can go uphill for a few days but it can turn bad in no time. Then we would have had that weekend to say everything we wanted to say because we would have known it was farewell. I blame him very much. And I will tell him at the medical board. My sister said yes that is true. But look at it different because we cannot do it over, you were there (me), Jules (my brother) was there, we talked, I bought strawberries and washed and mashed them with sugar and gave it to her and she loved it, I made her laugh with some stories she told me about her teachers when she was young and about her sister. But no, I would have said so many more things to her if I knew it was our last time together. But we got to say things sundaynight when she was on morphine to take away her shortness of breath, we said she was the most loving mother to us always, she did everything with dad for us (and gave us so much love and teached us so much about life and love, etc.). And that they were the best parents we could have wished for and she thankfully talked back and heard everything. It is so unbelieveable that then all of a sudden we know there is not much time left and we have to say farewell. We did not say that literal but as a way of speaking. My sister says Debby there a many people who die suddenly. And they and their children can not even say anything anymore as goodbye.

She told me last summer she was sitting at a cafe outside for a drink and the other cafe next to her there was a celebration of a woman’s 80th birthday. The lady got to the restroom and came outside again and just dropped on the floor. Awful. Her son was running for an AED and tried to bring her back. But it did not work anymore. So sad. She gave that as an example.

I am going to sleep, the lady the spiritual counselor will be here tomorrow at 10 in the morning.

Take good care of yourself Stephen and my kindest regards back to you. Till next time. Debby

[Bean2]

Hi Stephen, what a beautiful picture of your sweet mam. I’m so sorry to hear of the pain you’re going through. My mum passed 3 years ago and nothing is the same anymore. I too feel lost, lonely and feel there’s no purpose or meaning to anything….

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that no one stays on planet Earth forever and one day we shall be reunited with our loved ones! We will see them again​

In the meantime just take it hour by hour, be kind to yourself and know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. Lots of love and big hugs xxx Bina