Losing my mum

My mum was my best friend, my protector, my strength, my hope, my everything. She got diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few years ago and in that same year her beloved 20yr old cat died and then 3months later her precious son, my brother died aged 39yrs. I don’t know how she got through that year but she did, she was in pain and broken with grief but she battled on and she and I got closer than ever, both of us loving the other fiercely and unconditionally. In 2018 she became more fragile and we decided that it would be better for her to live with me and I’d stop working and become her full time carer. I planned to make her life better, enriched with love and support and to ease her difficulties. However, she began to have difficulty swallowing until she couldn’t even swallow water and she had to go into hospital to have a PEG fitted, I was trained how to deal with it and plans began on converting our dining room into a downstairs bedroom and wet room for her. I went to visit her everyday in the hospital, 3 times a day and I lived for those visits. Things were difficult and the future was scary, but I was determined to make her happy and safe and fulfilled. However, she began to become weaker and caught pneumonia in the hospital and one Sunday evening, a week before her birthday, I was called to the hospital in the evening and when I arrived mom looked terrified and was struggling with her breathing, I sat on the bed with her and watched her slowly slip away, I continued to hold her in my arms and will her with my all my might and love to pull through but she died in my arms and I held on to her for a further two hours praying and praying she would wake up and come back to me, she couldn’t leave me, I needed her, I was supposed to look after her, make her safe, make her happy, give her a good life and carry her pain. I’d failed her, I’d lost her, the world grew dark and cold and I was broken, my heart died. The staff finally persuaded me to let her go and I went home with no hopes, no future and no mom. I thought losing my brother had destroyed me and the pain had been unbearable but this loss hit me like a speeding train and I’ve not been able to get a grip of myself, I can’t bear this world without her, I can’t cope not seeing her, hearing her voice, I miss her hugs, her laughter, I miss her love. I don’t want to be in this world without her, I HATE it. Time isn’t healing, it’s just more painful, more empty and so so lonely.

Hi ruthie,

Sorry for the loss of your mum. I’ve also lost mine in recent months and struggling terribly with the fact that I will never see her or speak to her again. I also lived with my mum but I wasnt her carer. She went into a routine operation fairly well for a 74 year old and suffered a severe bleed on the brain 15 minutes into the recovery room.
I will never come to terms with the loss of her but this forum has provided alot of comfort to me and I have made friends with a lovely group who have also lost their mums.
What i can tell you is that you did not fail your mum in any way. You were there for her all the time. Her body simply gave up and there was nothing you could have done.
Guilt is a huge part of grief and all of us suffer it in one way or another.
Please continue to post to share your pain and you will see you are not alone
Cheryl x

Hi ruthie1
I’m so sorry for your loss, I can relate to such a lot of what you have said here. I became my Mum’s carer, she had severe COPD and in the last couple of years of her life, developed dementia. It was devastating to watch a once fiercely independent and able lady become reliant on others for help with even the most basic of things. She was my last living relative and now she’s gone I feel so alone and don’t really want to continue.

I worried that I’d failed my Mum, she had to go into hospital and never came out. I visited her every day and made her as comfortable as possible. But neither you nor I failed them. We did everything we could to help and make their lives as good as they could be at the end of their lives. Please try and hold onto that. You were a good, loving, caring daughter and your Mum would not wish you to torment yourself with thoughts that you failed her, you didn’t.
Kind thoughts

Hi Cheryl, I’m so sorry you lost your mom, it’s awful isn’t it. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. I don’t like the pain of grief yet I also don’t want it to hurt less, because I don’t want life to carry on normally without her, I don’t want to feel ok, she deserves to be mourned for the rest of my life. Guilt is a horrible pain but I deserve the guilt. I’m just taking life a day at a time but I’ve become very isolated and withdrawn. I don’t want to go out and put on a stupid smile.
I’m here if you need to chat and thank you again for your kind words xxx

Welcome to our group, Ruthie.

I was my mums sole carer and lost her the week before xmas. I am same. Everything revolved around mum. She was housebound and fell easily so couldnt be left which meant i only went out for food/chemist early and quickly when she was in bed. We were at clinic via ambulance day before and all seemed stable but the next night after a normal day she suddenly became unconscious. Everything in my life revolved around her. My siblings are disperate and have families. They havent been in touch and i am alone in her house with her things. I feel i have nothing now and hate wakening up. This forum is full of kind people though and gives somewhere to go when desperate. Hugsx