Losing my sister

Hello , my name is Amber , I am 31 years old and just this past Wednesday I lost my best friend , my partner in crime , my other half , my big sister Megan . She was only 32 years old , she passed away from an overdose, she was living in a half way house ( a recovery home with other recovering female addicts , after she came home from rehab ) she had been living there over a year already . Part of what makes this so difficult for me is that I too am a recovering addict , u see I use to use with my sister , we shared everything including our addiction . We started abusing drinking when we were 18 & 19 years old , then we moved to other things , pills lead to harder things and eventually we become full blown heroin addicts , I’m saying all this in grave detail because I think it’s important to understand where I’m coming from here in my feelings , we got clean 3 different times together , ultimately we both ended up using again , this 3rd time , the last time we got clean was supposed to be feb 12 2020 , that is our clean date , well now that is my clean date . I have remained clean since then and I will do everything I can to continue to stay that way , I knew my sister had “ slipped up “ since then , she told me , however I did not know she was currently in the struggle again , u see when we got clean in February even though we were doing it together , our sobriety and how we had to get there was different . I have two young children at home , I can not just pack up and leave and go to rehab and go to a half way house , unfortunately that’s just not an option , but I was determined , so with my own determination , the help of a MAT ( medication assisted treatment ) clinic , and a personal therapist and the support of family and friends ( mostly her ) I was able to do it , her sobriety was different , she decided to go to rehab again and then move into a sober living house after ( I was proud of her and happy she had this option ) but once she got into the sober living house after only 3 months of rehab things started to go down hill again for her , I begged her to try MAT , she wanted to but she wasn’t working , didn’t have health insurance , and couldn’t afford it on her own ( I too couldn’t afford it , I am only able to be on it with the assistance of health insurance ) , so I knew she was struggling here and there but she told me the sober living house did random drug tests and had rules u had to obey or u would get asked to leave and she knew she would have no where to go if that happened and I was hoping that would help keep her on the right track this next part I’m going to tell u is part of what I struggle with daily now that she is gone , during this time when I was fighting for my own recovery I knew for me and my journey in recovery if I wanted to be successful I needed to change my people , places and things that I did and had when using , so I did , I moved , I stopped talking to everyone I used with , I changed my life , I had to , I did still speak
To my sister of coarse via text and Facebook, but I didn’t see her in person , I didn’t hang out with her and she knew why , she also didn’t want to be around me or my children when she was still using because she wanted me to remain sober , she was so proud of me , I told her I was proud of her too , while she was using “ here and there “ she is old me it wasn’t full blown addiction and she did have some months there that she was clean , these last what I believed to be 3 months of her life she said she was clean and I believed her ( she was always honest with me about her using and about eve ey thing there was no reason not to be ) she had just found a new girl friend she was super happy with snd started a relationship with her , she got her license and car back , she found a new job and was going to start MAT , things were looking up , she was truly happy for the first time in a long time and she looked great ( from the pictures I saw of her ) she gained some weight back , she was exercising and taking care of her body . I told her often how proud I was of her and how I could see the change in her ! We were making plans to see each other soon ( it had been over a year remember since we physically seen each other in person ) my kids missed her terribly , that’s the only aunt they have and ever knew , I missed her terribly , she was the only friend and family I have left that I still talked to , that loved me , that understood me , that didn’t judge me , that accepted me exactly how I am , anyway that day would never come , I never got to see her in person , I was told she was at her girl friends house on Wednesday, she told her she had some errands to run , some appts to go to , that she had to check into the sober living house and that she would be back later , she was texting her through out the day , at 3:30 she stopped texting her all together which worried her so she got in touch with my sisters roommate at the sober living house to see if she was till there or what was going on , when the roommate went to go check on her
She found her , slumped over on the side of her bed , they started cpr and gave her three rounds of narcan after seeing ( I don’t want to be triggering but things people use when their using drugs ) in her trash can , they gave her 3 rounds of narcan but ultimately it was too late , she was already gone by the time they found her . I just don’t understand it . I don’t understand what made her use again , and I know that sounds dumb considering I too am an addict , I know this disease , personally I know that the regular “ normal “ questions that people often ask or wonder that aren’t addicts and don’t understand , addiction is NOT a choice , no one chooses to want to die an addict or even to become one , no one thinks that one thing is going to ultimately end up to them becoming a full blown addict , believe me when I tell u that , and while often times addiction does stem from mental illness, tragedy and trauma , and things like that sometimes this disease just gets us , it destroys the best of people , it doesn’t discriminate, it will take any body , any age , any race , any gender , rich, poor it doesn’t matter. I guess I just can’t get in my head the whys , why am I here and she isn’t ? Why did she have to relapse again ? Why couldn’t she just stay clean with me this time ? Why did we even ever have to start down this road ? Why her ? Why now ? And then I’m left with the emptiness and the hurtful questions about her death , will I ever see her again ? Did she suffer ? Did she know she was dying ? Did she just fall asleep and never wake up ? What did it feel like ? Was she scared ? Can she still see me now ? All questions I may never get the answers to . I just don’t know how to continue on life without her , I don’t know how to do this . Her memorial is on Thursday I don’t know how I’m going to get through that day . I forgot to mention in my story that her and I are estranged basically from our family. It’s really only been us two . I don’t have anyone else to lean on , anyone else to talk to , anyone else to cry to , anyone else for anything , she was it , she was everything to me . I’m sorry this post is so long, I think part of me is still in shock , if u made it this far I really appreciate it , if u have any words of wisdom or just any words at all to share with me I would be so grateful to hear them , and I’m so sorry that we have all found ourself on this site , if we’re here that means we are all feeling this pain and that sucks I wish we didn’t have to feel this pain , I wish we didn’t have to be here , but I am thankful to have found this site , I hope to make friends or at least to be able to speak to others here who understand . Please take care of yourselves and thank u for reading all of this if u have . Bless u all

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Amber,
1st of all, sorry to for your tragic loss.
Totally relate to your loss especially as someone so close and young. I’m new here too and it has helped me more than any medication or counselling.
Only words I have right now are be strong and keep talking. I have no family and friends in my world but have found solace on here.
You have just found yourself your 1st friend.

James x

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Ps. Please feel free to DM anytime if you don’t want to discuss anything in public x

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So sorry for your sad loss I know how you are feeling I lost my brother before Christmas age 52 he was an addict he slumped off his chair and was found.then 6 weeks ago my husband died from lung cancer I’ve so many whys what ifs I should of this should of that
I can only take comfort there not suffering any longer no more pain now we have the pain the pain of not seeing them again talking to them nothing

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James , thank u so much for taking the time to read my whole post ( I know it was long ) , and thank u for taking the time to write those kind words . It means a lot to me at this time of loneliness and despair . It helps a little bit to have someone to talk to and to just talk in general . This pain is unbearable and I can’t seem to find anything to make it go away even a little bit even for a short time , my mind is just constantly brought back to it . I’m very sorry for your loss and I hope that you find the strength u need to get through this difficult time , I hope we all do . I would love to have a friend , thank u for offering yourself as one , I’ll gladly take u up on that offer , please also feel free to dm me any time . Take care

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Thank u so much for reading my post and sharing that with me , I am so terribly sorry for your losses and I’m so sorry we have to share in this pain together . I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy . I will be praying for u, I hope u can somehow find the strength to get through this terribly difficult time . Best wishes and take care. This response was to Ali I don’t know if I’m doing this correctly ( the responding ) I’m brand new here still trying to figure everything out

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Amber,
Thank you for you kind and lovely words.
Unfortunately there is a limit on here to DM people which is a shame.
Anyway, feel free to say hey! x

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James , I’m not sure what that means ? What do u mean there is a limit ? Am I allowed to post my email address here ? U can gladly email me , like i said I’m brand new so don’t want to break any rules but if u know if I’m allowed I’ll gladly reply next with my email address . Thanks

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All worked out :blush:

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