Hi i lost my wife on th17/11/23. It’s still so very raw and no matter what i do or say i keep putting my foot in it with my step sons, my wife coped so well with cancer for 18 months and now i feel I’m letting her down by not coping.
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Maybe be a little kinder to yourself. It’s such a traumatic time for everyone, with so many powerful emotions. It’s so difficult to think straight. I really hope you and your step sons can find peace with each other
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@Simmo this is a massive change that you are going through and very very early days. I lost my wife almost 8 weeks ago, having dealt with cancer for almost 3 years, and it is hard.
You need to be kind to yourself, this site is very good to vent at, as we have all been through a similar situation.
What I have found, even in this short time, is that everyone’s grief journey is individual to them.
Your step-sons will be grieving too, but the grief of losing your mother is different to losing your wife/life partner, this is something that my daughters have taught me.
So keep visiting here and you will find someone in similar situation to you or having the same feelings, etc.
Take care…Pete
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@Simmo your loss is still so raw.
It’s an incredibly tough time, but you’ve made a good choice to come here and find people who are going through exactly the same.
You will have so much to do , try and take time to rest and take up any offers of help.
Sending you love
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Hi Simmo
I lost my wife unexpectedly on the 31st October this year.
I have two kids and I feel so sad, and alone I am often totally consumed by the grief.
I was so worried about how my eldest son and how he viewed me I had to ask him if he blamed me in any way. He said no and I was being silly but I still worry.
One thing I have done is taken time separately with both my kids to do something fun and very different.
It helped distract me from all the grief of only for an hour or two and it showed that no matter what I want to be there for the kids.
I hope you can find something that works for you and supports you with the your steps sons.
Also worth saying you just being there for them will not be letting them down.
Regards
I’ve been going through this since I lost my wife to cancer in May. Believe me whatever you are doing you are doing well at. I went through phases of comparing how clean the house was and how organised I was and what plans I had made for me and my son. Really beating myself up because I knew it wasn’t as good as when Julie was with us. You get to a realisation that it never will be as good.
Children are resilient and the grief for a parent is different from a partner.
Make new memories there will be good ones and upsetting ones. There will be highs and lows. Nobody ever prepares you for what we are going through yet every couple will leave 1 person behind. The way I get through the tough days is… I suffer this pain so that my Julie would never have to. It hurts like hell at times, but if it was a choice of one of us living in this pain for the rest of their lives I would take it always.
That may sound silly to some but it helps me.
Keep talking.
Steve
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Simmo .your not letting your wife down.everything is still raw.i lost my gorgeous beautiful wife sue to cancer on the 1st February this year and I feel the same way sometimes but then i think what my wife sue would want me to do.sit down with your stepsons and explain how you feel and ask them how they feel as well.take care martyn
I feel like this too. I bear this pain and loss because I’d rather it was me than him. He was such a wonderful, kind, positive, friendly person - literally everyone loved him. He didn’t deserve to be distressed or in pain & I feel honoured to be taking that for him.
I am living the rest of my life for him. I will be his wife until I join him again. I will finish the bungalow that we started renovating for him (using the plans that he had envisioned). I will carry on his business - for him. I have been in a bad place since I lost him on 7th November, but I looked around the finished parts of the bungalow this morning and felt that I was letting him down by not taking care of the things that we’d already accomplished together. I took out a duster and cleaning spray and I dusted some shelves. It’s only small - but it’s a start. We created this home together and thought that we’d grow old in it together - so I’m going to make sure that I take care of his legacy.
That is now my purpose in life.
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Hi @Simmo
I think I might know where you’re coming from on this (but I could be wrong?)
I lost my husband on 7th November (very suddenly and unexpectedly). We did not have any children together but he has 2 children from a previous marriage (children when we met, but now adults). They are my stepson and stepdaughter and I did not know if they’d still hang around. I’ve been with their dad for over 21 years, but I’m not technically ‘blood’. Were they just hanging around because of him and would now fade into the sunset?
So far, this hasn’t happened and I’m just giving them space and time and trying to be there for them if they need me. I do have a habit of putting my foot in it when I open my mouth, so it may be that I’ve upset them unknowingly. However, everyone grieves in a different way and the key is to just give each other the space and support to do that. My stepson is really angry, whereas I’ve been devastated and my stepdaughter has been putting on a brave face but probably collapsing in private (she is her father’s daughter, if you see what I mean?).
You haven’t provided any details of how you’ve put your foot in it with your stepsons - we’re all here to support and listen if you’d like to share this. If not, then just know that there WILL be a LOT of emotions flying around, a lot of things being said that are not meant and it’s just a matter of riding the storm and letting them know that you are there for them if/when they need you.
You aren’t letting her down by not coping - you aren’t letting anyone down. You are just grieving - just like your stepsons. So please stop being hard on yourself. There’s a tendency to try to find some reason to feel guilty when someone dies - but there’s really no need. There are enough emotions flying around without adding guilt into the mix.
We are all here for you. 
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Hi all, thank you for your support and kind words. There’s some good advice being sent my way and i really appreciate it.
It’s now 2 wks to the day that my gorgeous wife and soul mate left my side.
Some days i wonder what am i doing other days i feel I’m on the right road, then the nights kick in. Wow that feelin is indescribable.
My step sons only come into the house when we’ve got to discuss things, although my own daughter has shown great compassion. I’m lucky to have her around.
Thank you all once again
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Hi everybody,
Just come back on here again to let you all know that I’ve started to receive counselling.
Believe me when I say this, my friends, family and myself would never believe this would help me. I’m not the kind of person that takes advice, I’m the type that helps others.
The counselling has been incredible I’m not saying it’s for everyone but it has helped a lot.
Anybody out there who needs a shoulder or somebody that will listen without judgement and in confidence please try counselling.
It can help I’m proof of it.
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Hi all,
I’ve set up a post called ‘Where are we from’
It’s a post where people can put where they live and hopefully connect with people local to them that understand what we are going through. People are lonely and friends and family although they try to help don’t understand our pain.
Check it out there might be somebody just around the corner who is experiencing the same emotions and feelings.
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The group is under coping with bereavement and is called ‘’ Where are we from’’
Today is the day of my wife soul mate and best friends funeral. I’m so emotional it’s unbearably hard.
My steps son and his partner asked to help with the arrangements and basically they’ve destroyed her memory. They’ve not included me in any of the arrangements, lied, misled people and god knows what else they’ll try and do.
All i ever wanted was to give my wife the best possible send-off and they’ve turn it into a circus.
My wife told both her son’s Not to cut me off from the grandchildren as they are such a part of my life. I haven’t seen any of them for nearly 5 wks.
I’ve been cut out from there lives. My beautiful wife always wanted to see the best in people. She’d be turning in her grave with whats going on. Sorry to rant.
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I’m so sorry to hear this @Simmo
Do you have any idea why they have done this? It could be the grief that is causing this as different people deal with it in different ways and hopefully it means that this will resolve as they heal? Or have you always had a difficult relationship with them?
I feel your pain as I too, am a step-parent (I have no children of my own). My husband had told me that his daughter wouldn’t hang around (she was a daddy’s girl and always resented my presence so we were never close) but that his son would. He passed on 5 weeks ago and, so far, the opposite has happened - his son has completely cut everyone off (I think he’s avoiding us because then he can ‘pretend’ his dad hasn’t gone) and his daughter has been amazing. I have no idea if it will continue like this or if Paul’s prediction will come true, because we’re all still processing our grief - and will be for some time to come.
Have you tried contacting them to visit the grandchildren? As, if they have indeed cut you off, then it is desperately unfair to the children who know you as grandad.
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Simmo i am so sorry for what happened…there is no need to apologise for anything. It seems to me that they will be only hurting you and your grandchildren. See if you can ask them what you have supposed to have done to merrit this
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