Losing my mum

Lost my mum 4 weeks ago it was very traumatising watched her fight for hours before she couldn’t fight no more . It was completely unexpected and sudden . She was 66 and the most beautiful soul inside and out she was my best friend therapist anchor and just my favourite person . I spoke to her daily and visited constantly im struggling to accept this reality and life just feels empty and full without this amazing woman she’s missed 2 milestones already daughters 16th and prom soon also my b day . Just wondering if this horrendous unbearable pain ever eases cause right now life feels pointless but I’m staying strong for my daughter but everyday feels fake and forced especially in work . :heart:

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Hi Jen16, Im so sorry you are going through this. My mum also passed away suddenly 4 weeks ago. She was 68 and had a massive haemorrage. My brother and I were with her, but it all happened within a few hours and we are still in absolute shock. My daughter also celebrated her 17th Birthday, and my Brother was 40 last weekend. It really is so incredibly painful isnt it. We also lost our Dad 8 years ago to cancer (he was 65).

I must admit I am still not back at work. I cant face going back. My mums funeral is the 10th July, as we were delayed with mums coroner report. I also work in a nursing care home as a activitites coordinator, and used to love my job. But I cant even raise a smile, let alone be chatty, friendly and compassionate to other people.

I completely understand with how you feel. I just feel so numb, sad, empty and I am also so angry too. It really is so painful, and I think Im still in shock and denial of it all.

Im so glad to hear that you have your daughter for support. You need to stick together and support each other. This forum has helped me survive the past few weeks. Everyone has been so lovely and understanding. Its horrible that we are all here for the same reason, but hopefully just having a listening ear who is going through something similar will help a little.

Sending love and hugs, and sorry again you are going through this.

Xxxx

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Hi @Emotional

Your message really touched me sat with coffee crying to it but also helps to feel not so alone and to have someone understand I can’t believe how similar it is how we lost our mum and jobs etc . I have went back to work as activity coordinator but in no way ready just can’t afford to be off which is horrible when your not ready . Feel like I go in and act all day . I’m so sorry about your mum too and not having your dad too is heartbreaking. I hope you have support around you I really do . It really is unbearable isn’t it it was always my worst fear as mum was everything to me next to my daughter. I guess we just take day at time but just feels getting harder but I know it’s same for a lot of people . U just think they will always be around . But can’t thank you enough for your touching message sending all the love to you too :heart:

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Hi Jen16,

I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for the loss of your mum. I understand some of how you’re feeling as I lost my own mum, who was also my best friend, at the end of March following a very late cancer diagnosis. I lost my dad in January 2021 to Covid.

It is such a terrible shock isn’t it and so very hard to believe that someone you are so close to is no longer there to share your life with.

As Emotional said, there are so many people on this site who can understand your situation and I have personally found it a massive comfort at the worst time of my life. I find it incredible that people who are currently dealing with their own grief and torment are willing to offer support to others on this forum. It has helped me enormously and I am eternally grateful for the kindness I have been shown.

Sending you strength and love :heartpulse:

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Hi @Lucy7
Aww I’m so sorry you have lost your mum and dad truly heartbreaking . It’s so hard I go to pick up the phone and call her I listen to her voicemails she sent me and it’s just constant pain I can’t even think about not seeing her again as when I think far ahead I get panicked so I’m trying to get through a day at time . I find everything hard even cleaning going to work talking small talk mostly as I’ve lost that spark . We had same sense of humour and I miss laughing with her gossiping and I have bad health and she was always there . I’m so very sorry to you I’ve lost people to cancer as it’s awful to watch them go through but I find it truly amazing as you said that people are willing to show compassion when they themselves are struggling but it also helps us all I suppose not feel so alone on our grief . Thanks so much for your message it really does help hearing how other people are coping . :heart:

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Hi Jen16 and Lucy7,

Its so lovely to hear back from you and read your messages. Goodness, we are going through very similar.

Jen16, Im so sorry that you had to go back to work so soon. Its the last thing that you want to do, but Im so glad that you have support. I popped into see my residents on Saturday as my colleages said they are missing me. I miss them, but I used to be the little ray of sunshine for them, and I am struggling to even raise a smile let alone be chatty, and all singing and dancing. That must be so hard and like you said just having to put on a fake persona must be so incredibly difficult. I dont know about you but I feel utterly exhausted emotionally and physically at the moment.

Today we had a meeting with mums Church Deacon and he is conducting her funeral service, he actually knew her too (as mum found comfort going to church when Dad died). So it feels more personal which is nice. We have also ordered flowers today, and booked somewhere for her wake afterwards, so Im relieved thats now done.

I dont know about you both, but I literally feel bombarded with things that need doing. Yesterday I phoned up mums home insurance company as I had read about some policies are invalid when someone dies. I hadnt even thought about things like that, but after a 45 minute phonecall I got it sorted.

Its also things like receiving letters regarding obtaining probate. Contacting utilities companies, cancelling TV licence, cancelling tv entertainment, contacting banks. Honestly Im getting through it, but goodness there has been so much to do and its been so overwhelming. Plus arrange the funeral and just breathe!! I know it sounds crazy, but thats how I feel. My brain feels like its constantly on autopilot and its so draining. Especially when you just want to just sit peacefully and grieve.

I think thats what we need to do is just take each day it comes and just remember to breathe. Its still so recent, painful and I still feel like Im in shock and probably denial.

Lucy7, Im so sorry to read about both of your parents too. Cancer is absolutely horrific, and also struggling with your Dads passing too. I really do sympathise. It really does shake you to your core.

I have also done the same thing with listening to voicemails, you are just trying to hold onto anything. I also downloaded my ring security camera videos as mum came round the week before. Its so lovely hearing her voice and listening us chatting about life and doing just normal. Little did we know the week after she would be rushed to hospital, and we were just grasping on to the few hours that we had left. She was put into a coma so we didnt even get a chance to say goodbye properly, and I think Im really struggling with that.

Its a horrible, horrible situation. I dont know about you but I have also gone into protection mode with my family. I want to know that they are safe when they are out or not near me. I have kicked into protecting mum mode!! Lol I think they understand though, and I try not to be too much of a nuisance for them.

Im so sorry again for both of you (Jen16 and Lucy7).

I am also so surprised that complete strangers can be so compassionate and understanding, but its so lovely and really is a massive help. Im so grateful for your kind messages of support, and we will get through this.

Sending love and hugs.

Xxxxx

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Hi Emotional and Jen16,

It’s so nice to hear from you, I can’t believe we are all going through such turmoil at the same time. Thank you both for your lovely messages, it really does mean a lot to me and is helping me so much.

It’s hard to believe that we’ve found ourselves here, in this position. I have never known pain like this before, I find myself wondering how I’m even carrying going each day. Like you said Jen, even the simplest of tasks seem unachievable at the moment,

I’m glad you’ve got your mum’s funeral arrangements sorted Emotional, that’s another hurdle at least that you’ve now overcome. I enlisted the help of a lovely Methodist minister to conduct my mum’s funeral and it was lovely, I am not religious as such, but my mum was always of the opinion that she would see her mum, dad and younger brother again, so the service was perfect for her. My mum looked after her younger brother, who had Down’s Syndrome, for 18 years after their mum passed away in 1993 and absolutely adored him. She was left devastated by his passing in 2011, which is when she moved in with me. I really hope the service is perfect for you and your mum, I’m sure it will be.

All of the admin that comes with dying couldn’t come at a worse time could it, the last thing we want to do is to have to call endless companies explaining what’s happened. Sometimes, I have found myself getting annoyed with them saying they’re sorry for your loss, then ending the call with “ have a lovely evening”!

I have to admit that I haven’t been able to go back to work yet, I just don’t feel capable at the moment and i sympathise with you Jen that you’ve had to go back so soon, that is a lot to deal with on top of everything else you’re going through.

Sending you both so much love and please don’t hesitate to post any time you want to, I’m always here to listen xx

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Hi @Emotional
I’m
So sorry your having to do all that my brother took over cancelling everything he went into big brother mode as I was barely functioning at that stage . You sound like your doing your mum proud and I’m sure she will get the send off she deserves being personal too is hopefully comforting to you dealing with all that must be so tough though. it’s after the funeral I felt it worst i was stronger during the funeral I felt as felt protective of my daughter and little sister as she only 23 which felt is young losing mum . But hopefully In time we may all feel a little better not forget but hope the pain eases. And yes work really tough to get through don’t know if I can keep up the pretence as just keep breaking down in work on my own . You both seem lovely souls and sending love . @Lucy7 @Emotional keep going all we can do . :heart:

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Hi girl’s, thanks for your messages. Honestly I cant explain what it means to me hearing from you and Im so grateful for your support.

I am having a quiet day today. I was so busy yesterday and was so tired that I slept in until 11am today.

Feeling a bit better today, but just feel sad and just want to sit quietly with my thoughts. I agree its just going to take time, and our feelings will be up and down. Bloody horrible pants situation really.

I hope you both are okay. :heart:

Sending love and hugs, and 100% here if you need me.

Lots of love

Hels, xxxx

Hi Hels and Jen,

Hope you’re both doing ok today, or as well as you can under the circumstances.

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better Hels, that’s really good. I know what you mean about sitting quietly contemplating, I do that quite a lot these days. I still can’t believe I’m in this situation and it’s permanent, as I’m sure you both can’t.

It is so horrible and it would be hard to explain the feeling to anyone that hasn’t been in a similar situation.

I appreciate your support so much too, it means so much that we have each other to lean on.

I’m here any time to listen, I’m not sure how much help I’ll be, but I will certainly try.

Sending lots of love and strength
Lucy xx

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Hi,

Just a quick message to see how you are both doing and to let you know I’m thinking of you. I hope you are as well as you can be under the circumstances

Sending you lots of love x

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Hi Lucy and Jen,

Im okay thankyou. I received Mum’s order of service today, and having a busy day tomorrow with my brother. Still cant believe its Mum’s funeral next Monday. :pensive: Im going to try and read a poem on the day, I did the same for my Dad. Its kind of like the last thing that I can do for her.

How are you both doing? I hope you are okay. Xxxx

Its still so weird isnt it, my friend contacted me last night to tell me her Dads cancer has deteriorated, and he keeps getting infections and is no longer eating and drinking. I feel so sorry for her, as she is crying all the time and just feels helpless. I said try to spend as much time as you can with him and her family, and say everything that you want to say. I also recommended this site too, as I said it is helping me just having support from people who know what your actually going through.

I keep having weird dreams too, I never used to remember my dreams but recently they are so vivid. I suppose its my brain trying to making sense of it all.

Sending hugs to everyone, and try and stay strong. Its so bloody hard, and I know we are all up and down.

Hels xxxx

I’m glad you’ve got your mum’s Order of Service sorted and that is lovely that you are going to read a poem, you are very brave. I wasn’t able to do anything like that at either my mum or dad’s funeral. My brother spoke at our dad’s and he did very well and it was lovely and felt personal. At least once you have had the funeral, that will be another milestone completed and you might start to process things a bit more. I always feel nothing really feels real until after the funeral, but everyone is deferent of course.

I think it’s good to keep busy and spending time with your brother will help as he understands exactly what you’re going through.

I’m not too bad thank you, I am still having days of hysterical crying and also lots of anger etc, but I am somehow managing to get through the days, which is something I never thought I’d be able to do at the beginning. Needless to say, I am missing my mum so very much and it is so difficult trying to go on without her, but here I am. I’m guessing we are all more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

I have had some very strange, vivid dreams also and they vary from still thinking my mum is here to going back to the past when other relatives like my dad, nan and. my mum’s brother were still here. I think, like you said, it is all part of the grief process.

That is sad about your friend’s dad. Your advice is good though and that’s all you can do unfortunately, be a good friend and be there for her. She will probably turn to you a lot as she knows how much you have been through and that you will understand.

It’s lovely to hear from you and I wish you well for Monday, it will be a very difficult day for you no doubt, but also a nice day for you and your family to remember and honour your mum.

Lots of love
Lucy xx

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Hi Lucy, thanks again for your lovely message. I agree I am dreading Monday, but Im going to try and stay strong. It still doesn’t feel real, I really miss her phonecalls and her hugs. She was always happy to see me, and I know I will miss that. It was like a safety net, if anything was wrong you could always have a hug and tell mum my problems. I expect it will probably hit me after her funeral. Its funny I sit there sometimes and just sort of puff my cheeks, exhale and moan when I remember. I still just feel numb.

Like you said I feel sorry for my friend and I know she will need me and lots of support. I remember being emotionally exhausted when Dad was ill, but I still didnt believe that he would die. I suppose you always hope for a miracle, and you just cant comprehend them not being here still. I think thats what my friend is going through. It doesn’t feel real, and your just on autopilot until it actually happens.

I completely understand when you said about hysterically crying some days over mum, and being angry. I have always been a quiet sensitive soul, and being angry takes me by surprise as Im not normally like that. Its scary sometimes and then you feel guilty for being like that, but you just cant help it. Its weird!!

I think we are resilient, I think you have to go through the feelings and not run away from them. I know everyone deals with it differently, and we will have good and bad days. Its strange how you somehow get through these early weeks / months. I have to keep asking people what the day is, I feel so out of the loop with the world at the moment. But I suppose its little steps.

The vivid dreams are strange, its nice to have them but then you get that sinking feeling in your stomach when you wake up and get a jolt back to reality.

I honestly cant say thankyou enough for messaging. I know we are all going through it, and its a long painful journey. But it helps knowing that people are there. We all need to support each other, and you have really helped me and Im so grateful.

Hopefully we will eventually feel some peace, and remember the good times.

We can get through this, and Im here if you need to chat too.

Love and hugs,

Hels
Xxxx

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Hi Hels,

You are welcome and thank you so much for your messages you. I am so happy that we are able to support one another through such sadness. I miss everything about my mum too, hugging her, chatting about nonsense, confiding in her and just generally being with her. I don’t think you ever truly believe the day will come when your parents aren’t in your life, it’s just too scary to even think about.

I agree with what you said about your friend, she isn’t properly accepting the situation as it will be too painful for her right now. I knew my mum was terminally ill for 25 days before she passed and I cared for her at home. During that time, I think I just went into overdrive and was so busy that I didn’t give myself time to think about the inevitability of what what going to happen, I also didn’t want to. Some things are just too difficult to comprehend aren’t they. Your friend is lucky she’s got you though as you will be able to help her so much.

I know your situation was different with your mum as it was very sudden, but you had to live through your dad’s illness so you know what it’s like to have to deal with both of those situations, unfortunately for you.

I’m the same, not usually angry at everyone and everything, but I have been since I lost my mum. I’m sure, I’m time, my anger will subside. It is just a horrible, overwhelming loss to deal with and I guess it’s just our way of coping.

That realisation of what has happened when you wake up from a vivid dream is soul destroying isn’t it. It must be because our mums are constantly on our minds, for obvious reasons. It just shows how much we love them.

We are stronger than we know and we will get through this by taking one day at a time. I’m always here to listen :heartpulse:.

Lots of love
Lucy xx