I lost my beautiful son in 2022 after nursing him for 2.5 years as he was suffering from MND. I moved back to Scotland leaving my life and husband in Australia just before Covid hit.
I cannot seem to move past the horror of nursing my son and watching him fade away before my eyes. I have flashbacks all the time and because I am in Australia and he died in Scotland, I feel so far away from him. I am now also separated from my daughter and my grandchildren. I feel I am drowning, I try so hard to keep busy but am constantly tired as I dont sleep and cant relax. Everyone thinks I am coping well but I am so lost. I still cant look at a photograph of my son. I have tried various counsellors but they did not seem to help me. Scare myself with the dark thoughts I have. I do not think I could ever harm myself but struggle to find any meaning to my life.
hello cazzakel, i’m sorry for the loss of your son. the weight of the world must be on your shoulders trying to make sense of your grief and feelings of abandonment. it’s alright to struggle. the flashbacks and dark thoughts are all part of our healing process. i have flashbacks of my mum passing holding my hand, almost everyday. i can’t erase it from my memories. but with time i hope i can become strong enough to take the pain and live with the memories, the good and the bad. i hope you can find some peace of mind by sharing on this forum. my heart goes out to you.
@CazzaKel my son passed last Jan in California and I’m in the uk. I was with him when he passed but I’ve had to come home and I do understand that feeling you have of not being close to him. I’m the total opposite to you, I do nothing all day. I wish I would do more but I’m so tired all the time. I have flashbacks, especially as it’s coming up to the first anniversary of his passing. I have dark thoughts but wouldn’t do anything to hurt my other sons. Grief is so hard but it’s because we loved them so much.
Hi @CazzaKel
I also lost my son in 2022, he was 41, severely disable and I had cared for him all his life. He also had a progressive neurological condition, Luekodystrophy. It is so hard to see our loved ones suffer these awful conditions and then to loose them. Like you I get flash backs especially to the night he had a major seizure ( never had a seizure before) and then passed away three days later never opening his eyes until a few minutes before he passed.
As time goes on I feel I am getting further away from my son so it must be so hard for you being in Australia. Purple did suggest to me to think of each passing day as getting nearer to the time I will be together with my son again, hopefully this will help.
You say people think you are coping well, please remember it’s ok to say you are not ok. I know when people ask how we are we say ‘ fine thank you’. I feel better now if I actually say how I feel and if I cry then so be it. I must admit I have found most people are ok with this and will talk but those who feel uncomfortable well that’s their problem.
Like you I don’t sleep and did consider counselling but I have a couple of good friends , one who lost her partner a few years ago and the other a really good listener with a very uplifting personality who I can go to when I feel the need, however there are times particularly in the middle of the night when the pain is so hard to bare. I know it’s hard but I do try to focus on the happy time we had and despite all his difficulties my son had a beautiful smile which will always be with me.
Take care, I will be thinking of you.