My wife passed away in May. She had been unwell for a while with COPD and was on an oxygen machine at home which I monitored at home. My wife was prone to chest infections with the COPD, which steroids and antibiotics usually sorted. She was complaining of a sore chest in May, so we went to the local A&E as usual, where they informed me, she only had a few hours to live. We got a private room to stay together. I sat with her all night and I think I may have nodded off for a few minutes. Whe I looked again, she was gone. We had been together for 47 yrs! I can’t believe she’s gone. I feel so guilty for nodding off. I can’t sleep, I’m not eating properly. I can’t speak to anyone about her without breaking down, so I don’t go out or answer the phone. I don’t know what to do.
I feel so guilty about the way I treated her in the last few months. I used to shout and call her a prescription junkie because I thought she was overmedicating, then I’d feel so guilty, we’d cuddle and both cry. It was fear of losing her that made me shout. I tried everything humanly possible and still failed. The day I took her to hospital, with the exception of her sore chest, she was fine. She told the neighbours we were going for a run, then to be told she only had a few hours left has killed me too.
I don’t know if talking about is going to help. It certainly doesn’t feel like it.
My husband died in october from terminal cancer it was in his head eventually taking both his eyes - we had been together for twenty years both having had failed marragies - he wanted to be looked after at home so thats what we did - it was very hard i changed his dressings made sure he ate and drank washed him showered him dressed him got up in the night to change dressings he had removed in his sleep - he spent his last two days in a hospice and died when i wasn’t there due to looking after his special needs son - i to feel so bad and cheated that i wasnt there and cry about it but i also know that he would be cross with me for feeling this way - so dont beat yourself up please - take care and keep talking
Hi John,
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please try not to feel guilty. Sounds to me like you cared for your wife extremely well and, don’t forget, having the odd row is part of life and you always made up. My amazing partner collapsed and died just before Christmas. A catastrophic heart attack with no warning. I couldn’t get him off the sofa or lie him flat for CPR. Could I have saved him? The guilt and ‘what ifs’ were terrible. I have now heard from the coroner who said that even if it had happened in hospital with a doctor by his side he still wouldn’t have survived. He had mobility issues and I used to shout sometimes out of pure frustration; not with him but with the situation. I knew Alan was going to pass away and spent the last day with him watching him struggle to take a breath. It was brutal and I had to take a breather to call my dear friend. And, of course, that was when he started to slip away. I just made it back but I felt awful about that as well. But, here’s the thing; I did my absolute best for him; just like you did for your wife. No one is perfect and we all have regrets but our partners knew they were loved and we can’t ask for more than that.
You will find support here and more people will understand than you think. You cared for your wife and now it’s time to care for yourself. One day at a time. x
Dear @John65
Sorry I didn’t write much this morning, I was just leaving for work.
My husband had COPD.
He first had complete respiratory failure in 2016, a month in a coma in ICU. Recovered but after they very poorly , several hospital stays every year, mostly in the High Dependency unit. Very ill lots of times , I lost count of the number of times I was told he probably wouldn’t make it, but he always did…
July and August 2022 he had 3 admissions very close to each other, on the last one , heavy conversations with his consultant, (who we knew on first name terms , as had known him since 2016) about where he wanted to die.
Okay at home for a couple of weeks, then a rapid decline. Our consultant had put things in place and with Phil’s wishes he was cared for at home for last 10 days by me, supported by palliative care nurses .
He now had a hospital bed in our front room, and I was sleeping on the floor with our 10 week old puppy. Treacle our older dog slept on Phil’s bed with him.
On the last morning, we’d already had two visits from nurses in middle of night to give extra drugs. It was about 7.30am, I looked over to him and his feet had dropped off the edge of the bed. But this was how he always liked it.
He was wearing his Bipap mask , and looked peaceful, so I thought I’ll leave his legs for a while . Just popped into kitchen for something, can’t remember what .
Went back in, to lift his legs up, ( they had to be to fight the oedema) . Even when he was sleepy he always fought me helping him move his legs, but he didn’t. He’d gone.
And hearing your story, and others, reminded me what I’ve been told… I honestly think, that maybe they chose to go when we were away for a few seconds to spare us.
Big hugs and love to you all on our very difficult journey
