Losing my mum

Hello everyone,

I wanted to know what advice you might have when approaching the death anniversary of a loved one. Is there anything you like to do on the day? It seems really hard to comprehend that so much time has passed and how one day can have such trigger points when everyday is a battle in and of itself.

I lost my mum at 19 and it’s really hard to find people who can relate to such a loss. I’m hoping that I might be able to find someone on here who can share some words of advice. Thank you x

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Hi. rohini. Sorry for the delay in answering your post. It’s almost two years to the day since my wife died. Anniversaries can be reminders of our loss, but can also be reminders of good times. All we can do is send love to our lost ones. In a way we inflict more pain on ourselves by reminding ourselves of past events. Not everyone will agree. Time has no respect for anniversaries. It flows on and we either go with it or go under.
Why torment ourselves by reminding ourselves of the pain we have to endure? To some birthdays, wedding anniversaries and such are important. I respect that and each to his own. You rightly say about triggers. It doesn’t take much. A sight, a sound even a smell can set off emotions.
We all cope in our own way and at our own pace.
Take care. John.

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Hi John,

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I couldn’t agree with you more about time flowing even though you feel like it should stop and you don’t understand why the world doesn’t stop still.

Hi Rohini
Memorials are really bad for me but not as bad as the day of the ‘See you later’. (I dont say the F as it associates with loss and being final)

This will be our 4th year, the date worse than the memorial is the 23rd of December. I saw my mum in the Chapel that morning to take the final pictures from my kids and knew would be the last chance of seeing the lady who was my Mum, I try and tell myself the same as my kids, the Mum and Nan who loved so dearly, who laughed with us, made all the memories, is whats inside that person, their soul and thats who will always be around. Just not for us to see. That final day though it was hard to not look at Mums face and know it was that body that held me when I needed it most. That day is the day I had to let my Mum go and sticks with me more than the service itself.

We can try and distract ourselves as much as we can but my advice would be to let yourself do all the things you need to that day, be it shout or scream. You will relive the day for a while and must allow yourself to grieve on the day, it was a day of sadness and loss, let yourself think of your Mum throughout the day and until you can think of memories and smile to replace the memories of hurt, let yourself do what comes naturally. The following morning when you wake, tell yourself that day is not the day you want to hurt, look at a picture of your mum smiling and smile back at her xx

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Thank you so much Claire. I really appreciate the time that you took to write this message and I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think that what I feel is that each day is so hard that I’m filled almost with confusion as to why it is the death anniversary date that people reach out to me and ask me how I’m doing and say that they understand how difficult it is. Of course, it is a difficult day but no more difficult than the day before or the day will be the next day. It just so happens that that is the day which signifies that another year has passed. It’s hard to know what to do but I agree you just need to be kind to yourself and let yourself feel the emotions xx

It doesn’t help when asked if you’re ok, I just want to scream what a stupid question, as is the usual they know how feeling, especially if still have their Mum. I ask if they really do when they can still the name ‘Mum’ pop up on the phone, can still smile on mothers day etc. There always seems to be an anniversary coming up and so many triggers. Looking at pictures and smiling has been a huge step for me, I wont listen to songs played at the service and can’t watch Mum on video without being a wreck but I will be able to one day, just not yet.
If others don’t know what you’re going through I think they switch off the day to day hurt and only ask around memorials, i think it is more that because they don’t know the pain of losing someone so important in your life, they can’t even imagine what they will someday have to deal with themselves. Huge hugs lovely

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