Losing my mum

Good morning everyone
I have been looking at this community since my mother passed away on February the 8th this year and have been reading some of the conversations about everyone’s experiences and they have been great comfort so I know feel ready to tell mine
My name is Richard and I’m 50 my mother had COPD for many years and was diagnosed with brittle bones after she had a fall and broke her hip about 2 years ago
My mum had been suffering for years but she was a fighter and would never give in even though the conversations she and me had she wanted to
She had been in out of hospital in the last 18 months after several different falls there had been about a month between my last 2 visits to see her the last one being 9 days before she passed on and when I walked into the front room that day my heart broke to see my mum she was a shell of her former self we had fish and chips which she loved she only had a child’s portion she ate all the fish but barely touched the chips
After we left we got home to ring her and her friend was there to say she had fallen again and was going back to hospital and this time she would not leave there again alive
Her health was ok for 6 days then she took a rapid decline and in the space of 72 hours she was put on end of life care by myself and my brother as my father is still alive but deaf and was in no state to agree it was the hardest thing I had ever done but the kindest
We made the decision at 1pm me and my brother spent a couple of hours alone with mum and our partners the nurse came and removed the tubes at 2pm and my brother left at 3.45 to go home for abit before returning but he never got back as at 4.30 pm mum took a last look around my Partner Lucy was holding mums hand and she squeezed Lucy’s hand closed her eyes and headed off to the stairway to heaven
It was the hardest thing I had ever done I had been preparing myself for a few years because I knew her health was getting worse and the chats we had but it was still the hardest thing I will ever done I don’t mean this in a nasty way but I m glad my brother had gone home he hadn’t been prepared for it and it would have been so much harder for him he rang me to ask if he should come back and I advised him not too as I didn’t think it would do him any good
Moving on as per mums wishes she only wanted a cremation so my brother arranged it for her we were given the week commencing 13th of March and they were to ring us to tell us when but my brother had heard nothing by the Wednesday so rang them to be told she had already been cremated and they hadn’t told us so upset she didn’t want a funeral but not to be told they had cremated her was heartbreaking
We are still waiting for the ashes to be returned was 2-3 weeks so should have them soon and we can scatter the ashes at one of her favourite places
I have been so lucky with the support I have received my work have been amazing with their support and I have been chatting with a few close friends and family and talk regularly with my brother which is very nice we had drifted apart but I know mum would love that her sons are back chatting
But other people have drifted away and not bothered to contact me and someone I consider another brother from another mother has barely spoken to me he said he would come over and see me but hasn’t and that has hurt
I have my good days and bad and I know I will get through it but I do feel alone sometimes especially at night when my partner works and I can’t ring mum for a chat so horrible

Thank you for taking the time to read my conversation
Take Care Richard


Sorry for your loss it sounds like you have really had a tough time of it. That is unbelievable that they cremated your mum without your knowledge, that is huge in itself. Hope you are finding some comfort in this site. I totally understand what you mean with support you expect to be there and nowhere to be seen. I lost my mum suddenly at the end of December she had a heart attack and whilst she didn’t suffer it was a shock as not expected at all. I am still trying to process that and since her funeral it has not got any easier, sometimes the grief is worse. My mum was a single parent and feel lost without her as she was always there and it’s a tough journey without her so far. I have been told to not be so hard on myself but it’s difficult, hopefully this journey gets easier at some point.
Take care

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Hi Valda

Thank you for your kind words and I am very Sorry for the loss of your mum too
I have had a really tough time and some days I feel like I’m turning a corner then something comes along to cut me down again I take comfort that mum is at peace and no longer suffering but I still wish she was here with me
It was awful to find out mum had been cremated but I have sworn that when I scatter the ashes it will be a special occasion and fitting send off for mum
I don’t put a timeline on my grieving just take each day as it comes but I know I will have the bad times but I know I have people who do care who message me and talk to me and that helps so much
I hope things get better for you to Valda and thank you for taking time to reply to my message means a lot
Take care

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Hi Richard
So sorry for your loss. I too found little or no support from friends including my “bestie”, since my darling mum passed suddenly in October from cardiac arrest.
It’s quite unbelievable really. However I found this forum such a comfort. I have established real friendsips with strangers and I’m sure they will continue…
We are all going through the same terribile situation and we are all here for each other.
Reach out whenever you need to.
Sending love and strength.
Kate x


Hi Kate
Thank you so much for replying to me and I am so sorry for your loss too
It has hurt me to think people i have been there for in the past seems to have forgotten about me but I have people who care and check in regularly
I will always reach out if I need to and thank you again for your reply
Take care
Richard x