Hi all, thought I’d start my own thread detailing my loss.
Her name was Mandy , 51 , I met her 13.5 years ago we got married almost 3 years ago. She developed bladder cancer , a bad one , it eventually ended her life almost 3 weeks ago so I’m quite raw with my feelings.
In the first week I struggled with guilt , guilt as I thought she’d now find out I’d gambled a bit more than I should have and she’d be hating me now in heaven , even though I don’t believe it . Before I met her I wasn’t a great person but she changed me immensely but again I was feeling I’ll about her judging me .
I think I’ve got over that now as I believe the things I feared she’d forgive me , yet it did effect me. Silly i know .
we luckily had the chance to sort affairs out and let each other know our feelings , yet some messages she left me on her phone were her incredible love for me . I knew she loved me very much just somehow I didn’t realise JUST how much . It’s made me angry at losing her .
We had so much ahead of us , saved well and were just due to experience the things we saved for then bang, cancer .I hate Cancer , it was brutal to her she got no rest until it was too late .
I feel cheated, heartbroken. I’ve got 2 of my own kids and my step son who I will be with as long as he needs me .I’ve no debt, no mortgage so money is not much of an issue but im by no means well off believe me .
This is so hard, waking up to no one , no one to tell of my day etc. her funeral is Thursday , dreading it but she’s picked the whole content . She was the most amazing wife , gorgeous, fun, caring, loving the full package . She’s going to missed by a lot of folk.
Today I feel lost , please tell me life gets a wee bit better .? I don’t want anyone in my life ever but im so scared of being alone , I have wonderful friends but they aren’t always there for me in the future, guess I need to just face it and get on with it.
Glenn54
Mandy sounds amazing, reminds me of my wife who made me a better person.
As with you I also feel lost, I am scraping by hoping things will become easier, I want to look at photo’s of my beautiful wife and smile.
Apparently things do improve, the heartache becomes bearable and although we are changed forever we can learn to live with ourselves.
That’s what I keep telling myself, not succeeding yet but …one day.
Hope you get some peace and find some kind of normality.
Sending Love
Joe
Hi Glenn54. That’s what we all need on here is a cuddle. As my partner was dying that’s what she used to say to me. ’ Give me a cuddle’ of course I did but not how I wanted to cuddle her because she had lost so much weight and was so frail I was frightened of hurting her.
Thank you Joe , it’s difficult to believe it gets better, ever , when you love someone so much and they are taken away it’s an enormous grief, a one no one who hasn’t suffered it can understand.
Can it get better? I doubt it ever will , this morning I’ve just had another meltdown, wanting her back.
Hi Peter, I’m missing so many little things but it’s the just her being here that is the biggest miss .
I’ve read a lot of posts on here now and the underlying thing seems to be the accepting of our partners have left us . Even this morning I cried I just want you back , I know damn well I can’t have that .
Getting through this and making a life seems pointless to many , myself included but we must .
I’m so so lost without her , I need to take time out from life for a good bit then comeback when I can , it’s hard.
So it her funeral the day after tomorrow, Thursday .
Bagged up a lot of old coats today from a cupboard in out living room, filled a car full of other rubbish I simply don’t need , felt awful for the coats being bagged so soon but they really are so old and hold no real attachment but still it hurts . My crying isn’t so bad today , ive many bad days ahead
Her funeral was perfect, all her , her words everything.
The wake was full of tales of Mandy and a bit surreal talking about her in past context.
In truth I’m proud I pulled it all together for her but the overwhelming sense of loss is still here .
The dust has settled, folk have gone back to their homes , Mandy was laid to rest , her ashes, the next day in Blyth next to the beach , her plot is in the cemetery opposite the beach , somewhere for me to go to .
We have raised £2080 so far on her memory page for the hospice as I wanted to give them something back , her school raised another £170 .
Well done Glenn, I am sure Mandy would be proud and what a great amount for a fantastic charity.
Wishing you love for the future and hope you and everyone can find their “peace”.
Joe x
Hi well done and I’m sure you made her proud with a perfect funeral . I know how hard it is after the funeral .my thoughts are with you. We had a collection at hubby funeral for a local charity DAB that helps transport people to and from the hospital while having cancer treatment .it helps a little to know some good has come out of terrible loss. Xtake carex
Went out for Father’s Day with my son , his wife and their parents yesterday, had an anxiety attack in the restaurant and started to cry .
Had a really bad day yesterday, wasn’t prepared for the anxiety when I’m doing new things.
i didn’t ask for this life yet I have to live itb
Hi so sorry you had a bad day yesterday. I’m sure your mind is all over the place and the slitest thing will upset you. It is so hard to lose your partner. Life is so different . It’s a life now we don’t want and don’t know how to cope with it. But we have to just plod on .and sometimes just get through it hour by hour. thinking of you xtake carex
