Hi everyone, grateful to have this community
Apologies for the extremely long post; I really needed to get it all out. If you do read through, give yourself a pat on the back
My nan died on Friday, 4 September 2026, in her bed, at home
At 94 years old, with T2 diabetes and a heart condition, rationally speaking, this wasn’t unexpected. However she was doing very well cognitively (asking about AI, discussing politics and playing chess) and we did not see this coming. My mum told me she (my nan) had developed depressive symptoms for a month or so and that my nan seemed ‘ready to go’ in a matter-of-fact way.
I want to do justice to who my nan was, or at least who she was to me. My nan was a fighter and she was self-aware (few people are, I’d say). She had a great sense of humour, wit, aesthetic and was truly young at heart. My nan was very open-minded; my mum told me recently that she read the Quran just because. She wanted to be cremated but wanted the priest to say a few words first. As a young widow, she’d travelled to Russia, Egypt, Poland with her friends. She had great taste in interior design, fashion and was into Baroque music as well as 20th century music (like I said, demanding customer). When I’d play her the piano she’d often give feedback like ‘how about a faster one now?’ or ‘something lighter maybe?’, which amused me greatly. She was also very good with practical things (unlike me), so she’d often tease me, and rightly so!
I was always candid with her, I didn’t mince my words or let her off the hook ‘because she’s old’. I treated her as a person and a person I loved and respected; we had a ‘real’ relationship and I’ll always treasure that. She was the person I’d ring if I couldn’t sleep at any hour of the night, talk to her about what’s troubling me, or ask call her about silly things like whether I should buy a specific dress or send her funny photos of my feet which she loved (this was an inside joke). We’d watch films or series (she liked Shrek so that was good fun) and she’d always fall asleep sooner or later. I’d pause, wake her up and test her, asking what had just happened. She was a great sport, trying to convince me she was in fact awake and had been keeping up with the plot. We’d often have classical music on in the background while playing cards or chess (she claims to have taught me maths through teaching me cards!) and we’d usually end up chatting and forgetting about the cards. My nan has a friend from childhood who had developed a crush and would ring her at least 3 times a day (no exaggeration) so I teased her, saying she’s clearly put a spell on him! Her sister (passed away a few years ago) would ring her at 10am sharp no matter what, so without checking the number, I knew who it was and this was very entertaining to all three of us.
When I flew back after she died, I stayed in her flat for a number of nights. I wasn’t sure if this would actually help or turn into rumination and be counter-productive. I remember walking into her flat, seeing her glasses next to her bed without her and that really got me. Her ‘throne’ was empty, her two walking sticks next to the door. My nan had told me how close she was to her own nan, whom she lost when she was only 7 years old and said she wished she was gone too. It’s bittersweet to know we were equally close. Some days I wish I was gone too but I know she’d want me to plough on. I wasn’t sleeping much and sometimes woke up wishing it wasn’t true. I constantly think to call her and on one occasion heard her ringtone which felt really weird.
I found a birthday card I’d written to her at age 6 or so saying ‘you have to come stay here forever. You have to tell me how old you are, I promise, I’ll keep it a secret!’. I found this card in a drawer next to her ‘throne’ as I called it. As I started going through her things- cards, photos, clothes, I told my mum I felt I was infringing on her privacy.
My mum has been her 24/7 carer for the better part of the last decade, with little to no support from other family members. My nan used to be very independent, managing a huge house while my mum, auntie and grandpa were around and after he died and they had moved out. This transition and admission that she in fact needed help took many years and a toll on my mum. My nan had live-in carers (begrudgingly) for many years so my mum managed those, my nan’s medication, ensured she had groceries, provided remote tech support, ensured everything was working in her flat etc. My mum has developed her own mobility issues but never complained. The patience and understanding she has shown with my nan is truly admirable. Those despicable individuals I mention live 3 and 5 minutes walking distance from my nan’s flat and didn’t lift a finger. During multiple health emergencies (hypoglycemia, having fallen down etc.) they were at best unavailable or even unresponsive. They did however jump when it came to attending her cremation (a 1-hour drive from the city) and seeing what they can get now she’s gone.
In July, I was with her every day for 10 days when she was in hospital. I never felt it was out of obligation; it’s where I wanted and needed to be. She was in a room with 2 other ladies (mind you this is meant to a private hospital). I did my best to keep things light- in agreement with my mum, I’d bring her what I call ‘naughty snacks’ which she’d inhale promptly. She’d ask me what goodies I had with me today and we’d giggle. I was unhappy with a particular nurse in how she was speaking to/addressing my nan on multiple occasions so I called her out on it eventually, to everyone’s entertainment. She called me her lawyer in the sense that I was always in her corner and if I felt she was in any way wronged, I’d bite that person’s head off. I know she’d do the same for me.
My nan had unilaterally decided what channel we’d watch on the telly (classic) so I reminded the other 2 ladies that we do in fact live in a democracy, asking what they’d like to watch. My nan played along and informed us all that she in fact calls the shots and we bloody well better get used to it! After finishing her (rather long and painful) cardiac triplex (which she never complained about), the nurse was about to put her on a wheelchair when I pointed out ‘she’s still plugged in; this isn’t the Matrix!’ which was met with much laughter.
Her doctors were considering amputating her leg as she had a septic foot. I remember calling her before flying in, asking her if she was considering the amputation. I told my mum that either way, the decision must be my nan’s, even though my mum would pick up the pieces of course. I couldn’t hide my emotions and she was, as always, stoic and kept things light. We decided she would undergo a local anaesthetic only (lower risk), in order to restore blood flow to her foot. The surgery was largely successful. Once discharged, she fell 3 times (see ref to despicable individuals above), probably because of additional medication making her mobility impaired and was admitted into another hospital after the 2nd fall.
I feel very guilty that since I flew back at end July, I wasn’t in touch with her as much as I wanted to/should have as I had my own issues to deal with (T1 diagnosis on Christmas eve etc.). With the benefit of hindsight, I would’ve been on the phone to her every single day. I try to appease myself that I was there when she needed me and she knew she could rely on me, and of course my mum. I was with her in April for two weeks as well (due to my own stuff going on) and am very glad I did that. Her birthday is/was on 17 December and my mum had asked me to photograph the cake/candles etc. I did but I remember thinking it was somehow over-kill; that she’d live forever as I’d tell her. I have voice messages we’d sent family that I listen back to
My mum did mention the depressive symptoms so when my nan butt dialled me (a frequent occurrence; her record was 7 times consecutively) I did try to gauge how she’s doing and could tell something was indeed off. I have countless Teams messages (yes, even at age 94) spanning 7 years or so from her (included granular grocery lists intended for my mum- gold). My nan had accidentally butt dialled her cousin in New Jersey at 5am and blocked myself and my mum multiple times on WhatsApp (hence my tech support ‘hat’ whenever I was with her)
I’m not sure what the upshot is; I lost my auntie (my mum’s sister) in 2017 and that took me a long time to ‘get over’. My auntie died very young from cancer, again unexpected in different ways, piled with family dysfunction and silly expectations of what grief should look like. But I feel I don’t want to ‘get over’ my nan’s death now. Since I got back last Wednesday I’m back to a routine of sorts, working and am going through the motions as it were. I worry people will forget about her and I simply won’t have that. I worry I will forget her and I don’t care how much it hurts or may continue to hurt but I don’t want to ‘move on’, whatever that means.
