Losing my partner

May 23 was the day my husband of 22 years passed. He was 68 and suffered with heart failure the last four years. We went thru hell and back but he kept fighting and proving the doctors wrong until the end.The worst part is I was a widow when I met him as I had lost my first husband when I was 38. I have turned our bedroom around and also the living room. It’s either that or moving but I will not leave our home and instead learn to live with his absence. At the time, I am isolating to protect myself from the well intentioned comments that end up adding a new layer of grief. I have traveled this road before and being forced to grieve again makes me want to run away…but I have no choice but to go through it. At times I rebel and feel as if life, the universe, have made a mockery of my marriages by ending both in death. But like a woman who is in labor, nobody else can do this work but me. I honor his life every day by waking up and getting one foot in front of the other. He was bigger than life and the absence is overwhelming but it is my new reality.


Hi Viajera,
Like you, this is the second time I have been widowed. My first husband and father of my children died 20 years ago, I was 48. I was lucky and met and eventually married again, he was also widowed. He died 5 weeks ago. Both had cardiac arrests. I feel as if I am being punished over and over again. I also have a daughter who has special needs and just doesn’t understand. We were both so grateful and happy to find each other that we didn’t need anyone else. Consequently I find myself pretty much alone. My son has been a great help, looking after his sister sometimes to give me a break and enable me to catch up on sleep. I can’t keep leaning on him though, it’s not fair. He has his own life.
I am actually finding it more difficult this time, maybe because I am twenty years older and my daughter’s needs have increased.

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Oh, Willow 112, why do we have to lose our love twice- yet some don’t even find love in their entire lifetime? My heart hugs you and reaches out with deep sympathy. What I am doing now is getting help which I didn’t do the first time. And yes, I also feel that now that I’m older it’s even worst. I start bereavement counseling next week because I need help navigating this terrible loss and I don’t have as many years ahead of me as when I was 38. We both have the right to embrace our grief and keep loving our lost husbands while we reject platitudes and well meaning words that are of no use to our reality. I am being selfish this second time and I think I’ve earned it. Be true to your feelings and do what you know is right for you at this time. I hope we can help each other through this forum. I did find it today as I desperately searched for an outlet to express my pain besides writing in my journal.

I guess you and me were very lucky in a way, to have found love with two wonderful men. But it feels like torture to have that love taken away again. A bit like teasing a hungry puppy.
I have been thinking about counselling. I didn’t have any the first time because it was never offered or suggested. Jeremy, my husband, said he had counselling through the hospice where his first wife died and he found it helpful. Someone here said that they were told that you have to wait 2 months, so I have been waiting before I ask about it.
In the meantime I read this site and instead of a journal I write to Jeremy daily. I still ‘talk’ to my first husband. I kind of like to think that he sent Jeremy to me. Sounds bonkers, doesn’t it?
Onwards and upwards, my friend.

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Oh my… not bonkers at all. If anyone can believe it , my second husband shared the same birthday - day and month- of my first one. When I found out I flipped. Had to hold on to a door frame when he told me let’s do something for my birthday. We had met just two weeks before. I demanded that he showed me his driver’s license.Then I thought, this is a sign. How is that even possible?? And then they both died and left me a widow. I declined hospice counseling due to only being a group setting. Got mine via health insurance . It will start on the sixth week after his passing. Take care and stay in touch.

I like your analogy, it’s like being in labour but you can’t stop it, even though the pain is so bad you get through it giving birth, but I don’t think you ever get through the grief completely. How can you go on feeling so sad.

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You are so right. The waves keep coming while everyone you know goes on with their life. And we have the pieces that are left of our married life and a vast emptiness.

Yes you do feel lost and empty I don’t have any motivation, the dog doesn’t get many walks, my husband used to take her every morning. She does still miss him sometimes first thing in the morning she pushes the lounge door open looking for him. I can’t wait for the darker nights to draw the curtains and hibernate away from everything. I know I need to try harder but it’s so difficult to be positive.