I lost my wonderful, funny. talented husband 15 months ago. I am so grateful for the years we had together but the pain we experience of losing our life partners is like no other loss. I read on this forum some while ago someone likened it to an amputation without the blood. The initial pain is so intense it is hard to describe - the ongoing pain 15 months on has subsided to a dull ache - until those moments that knock us sideways again and the tears come - for what reason -who knows, I certainly don’t ? For those on the beginning of the journey - there are good days - not the same - and will never be the same but a kind of ‘well I have to get on with it’ . And I shuffle around and find something to focus on.
To compare the loss of your partner/husband/wife to losing a parent - forgive me it really is not the same. For when we lose our partners we also lose our future - the plans and dreams are gone so not only has our one true love been taken from us - but so has our future. And the future seems bleak without the person who loved us passionately and completely.
Of course I sympathise on the loss of parent (I have been there and it hurts - it hurts a lot) and I would not nor could not comment on the loss of a child. Like any mother I would do anything to protect my children - albeit they are grown up. My children are precious - and I know they were devastated at the loss of their dad at such a young age. Yes we expect to lose our parents -it is the circle of life but when the parent is still young it is very hard. But we never really give a thought to losing our husbands.
I could never have imagined how I would and do feel at the loss of the person who was literally the other half of me. Maybe I was lucky - but we fell in love almost instantly - we knew we were meant to be together - nothing else mattered. Parental objection, circumstance - nothing we just wanted to spend every minute with each other… Our early years full of passion and fun laid the foundation eventually of family life and then the comfort of someone who could finish my sentences, knew everything about me, cared and loved me and still saw me as the young me. I look at myself in the mirror and I fear growing old without him. I see the lines and look at myself and see me as someone heading into old age alone. Yes I have my wonderful children - they are there for me whenever I need them - and sometimes when I don’t - but they cannot see how alone I am - they grieve their father but they have no comprehension of my hurt, my fears and the realisation that I will never be loved like he loved me. That I will never ever love anyone as I love him. I use the present tense rather than the past tense - for I do still love him. It is still our house, our children and I still use we rather than I. I still buy him birthday cards and tuck them into the journal I write to him. I sometimes cannot believe how lucky I was to have found him - but how unlucky I was to lose him far too soon.
I has wonderful caring parents who had a good marriage. I was always a daddy’s girl and it took me a long time to get over losing my dad. My mum lived on without him for another twenty years - but only now do I begin to understand how she felt. I realise I had no comprehension of how she was feeling and wish I could tell her. Mind you she told me that Gary and I would never last …. Sorry mum - you got that one wrong. I miss my parents - of course I do - my first thought when Gary died was I wanted my mum. But it is nothing like the everyday feeling that something is missing from my life - and of course it is Gary my forever love who is missing. I am not the person I was - but I will be OK I will live for both of us and make him proud. I will find something useful to do, to try and help others and of course still be mum and there for our two children. We have to - don’t we ?
Hear, hear Trisha. Your post was beautifully written and I can only ditto everything you have said. The pain is so bad sometimes that it becomes hard to breathe. I have just got in from work but on the way home, in the car, my body shook with sobs for my man. I’d had a great day at work so nothing in particular set me off, but as happens so often we become engulfed by that grief wave. I’m ok again now, it was over as suddenly as it started. Thank you for your post. Sadly, you speak the truth from experience, knowledge and understanding. I hear you.
So true , Dear Trisha,
To carry on without our other half , is now a dull ache at times unbearable ! We have lost the future we planned.
This new journey is so hard , but we will do the best we can and try our best for our young families as our husbands would want us to .
Take care Ang. X
Trisha what a meaningful post which is meant for all of us on here. I lost my lovely Ron 4 years ago and I love him more now than ever which I didn’t think was possible. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. We were married over 50 years which I am eternally grateful but of course we always want more don’t we. We always used to say when one of goes first we will still be married to each other and always will be. Love and hugs to you. Xxx Carol xxxx
Trisha, your words are right on. Especially where you note the feel of loss of the future that is uniquely connected with the loss of a partner. I hope you feel some comfort from your pain and sadness in the days to come. Sooner than later. But no matter how long it takes.
all so very true Trisha, it is 2 years and 3 months today since I lost Alan, yet i still let the tears roll, not all the time and not always every day now, little things trigger them, huge boulders do too, and I let them fall, for each tear drop holds a memory of my beautiful loving husband, the life and love we had, some tear drops hold the anguish of memories that were waiting to be fulfilled, now cast to the wind of ‘might have beens’, the emotions in my heart on losing my grandparents (who I was very close to) then losing my father almost 14 years ago pales into insignificance when compared to losing Alan. the grief of losing your husband/wife/partner is different. I have lost many family members including a baby sister also a very dear friend too yet none of these losses whilst in their own right create a different grief, none can compare to that of losing a life partner.
as you say Trisha, when we lost our husbands, your Gary and my Alan, we lost our future, our retirement plans, the twilight years together, all destroyed in the blink of an eye.
hope today has been an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
I’ve written many times about my life before and after losing my beautiful man in March 2018, I’ll like to add a few words now. It’s true, unless you have lost your soul mate you cannot start to understand our journey. Sometimes we resist explaining just how different it is but you have all explained it so movingly and I would like to thank you I have become disillusioned with the site, but hopefully the steps I have taken today will enable me to engage with people who truly understand.
@TrishaF How true. I look at myself now and see an old woman with red eyes from crying and such a sad expression. John was exactly the same he made me feel young and beautiful. I was always telling him how handsome he was. We see them through the eyes of true love and they are perfect. I am also finding it very difficult to get through each day but it’s only 10 weeks for me. My father, mother, step son and my baby grandson have all died in recent years but the grief from losing John is on a scale 1000 + more. Someone here often tries to equate the loss of a parent with the loss of our partner/husband/wife. Until you have lost your other half, your soul mate, your love and your reason for living other people can never understand. Take care xx
So much to agree with here. Other half, soulmate, bets friend, reason to be… all accurate descriptions but somehow none adequately describes what we’ve lost. Losing June 10 weeks ago changed me. The person who made me, me, has gone. I’m not a better person, probably not worse, just different, and in my head I don’t want to be, in my heart, I’m not sue I care. I used to be interested in things and people, not any more - the virus, A level results, don’t care, not interested.
Trisha love, I am in tears after reading what you have written. But I forgive you. I can so relate to all you have said. Even to having no comprehension at my mothers pain when she lost my father at a young age and also the loss of my grandfather when still comparatively young also I had absolutely no idea what my mother and grandmother was going through and it was never my families way to show emotion. Is that an excuse, I don’t think so now. I keep telling them how sorry I am and wish they was here to hear me. Now I know for myself.
No one can see how alone we are, I do agree with you. Now I hope that if I am needed I will have more compassion and be of use to someone that is hurting. The loss we are living with is terrible but we can now use our experience to help others.
Love
pat xxx
Dear Trisha, every word you’ve written is so true. I lost my darling Tony at New Year. Life will never be the same . As you said , it’s like losing half of yourself. The loss And pain is devastating. . Losing any close family member or friend is very hard but I feel it can’t compare to losing your soul mate. Life continues after the loss, but losing your partner changes They life We knew for us, I too fear growing old without My darling by my side. I long for him , long for his loving touch, his voice , his laugh… everything about him. Sadly for me , I had to face this terrible loss twice. My first husband 21 years ago and now Tony , who came into my life , when I least expected it and dried my tears. Now they flow once more. But I know how lucky I am to have married two wonderful men who loved me and I loved them . Some people never find that. But oh how I wish it had never happened . I have wonderful daughters, friends and grandchildren and I’m grateful , but what I’d give to have him back … thinking of you Trisha and all who are enduring this pain and emptiness. It will get easier, never leave but just a bit easier. Love to all x Christina
Thank you all so much for your kind and lovely responses to my post . I knew I was not alone in these feelings . Please forgive my short response but I am with my daughter in our holiday home - first visit since lockdown. This is only the fourth time I have visited and was not sure if I could come here without him . But he loved this place so much I cannot let it go . Of course there are tears - for I can see him everywhere and it hurts . Looking out the kitchen window over Dartmoor last night there was a hint of a sunset and I thought of the times he stood behind me with his arms round me as we used to marvel at the beauty of so many different sunsets - each one unique . It was our magic place and still is - it just breaks my heart that I stand on my own there now . Thank you again for each response xx
Hi Trisha
Enjoy your time at your holiday home and you are doing the right thing in going there and reliving the happy times you shared. I can’t go on holiday again, just not possible but I do remember going to our allotments which Brian so loved, for the first times. I don’t think there was a day that I didn’t cry because he wasn’t there with me but very gradually I am finding happiness at being able to share our time once more, because he is with me, watching over me.
Pat xxx
Hi
That was a nicely written piece and all you have said touched me ,i feel the same ref my Eileen who has gone relatively recently ,the bit about losing your future hits home as I was always careful with spending bearing in mind we had my retirement in 8 years or so ,I see what an error that may have been though we still lived well and didn’t really want for anything without being extravagant.
I hope so much that things will get easier ,I have no intention of forgetting I just hope I can cope better and be able to smile ,
Lots of love to all
Steve
I’m glad to read your words Trisha. I’ve had just such a day, one of many, 19 months on, when I’ve just had to give in to it, the loss, the loneliness, just plain missing my lovely John. It does really help reading your and others’ words so thankyou.
