John and I were packed to go to the Alps on a cycling tour. On the Saturday we did a big ride came home and had Pizza followed by strawberries and ice cream. We went to bed on a high and excited about our trip. In the morning John was dead. He had a heart attack in his sleep. I was with John for 5 years we were so in love. We connected due to the fact we had both lost brothers at a young age due to a road accident.
My brother Stevie who was 32 years old was run over by a taxi in 2014, 2 years later my mother died and 4 years later my dad had a massive heart attack whilst out on his bike.
I know how grief feels but each time it is different. Before my grief was shared by my 3 brothers but losing John feels so lonely. I am so tired and exhausted knowing the path that is coming. Knowing I have to get on with my life and be on my own. I have not had help before and now know that I must get any help I can as I really cannot do this on my own.
I am lucky to have three sons but am aware they have suffered a lot of grief so I do not want to burden them too much. I am also lucky I have good friends.
I have read some of the messages on here and my heart feels for you. It is truly devastating.
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Oh I am so very sorry to read that you have been through so much, losing John so suddenly must feel like the final straw. All the other losses would have been so hard to bear but losing a husband is something that affects you every minute of every day in truly physical way as well as an emotional one. I always feel that friends and family don’t really understand how I am grieving in two ways. Sometimes sorry for myself because I am coping alone. Eating a meal, running a home, making every day decisions about finances etc, and on another level missing Steve, the person I married, relied on, who always had my back, shared my silly sayings, never lowered the toilet seat, and let me put my cold feet on him. I miss his very essence and no-one else’s company will replace that.
You have been brave enough to share your feelings on here. I would advise you to be honest with your good friends and allow them to help and support you in any way they can. Your sons may be thinking that they cannot burden you with their grief, just as you are trying to protect them from yours. If this is the case you are all missing the chance of sharing and helping each other through what is one of the most challenging of times. Please don’t let this awful situation be a wedge between you. I do hope you find a way through together.
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Thank you Lilly. I am so sorry to hear about Steve. It is difficult for friends and family to understand as it was a relationship only you and Steve shared. It adds a different dimension onto grief. I feel like you that I am grieving for my future I should be having with John and having to make decisions on my own. I miss his physical presence so much and it really hurts. My friends are helping and I am talking but the nights are lonely and thinking about my future is just too much. My son is coming back from university tomorrow and he is a ray of sunlight so that will help.
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