Losing my mum

I am absolutely heartbroken . I am a 47 year old man and I lost my mum 5 weeks ago today and I feel totally lost / heartbroken and destroyed beyond belief . I was a full time carer for my mum with dementia and she lived with me , I quit my job two years ago to take care of her as the dementia was progressing . My dad passed away 4 years ago and we generally starting to see the progression . The thing is my friends treated me to a weekend away whilst family looked after mum and she passed the one weekend I’d left her in 5 years and can’t help think she would still be here if I hadn’t of left her I hate myself for it
I miss her so much she was my mum my best friend and I love her so much and I hate the fact I can no longer hear or see her it’s tearing me apart . I can’t cope I just want my mum home . I can’t believe I will never see her again I feel so empty and I can’t stop crying loterally all day


Aw @Braddy2905 I really feel for you, I know the pain you are feeling well. My mum passed 2 and a half months ago and she was my everything, my closest family, my support and comfort. I feel so lost and alone without her. I too have cried and cried so much my eyelids swelled until I could barely blink - I didn’t even know they could do that! I too think back to things I could have done differently. I wonder if I’d paid more attention to my mum’s condition, could I have pushed my mum to go to the doctors sooner, and they could have caught her cancer quicker. I think we often blame ourselves and look to things we could have done differently because we are hurting so bad. I doubt you being away that weekend would have made any difference to what happened with your mum. I bet she was happy you were with friends and having a good time! Your grief is very raw right now. It’s awful when you’re so close and you have to fathom going through life without them. I’m still in shock and processing how that can be the case. I miss my mum so desperately. But I doubt your mum would want you to blame yourself. If she was your best friend, she would want you to be okay. It might take a while for you to feel that, I know. Take care x

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@Braddy2905 be kind to yourself, losing a beloved Mum is devastating. You need to give yourself time to process the shock. Don’t blame yourself for not being at home that weekend, you couldn’t have known. It’s natural to feel things might have been different, but you can’t change what happened so why torture yourself… Try to follow a simple daily routine that focuses on self care. Eat, sleep, exercise, nature, because grief is exhausting and you’ll feel worse otherwise. Take care xx

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I appreciate your lovely messages but I just can’t see past her not being here . We did everything together or as much as we could with the dementia but I would take her everywhere with me and I just feel so lost . To never see her or hear her voice again . She was so scared of dying she use to beg me not to let her and I promised her . We had the funeral Wednesday and I haven’t stopped breaking down since . I can’t put into words the love I have for my parents but especially my mum right now and I’m just devastated x


@Braddy2905 yes, I understand and you will feel like this until you process the shock of your loss. My Mum died suddenly and unexpectedly back in January so I’ve had a very tough year of trying to adapt to a different life. Obviously grief is a very personal experience but all we can do is keep going forward. Eventually you’ll be able to find comfort in knowing that your Mum will always be a part of you and you’ll treasure the love and happier times. Take each day as it comes and try not to have expectations of yourself. Best wishes xx

I just can’t get past her being gone it absolutely devastates me every day and she so didn’t deserve it . I love my mum so much and forever will . It hurts me so she was so scared to die and I promised her I would never leave her . The one weekend I have a break from caring for her in two years I lost her and it breaks my heart I failed her . Do you think she knows I let her down , I would hate for her to be angry at me . I want her to know how much I miss and love her . I’ve got to believe I will see her again some day
I pray she’s back with my late father x

Hi @Braddy2905 I know how you feel. My mum was so scared to die and wanted so desperately to live. It’s so hard to live without her. She should still be here with me. It’s so unfair. I also want my mum to know desperately how much I love and miss her and how much I didn’t want her to go - I’m sure she did know this, but it’s different now she’s gone, I want her to come back to let me know she’s OK. If only we could know this, I’m sure we would feel so much better. I’m desperate to see her again one day. I doubt your mum feels you let her down, it sounds like you spent so much of your life with her and all your weekends for years. You couldn’t have known she would pass away the one weekend you went away. You couldn’t have known that. Don’t blame yourself x


I know exactly how your feeling I lost my mum October 22nd and I miss her so much, she was my best friend, my support she was allways there when I needed her and vice versa me and my 2 girls miss her so so much life will never be the same I’ve cried every day since I just want her to hug me and tell me I’ll be ok I just want to phone her and talk to her my daughter’s want to tell her what they have done at school, but we can’t I’d like to say what everyone says to me it will get easier but it doesn’t I’ve tried to hide how I’m feeling but I can’t, the day she left us I just wanted to go with her, but that would of left my girls in the same position as me without their mum and I didn’t want them feeling like I do that my world has ended :broken_heart:


Awww I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through the exact same experience as myself and it really is heartbreaking to hear . My mum also passed away on the 22nd October and we had the funeral last week : I just can’t think of nothing all day but of how she didn’t deserve it and she wasn’t ready yet . I’ve cried constantly every day since she passed away I just don’t see any other way . I know from losing my dad it does get easier but this is different she’s my beautiful mum . I can’t believe she’s gone for good . I am so so for you and your girls . It’s all so sad and heartbreaking it really is xx

Yeah I lost my biological dad when I was 17, but I’m lucky I had a step dad who was in my life since I was 9 years old, but yeah as you say it’s not the same as losing a mum, it’s like a part of me died when we got her terminal diagnosis even though she had been battling cancer for 26 years she had the all clear, then she was told end of July it was back in her hip bone and it was aggressive her prognosis was 6-12 months but it wasn’t to be, still can’t believe she’s gone it was a shock getting the diagnosis but then for her to actually go I just can’t get my head around it.

Hi Braddy,

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve very recently lost my Mum (hence what brought me to this forum) and lost my Dad many years ago so, although the orphan club is one I never wished to be a part of, sadly, like you, I find myself here regardless.

I can completely empathise with you over the feelings of guilt due to you not being there when your Mum passed… its always something that we’ll beat ourselves up over because if we could change it we would.

But I’d like to pass on some advice that may help you and may not, but I can only say after years of beating myself up, this genuinely was the only thing to help me turn a corner and deal with my grief…

When my Dad died, the guilt of me not being with him nearly killed me, and that is not an exaggeration. I could not lift my head off the pillow each day… it was the 1st thing in my head and the last thing in my head every day. I wouldnt wish it on someone I hated.
I eventually chose to lock it in a box because I just couldnt handle the feelings anymore and for many years it stayed that way.
But truthfully in life, i believe that everything happens for a reason. I really do believe we experience what we experience for a reason, even the bad stuff. And it occurred to me, I cant believe that about my whole life, but choose not to believe it about my Dads passing. That doesnt make sense.
So although I’d change it still if I could, ive realised that it happened how it was meant to. If I was supposed to be there, I would have been. Maybe I wasnt there because I couldnt handle it. Maybe I wasnt there because it would have haunted me. Or maybe I wasnt there because in some way it would have haunted my dad somehow and made his passing less peaceful… we’ll never know. But I have faith that it happened how it was supposed to, even if I dont like it.
And maybe the same with your Mum… maybe its no coincidence that her passing happened the one weekend you were away, maybe in the end thats how she wanted it.

Im so sorry for your pain, I really am. I send you love and solidarity and a sincere hope youll find some peace. Your Mum was so lucky to be so loved and cherished by you.

I can actually relate to the not being there part, it probably was the way she wanted it, it’s really weird actually I have an older brother and sister and the day before on the Saturday we had all gone in seperately and sat with her my mum hadn’t really spoken for a week just odd words, she manage to shout at my dad which I know it’s so awfull but he looks back to that day and she was saying goodbye to him, she asked my brother to hold her hand which she had never done as everytime he visited in the hospital she was asleep, so she was saying goodbye, my sister hasn’t said anything about her visit my 2 girls had last seen her on the Thurs and had given her a hug it was my youngest daughter birthday and I was the last person to visit her that Saturday night I stayed till 8 I held her hand told her how much I loved her how much she meant to me that I’d look after my dad my girls I promised we’d be ok and she squeezed my hand and never let go last words I said to her was I love you mum, next day I was meant to go early but wasn’t feeling well my sister was having a day off, told my dad to have a break, my sister got a call about 2.30 could we come the hospital my brother was in hospital cafe on his way up he didn’t know about the phonecall, then my sister rang again to say she’d gone, i think my mum knew, she didn’t want any of us there, nurses had no warning, she’d gone peacefully but all alone.


The similarities are uncanny . When my father passed away 5 years ago it was very much the same . He had been in and out of hospital with heart problems / strokes etc for a long time and we finally got the call to go down and he wouldn’t see the night through . All heartbroken sat around his bed but like the fighter he was he carried on another 3 days giving his all false hope but then we finally lost him the only 2 moments he had been on his own that day . Heartbroken but I had my mum to fall back on then and she had me
Now she as gone I just feel so empty I just can’t think of anything else because it breaks my heart how scared she was of dying and leaving us , plus the fact it happened the time I left her I can never forgive myself
The love we had for one another was something special even more so during my care for her during the last few years with dementia . I’m sobbing now knowing I will never see or hear her voice again I feel so empty
I just hope and prey as everyone tells me she is pain free now and back with the love of her life my dad
I’ve got to believe I will see them again some day
I am deeply sorry for your loss and it’s heartbreaking knowing what your going through xx


Aw Braddy, I’m just so sorry. I really am. The pain feels insurmountable at times.

I know how easy it is to focus on things they said, like you saying about your Mum being afraid and not wanting to pass without you. I completely understand. When my Dad died, I was on holiday. A holiday my Dad insisted I go on, and when I got the call to come home, I was back in the country around 10hrs later… I couldnt have gotten home any sooner, I knew that, but I was still too late… and the guilt from that nearly killed me. I could not forgive myself, despite the fact I knew there was nothing else I could have done. I wanted to be there and I wasnt. End of. Especially as, like you, my Dad had been given a diagnosis and prognosis weeks before and he was upset because he knew if that estimation was correct then I’d be on holiday, and he was upset (one of the only times in his illness I saw him upset) because he knew I’d be on holiday and he didnt want that. I remember saying it wasnt an issue and I just wouldnt go. No question. But then Dad had additional treatments and they said he had months and months, so he insisted I went on holiday with friends as planned, the hospital cleared it and so I went.
Little did I know, he was dying while I was away. I flew home as soon as I could, and I was still too late.
I couldnt get over it.
But now I need to believe it happened for a reason.

My Mum passed a few weeks ago, her funeral was on Friday. And the guilt for that has still to hit me but I know it will come…

But as hard as it is, please try to give yourself a break. Your parents and expecially your Mum wouldnt want this for you. She wouldnt want you to carry this guilt for you. Maybe by passing when you werent there, she was trying to save you the pain. Try to focus on that and be kind to yourself. I know its hard. You have my love. Its such a horrible time
But as years have gone,

Awww I’m really sorry to to hear you have lost both parents also . It truely is horrendous isn’t it . That must have been hard for you being away when getting that call , I was travelling back from Blackpool on the Sunday when I got a call about my mum I just broke down in the car amongst my mates and they knew but you can’t get back any faster that’s the hardest bit isn’t it
So your mums funeral was Friday ? My mums was last Wednesday. It all seems so unreal I can’t believe it like it’s a sick joke or dream
I miss my dad to bits but I’ve grieved for him and I’ve come to learn he’s in a better place . But I don’t want my mum in a better place as selfish as that is I want her here and I firmly believe she wasn’t ready . I cry literally all day and don’t feel ready to return to work yet
I know my mum’s dementia was progressing fast and she would have got worse and would have hated it but I still want her here with me , but people tell me she’s pain free now back with my dad and if that’s the case it’s my only
Consolation because they loved and missed each other so much I believe
It’s just so hard to be anything but heartbroken and upset right now xx

Hi @Braddy2905 and others in this thread. I lost my Dad last week, and my Mum 3 years ago. You said in one of your messages that your Mum didn’t deserve it and wasn’t ready. That’s exactly how I felt after my Mum passed away (terminal cancer), and again with Dad (heart attack). That sick feeling that they didn’t deserve it is eating me up. That they both still had so much to live for and should have had so many more years. I think in many ways I’m finding that harder to process than just missing them.

I also feel guilty for thinking of Mum now, and of grieving differently for both of them - obsessing over whether it’s more/less and losing them in different ways. There’s a lot of guilt in that too. We had 9months after Mum’s diagnosis to say goodbye, whereas my Dad died very suddenly, at his home overseas, having been apparently well up until the day he died.

I wish I had the consolation of them being back together, but they had been divorced 20 years, leaving us with just the step-parents now. Who I get on well with, but it’s a strange and often uncomfortable dynamic after your parent goes.

Sorry this isn’t a more supportive post! Your message just really resonated with me. I’m so sorry for your loss.