Losing my mum.

I lost my mum due to cancer in May 2019. I was 16 years old when she passed away. She was wrongfully diagnosed with constipation by our local doctors and hospitals and they never listened to her worries until in September 2018, we decided to try a different hospital in a different town and was diagnosed within 4 hours. We had gone almost a whole year of misdiagnosis until something was done, she started losing weight and had to have a permanent stoma. I was so young and stupid, I took it for granted towards the end. I became selfish because I was her sole carer, I had to give up my hobbies and interests. At the time I didn’t understand why but I wish I could have been more grateful for it all. I was too young and selfish. On her last day, she couldn’t feel her legs but I didn’t think it was anything serious so I withheld from calling the ambulance. That is my biggest regret, I should have cared more.

But fast forward to now, that regret still lingers time to time. Ripping myself apart for not trying harder, for not being a better daughter. I miss her so much, and sometimes even after 4 years later I still can’t fathom that she’s actually gone. My life would have been so much more fulfilling and complete if she was still here. Holidays are the most difficult times. As I get older, I see her in me. In the little things I do that she did. I’m thankful for the only true thing that I have left to remind me of her, and it’s my dog (Bella). My mum brought her for me when I was 10 years old and even with the challenges I face whilst keeping a dog, I will refuse to part with her and try my best to make her the happiest little dog ever.

My mind has blocked a lot of the memories and it’s getting worse everyday. I am on medication for my depression because I have completely lost my sense of self worth since losing my mum.

And I know people say that you should move on and I mostly have, except for once or twice a month, I get the overwhelming sadness and it’s like starting the cycle of grief all over again.

I know my story is a bit morbid and depressing but I have struggled with grief. It’s taken a toll on my life.


linara, i’m sorry for your loss and 4 years is a long time to be so hard on yourself. i hope you can find some peace in your heart knowing this is how many of us feel. all of us here have thorns in our hearts full of regrets and missed opportunities in caring for our mums and dads. you’re not alone.

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@Linara sorry for your loss. I think if you speak to anyone we all have regrets but cherish the time that you did have with her. You were only 16 that’s a lot for someone that age to deal with. I am older and have regrets but I know my wee mum wouldn’t want me to be like that. She was always there for me and my son and for that I will always be greatful. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

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