After a 4yr long brave battle against Cancer, my Wife & best friend lost her battle 28/01/23.
We were blessed with 4 now adult Children & 10 grandchildren. All who are dealing with their loss as much as me.
I spend most evenings on my own talking to my wife and hoping she will answer me. Of course she doesn’t answer me, which is when the emotion starts and the downhill spiral I experience most evenings.
I have a feeling of guilt that I am still here and she isn’t! I question myself could I have cared more, helped more, found better Doctors?
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I’m sorry for your loss. My husband passed away 2 weeks ago also after a battle with cancer. We were married nearly 35 years. I agree the evenings are the worst. During the day I try to keep busy but the loneliness is awful especially in the evenings.
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@Lostintime Totally understand, a combination of cancer and lamentable clinical care killed my wife on the 16th April 2022, a year ago last Sunday.
Like you, our two adult children and I have repeatedly asked ourselves what more could we have done, there’s guilt, regret, anger. Our children robbed of their mother and a grandmother to their children. Me? I lost a childhood sweetheart, lover, wife and best friend, married, almost fifty years; she was desperate to see that wedding anniversary. Continually apologised, when she became conscious of the fact that she was dying.
Like you, sometimes, I talk to her and I texted her quite a lot too, I know she gets the texts, because her phone is on the table next to me but whether she ever reads them, I know not, she never replies.
I’m pleased that I’ve out lived her, not for the fact that I’m still alive but she’d wouldn’t have deserved the pain of separation that I’m living now. She was far too good and kind for that.
She qualified as a nurse in 1966 and worked almost her entire adult life in the NHS, working until 65 and then going back age 72 to cover during Covid but when she needed them, they weren’t there for her.
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Hi lostintime.i lost my gorgeous fantastic wife sue to pancreatic cancer which had spread to her lungs and liver on the first of February this year. So i feel the pain your going through.when i,m feeling down i ask myself is this what sue wants for me.sounds to me you did the best you could for your wife. Please ask for help and cry if you need to i,m learning to ask for help its nothing to be ashamed of
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I lost my darling husband if 33 years to pancreatic cancer which spread to his liver, 5 months after the initial diagnosis. It was a hideous case of ‘too little, too late’ and a series of NHS disasters and incompetence. I got to care for him 24/7 for 5 months - but wouldn’t wish anyone to go through the experiences he had to endure. He died in February and I’m just beginning to gather the strength to write and share his story via Pancreatic Cancer UK as their specialist nurses were my lifeline and support system during this period and the only ones who knew the real truth and what to do/should have been done. I just wish I knew then what I know now. My heart goes out to you all who’ve lost loved ones. On reflection, caring for someone so suddenly acutely sick for a while meant I think I started grieving during his terminal illness. When everyone told me to take time for me, I knew deep in my heart and soul Richard had very limited time so dedicated every minute I could to being at his side to ‘do my best’. I do believe that is giving me some small degree of comfort at his horrendously difficult and painful time after 40 years of being together.
Hopefully, you like me, have many special and precious memories of the happy times. To comfort myself at the darkest times, I try and reflect and draw on those frequently when I feel myself falling into the black hole of grief and loss so I can feel grateful we shared so many good times. Not everyone has that in a lifetime of being together. I’m also just in the process of digitising all our old photos into photo books I can personalise with our story to treasure forever and be able to pick up anytime and share with my 4 year old grandson as he grows up without his grandad he loved so much 
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My gorgeous fantastic wife sue died of the same thing which had spread to her lungs and liver on the first of February this year in lyndsey lodge hospice scunthorpe.the palliative care consultant was absolutely disgusted with scunthorpe hospital over the treatment of sue and advised me and the family to put a formal complaint in.i had 22years with sue and it feels like a part of myself has been ripped away from me and i feel so lost and alone. Yes my family are really supportive but I really miss sue so much i have to force myself to carry on most days but i know it isn’t my time to go yet plus sue would give me the biggest telling off for giving in xx
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Hi @Martyn2 the specialist at our hospice said the same too about our local hospital. I was going to put in a formal complaint but with the state of the NHS , strikes, staff shortages etc I think I know the excuses and I’m not going to put myself through that negativity, although I will write my experience down, research and share the facts with my GP and MDT at the hospital.
I’m going to write a case study to share and hope help people through their pancreatic cancer journey and try and help raise earlier awareness and impact of the disease and potential treatment options and timelines.
I wished I knew then what I now know, and had more confidence to make tougher timely decisions and push the medical teams more based on the expert - but charity support - of the specialist PCUk nursing hotline and my ‘gut feel’ knowing and caring for him 24/7.
As part of my grieving process annd trying to make sense of my loss, and reflecting on our hideous hospital and medical experience, I came across a TED talk and numerous online videos from a remarkable man - Dr Christopher Kerr.
He’s the chief medical officer and CEO of the hospice and palliative care in Buffalo, USA. Dr Kerr has written a book ‘Death is but a Dream’ and there are lots of YouTube interviews about end of life experiences and dreams of the dying from his 40+ years as a specialist hospice doctor.
I wish I’d seen and known about what he says at the start of Richard’s terminal illness. So much resonates with our wonderful hospice (compared to hospital) experience and I found it strangely very comforting.
I’m now just thinking about how I can help work with my local hospice too, as when someone has advanced cancer or complicated terminal illnesses, the MDT ‘spot weld’ and treat individual symptoms or immediate problems at that moment in time (infections, blocked bile duct, sickness, pain, diabetes, chemo etc) but no one in the medical world is focussed on the overall cumulative impact and mental well-being on the ‘whole’ patient (individual person) and their body.
The GP doctors and medical establishment are geared to fix and cure individual symptoms - not treat the individual patient as a whole, and with a terminal illness, the horrid truth is there is no cure. And rarely do you see the same GP twice. Also, most of the MDT (multi disciplinary team) never see a patient - they are just looking at remote scans/lab results without knowing the individual or joining the dots between with gastro/oncologist/diabetic/medical/emergency doctors and specialists. My MacMillan nurses confirmed this too.
I believe more time and budget should be directed at caring for the dying which would help reduce unnecessary suffering and low patients and their carers/family deal with the horrendous situation they face with a terminal illness and medicine can no longer fix the problems and provide greater (different palliative care) and dignity in death. Our hospice also had a wonderful bereavement service too for those left behind to cope best they can along with this amazing community via the Sue Ryder charity. The sad thing is these specialist resources are all charities and provide better support and services than the NHS can in its present state and structure.
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The hospice where sue was have been absolutely fantastic with helping me to try and cope .just waiting for my first counselling session with them.our macmillan nurse was absolutely useless and the only thing she did was sort out sues blue badge out .anything else was a waste of time. Said sue had seen an oncologist in the notes when sue never saw one .the macmillan nurse who worked with the palliative care consultant was absolutely fantastic at her job.apperently we were supposed to have a grant from macmillan but we were not told anything about it
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The motorcycle club i am part of are doing two charity events out for the hospice one in june and the September one is being split with the hospice and raising funds for defibrillators for ever region in the UK where we have members
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