Thank you so much for your kind words, so many of us on here going through the same thing, it is good to know that others understand the love we have lost.
Love to you xx
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That makes me so happy to know that there is life after such heartbreak. Thank you!!
Sorry to hear of your loss, my husband went into hospital with high Alps came out a different person confusing diagnostic then put into palliative care, when he came out he was itchy he couldn’t be touched, We had ten weeks where it was unbearable watch him and no cuddles untill he was so drugged up he couldn’t talk, it’s just so unfair so quick Bile Duct Cancer or blockage they couldn’t fix it didn’t. I feel shocked numb cheated he didn’t deserve that after all his years of ill health, I nursed him at home with no support and he died in my arms. Every day’s like groundhog day, I’m still waiting for counselling to help me make sense of it all, it’s finding who we are without them but in grief we only see the worse of ourselves not the best, I’m trying to see it through my husbands eyes how he saw me but I need help getting me back to cope with this new lonely life, I talk to him everyday we never spent a moment apart, hand in hand we were everything together, navigating life in grief is so hard he passed in October 24 at 53.
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@Julie333 Oh im sorry to read your post on here and you have lost your hubby i know of that i lost my dad 4 years ago this month and holding him at home the care pack was too late and terrible but then I’ve lost my linda in hospital on 8/10/24 just before your beloved hubby and was same age too
she had liver and kidney issue and jaundice but was responding to treatment and we were told 2/3 weeks she might be home if continued but then she caught covid in there the place that was supposed be a safe place and like yourself linda passed in my arms that tore me apart its horrid seeing you loved one passing linda was a ex carer both home and care home until she became a carer for her mum full time which now has fallen on me as she has passed but ot frustrated her the lack of funding and people who just shouldn’t have been carers she put her heart and soul into looking after others inc her mum and my dad lately i too am waiting for counciling 6 months they say what use it that i feel for you i too csnt make sense of it Julie the same question why but no answer I’m now reliving the no support again with Linda’s mum as we had with dad so it seams its worse now we too only ever spent 1 day apart in 14 years together and we was due to marry this year also we were soulmates both had bad relationships but worked together and no idea of each others situation until after linda got a new job and after 3 years got back intouch talked and just knew we were ment to be together i wish i had said 3 years before as i think deep down i loved her then just didn’t realise it yes grief is dam hard i can sympathise with you there its cruel and horrid i just wanted to say and i get the lonely too and really don’t know whats me anymore as you say i just hope you see that light at the end of this terrible road were on sending a big hug if it helps look after you as people say to me but thats easier said than done 
Martin
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Hi Julie333
Sorry to hear about your loss. My wife passed in Critical Care on 6th January this year, and like you it was liver related. She had a liver disease, but was pretty much top of the list for a transplant.
Sadly she could not remain well enough to get it, and i had to take the painful decision to let her go painlessly. That decision has haunted me ever since, although i know it was my only choice.
I am broken and surviving at present, but find this site helps. You are right, i have questioned myself countless times and grief is such a terrible thing to deal with, but we must all face our own grief, and hope we can emerge stronger on the other side.
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So sorry your going through the same Martin, we were together 16 years and decided to get married in 23 we planned each stage at a time buying each bit then we’re going to get away for our first holiday without children, just for us and the year we do that my soul mate dies, it’s like you give all your life then when’s it’s your turn gone! I work in a professional environment and the NHS really scares me. I feel for you in your loss, get adult social care involved for support you need time for you to grieve and yes the waiting lists are horrendous for support theirs the grief cafe but again it’s more like this service, apparently counselling helps to put into place a new life, a new life none of on here wanted 
, I speak to him every day and hope he looks after me like he always did and I put a magnet light on the fridge next to his picture so it lights up when I go into the kitchen when it’s dark and he smiles at me, I hope you get the support you need it’s so hard when a part of your heart and soul is missing, maybe they are right next to us willing us to carry on, hugs and take self care think of you and what she would have said to you 
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@Julie333 Yes julie we together 14 years living as a couple but knew each other since 2004 but after linda left in 2007 where we worked we lost contact for 2 years but got back in touch in 2009 and started to get serious she said she fell in lovexwith me so fast but i only admitted to her in 2009 that i fell in love with her the first time i saw her and spoke to her i gave her some advice on something but i couldn’t get involved with linda as the job i was in as head of security there meant i wasnt to get involved with any other staff there so had to keep my distance that was so hard working with her i so wanted to tell her how i felt and when i returned back there after being seconded to other areas i found out she had left and was totally gutted but when we got back in touch i wasn’t going to let that happen again and we did get together best thing ever wish it had been sooner just felt amazing such a beautiful amazing person i was so lucky to have her love me ive got adult soc care involved but good grief its been a dam nightmare getting help been battling since linda passed in oct last year and still not in place still just not fit for purpose really but thank you suggesting that I’m currently been referred to complex grief counciling but again 6 months waiting lists I’m seeing my drs mental health nurse next in 2 weeks and I’ve been put on antidepressants now yeah def don’t want a new life like you say i want my life back but its not going to happen i know i love the idea of the fridge light that sounds so nice and seeing him smile ive got some led lights coming for the pictures I have had done of linda and have lots of her led candles on every night she loved her candles her cousin who was with us the night she passed sent me a led candle with the words if you miss me put this light on and il be near and her picture on it i have that in the bedroom and have it on all night so its not dark next to a pic of her not that i sleep anyway
i hope your soulmate and my linda are watching over us i really do and know she would be upset seeing me like this but how would she expect me to be as we have lost our rocks our life and future snd oh my does the NHS scare me too its way out of its depth and really broken there supposed to protect vulnerable poorly patients but they have yet again dropped the ball
We too was to get married but losing my dad and looking after her mum and covid lockdown all put it on hold linda did that too saved up bits for the wedging they all in the attic waiting now never going to be used i saw them the other day and it just floored me broke down 
oh i do thank you for your reply its nice to have someone who gets it i feel how much you are deeply hurting also it’s really hard isn’t it take care of you Julie please hope you find some peace and solace ahead hugs 
Martin
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Hi all you
I’m very depress tonight I don’t feel like living this life I just want to crawl up in my blanket and never come out I want to give up tired of being the strong one being okay when I’m not I’m just so tired having to pull the last strength out of my body getting up to face another day it is getting harder by the day don’t know if I can do this anymore I just want to die
Hello
I feel the same, and there are so many of us feeling this way. We have been catapulted into a life without out our loved ones, and it is so hard to bear.
I wish you strength to go on, I know how hard it is, I cry constantly, the loneliness and yearning is unbearable, how to carry on is a hard question, but I send you my love and utmost condolences xx
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Hi Alley
Sorry that you are so down. It is bloody hard to go through this, especially putting on a brave face when you really don’t want to.
I am always willing to talk, if you need someone to listen. I can send my number if you want, just let me know.
Try and stay strong. I do know how you feel but don’t face this on your own.
Sending love
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@Alley hey alley i know that feeling i too am really down this week cant see any light at the end of this tunnel we are in please try ring 111 or someone i just want to sleep too and not have to face the world we found ourselves in this horrid state we are in is not a good place just reach out to us like you have let out this feeling cry and don’t hold it in its the only way I’m afraid it does drain you believe me im running on empty since i lost my linda in oct I’m lost without her too she said i was her rock but she was my whole world take one day one step at a time i just sit and look at her pictures and will her to be here just to hear her i know it stupid but that all i want try be strong sweetheart huge hug 
martin
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Thank guys I just want someone to talk to late at night when it hit me the most just to lift up my spirit but everyone is sleeping at night that’s when I start to feel all alone 
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Hi J you can send your number 
I had to use Samaritans very first 2 3 months and they were amazing, just a chat for me and for them to listen. When your so alone it’s so hard and all your feelings are overwhelming and your body and mind is in shock at the reality of your life the missing one which you belonged to each other. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through, my counselling starts this week a lot of months to wait so put yourself on every list possible. A lot of my hair fell out and I lost a lot of weight and tired and emotionally drained, thoughts constantly about me and my husband. I haven’t even got to the bit where it comes in waves as mine still feels constant but I wanted to let you know about a book I’m using only got to chapter two as it has to be put down and used when your ready but it’s shorter words and it made sense to me about my feelings, I think most of us have felt we don’t want to continue but that is part of it, we can and will move forward no matter how hard and lonely it is were all here supporting each other every hour everyday at a time factor in some self care for you TV programme, bath any small thing you can manage think what your loved one would say to you - the book is called “Comfort for the grieving Spouses Heart” Hope and healing after losing your partner - Gary Roe, it enables you to connect with what’s actually happening to us hope it may support anyone on here getting up each day is a challenge but we’re here facing it head on love hugs to all every day at a time 
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Sorry for your loss J and thank you for responding I’ve just posted to A below regarding a book I’m finding useful, keeping busy is my only way to cope so Im working on the house, it’s finding a purpose while all the thoughts are swirling round in their confused state and your person isn’t there to lean on talk to or support and the feeling you have lost the rest of your future and I don’t know if anyone else has noticed there are couples everywhere which I never noticed before! I don’t know if anyone thinks what did we do to deserve this. I used to look out my window and see ladies and men walking alone in there 50s 60s 70s and feel so sorry they looked so lonely and felt so lucky and happy I had something special even looking at my friend couples I just felt the soul mate on top of this relationship was extra special and we were so lucky to have found eachother, so I’m grateful I got those sixteen years and wished it was more but the pain is because we loved so much, sending hugs to everyone were not alone
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Hi Julie
Will definitely look it up
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“Grief is the price we pay for love” (Dr Colin Murray Parkes). If that’s correct, then I shall be forever and a day, in debt to my beautiful, loving, caring Hazel. Ive known her 44 years, loved her for 43 of them and been a couple for 39 years.
Tomorrow would have been her 62nd birthday, so the family are going to a meal at the pub where Hazel and I first met 
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Noted 
I didn’t read through all that the first time
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Hi Alley,
i think it was down to me. Also noted.