From my experience I thought I was coping, I had cried, a lot, but then on a Monday 4 weeks after Trudy’s death I just fell apart totally, couldn’t stop crying, took 2 days off work and just stared at the walls not knowing what to do, that was the start of me really dealing with it, it was like my head needed me to fall apart before it would let me start to cope. I will admit in the early weeks I didn’t want to be here without her, thought about ending it all, I am an engineer, it’s easy to plan out how to do it painlessly, two reasons I didn’t, my wife made me promise I wouldn’t do anything like that and I didn’t want to leave a mess behind me, that didn’t stop me wanting to just die in the night whilst I slept. You don’t really notice those thoughts going away but they did, I still don’t want to be here without her but she would be upset with me if I just gave up, so I am not giving up, I might not succeed but I won’t let Trudy down by not trying.
My thoughts are with you for tomorrow Matt
Like Matt, my thoughts are with you for Saturday Richard
Very much appreciated.
We are all members of a club that we’d rather not have joined.
Hi @Matt6, Welcome to the site which has helped me since my wife died 4 months ago of cancer like your wife. It’s something that nobody can ever prepare you for isn’t it! All of a sudden your wife who you loved so much has passed and the pain is terrible. You’ll start to get better some days and others where you feel like you’re back on day 1. However it will slowly improve. Talking to people on this site was the best help for me and I’d urge you to do the same. Realising you’re not the only one suffering helped me especially when my wife was only62 and lots of other people are the same age or sadly younger. There’s no rules on that one it seems.
I’m just about to post about sleep in the hope of getting some help from fellow widows/widowers………
Stay strong and chat with everyone. I’m really sorry for your loss - stay strong & feel free to e-mail privately on the link they provide.
Derek
@Atrum
Hi there Atrum
So sorry for your loss my friend.
I too have been using this periodically since my Wife of 31 years Anna passed away following a long Cancer battle on 7th November last year aged only 51.
When she was first taken from me i felt my whole world had come to an end, i didn’t want to see anyone or do anything, i just wanted to leave this earth & be back with her again.
I felt so guilty that it was her that had suffered & been taken & not me.
Although i had cared for her at home right up to the end & done my absolute best to make her as comfortable as possible i still felt guilt that i didn’t do the impossible & make her well again.
No matter how much i tried i couldn’t shake the feeling that i wanted to end it all.
My Daughter sensed that there was something badly wrong & arranged for me to see a bereavement counsellor, although initially i didn’t want to i gave in & went along to see this lady called Jackie. Without going into massive detail seeing her really helped me to begin to start coping with my grief.
I still have bad days when i can’t see the point in anything anymore but they are fewer than right at the beginning.
I too had promised my Wife that i wouldn’t do anything stupid like end my life, she would also have been very angry at me for that. I feel that although very slowly i am managing to take one day at a time & get by.
I still cry uncontrollably nearly every day but that is just one of the things i have had to get used to.
All we can do is be kind to ourselves & hope that this indescribable pain lessens as each day passes, hopefully you are managing to get by in a similar way.
Take care buddy, I’ll keep you in my thoughts my friend 
Hi there. I too have in the past about not being here. If it wasn’t for my family it might have happened.
But I toughed it out and struggled on but it’s been really hard and I still can’t come to terms with being alone.
It’s only time really that makes any difference. And we have no control over that. I’m allowing myself loads of time. I’m being nice to myself and not expecting anything of myself. That way I reduce self judgement.
Please be kind to yourself also as maybe a way of honouring Trudys memory. I also find keeping a journal helpful with just any old thoughts put down. Useful to look back on them later.
Peter
I just felt I needed to reply to your post
I too had my darling wife for just over 30 years only to be lost to dementia and a massive stroke in September 2023.
The thought of ending it all is quite natural as I’ve had similar feelings but, like you, I know Bridget would’ve thought me a silly bugger for feeling that way. Also I think I still have some love to give to my family.
A counsellor said to me imagine the other way round with you dying and my wife left on her own. She would’ve been devastated. I loved her enough to spare her that. Small comfort in many ways but I cling on to anything these days. I cry at the smallest memories
I’m waiting for cruse counselling but the waiting list is long. Goes to show how much it’s needed.
Time is all we’ve got and it’s a matter of just getting through the day.
Peter
So,sorry for your loss
I can totally relate to this.
My husband passed away from cancer but had been diagnosed with early onset dementia. Day after day you are losing more of them & you do have to remember to keep telling yourself that you did what you could at the time.
Losing them bit by bit. How true
In the end I lost her completely as she didn’t know me. I’m the care home she thought of me as another one of the staff. But still I loved her and never wanted her gone. Always thought - one more year, month
@Peter11
Hi there Peter,
Thank you for your reply.
Please accept mycondolences for your loss.
The shock & devastation of losing someone we Love that’s so close to us is indescribable to those who have never been in our shoes.
As well meaning as people can be, unless they too have experienced similar they cannot truly understand how life is for those left behind.
Although quite a large proportion of people that myself & my Wife had known & classified as friends over the years emerged to convey their condolences on my Wife’s passing just over a year ago & a significant number attended her funeral, as well as friends of my own getting in touch, since the day i & my Son & Daughter laid my Wife to rest i have had literally no contact from anyone, not a soul to check in on me, see how I’m coping, ask if I’m doing Ok. I have absolutely no contact with my Wife’s family as they treated her appallingly from the day she was first diagnosed with Cancer & basically turned their backs on her from then on.
I rarely see or have interaction with anyone apart from my Son, Daughter & Grandchildren which compounds the feelings of loneliness.
Sometimes i think to myself, what’s the point in carrying on, who’d really miss me if i just gave up & ended it all ?
But then i give my head a wobble & realise that my beautiful Wife Anna didn’t want to leave me & she would be raging at me for feeling that way, i have to try to go on to honour her memory.
I’ll never Love again the way i Loved her so won’t even bother trying. Hopefully I’ll manage to adjust to being alone in time but for now i have my memories of us together for company.
Take care of yourself my friend & i hope things improve for you also in time
Derek
Hello Derek
Thank you for your reply.
Being without someone who was part of my life for over 30 years is the pits. It was bad while she was in the care home, missing her being here, but at least she was there and I was able to visit albeit to someone who didn’t recognise me as their husband.
But that finished September 2023 when she died and I’m feeling very lost TBH in how to fill my time. Join this, try that, volunteer, etc, but I’ve little motivation to do it. I sleep a lot. Gets rid of time. God what a way to exist! I only hope next year things will improve because the way things are going I’m worried about my sanity.
@Peter11
Hi Peter,
Yes 30 years is a very long time, similarly my Wife & i were married for 31 years.
I am so sorry to hear that your lovely Wife no longer recognised you near the end but I’d like to think somehow she knew you were there with her.
My Wife refused the option of Hospice in - patient care preferring to be at home for me to take care of her, although i did have Hospice nurses coming out to help me a couple of times everyday which was an immense help.
Filling time is also a problem for me, i have my job which I enjoy but when I’m home i struggle & there’s only so much TV you can watch although i can never really concentrate on anything anyway.
During the better weather i do own a few Scooters, Vespa’s, Lambretta’s specifically & i do enjoy working on them from time to time.
My Sleep patterns are awful ever since i lost my Anna, if i get 3 - 4 hours a night I’m lucky but never a good night’s rest.
I actually turned my hand to painting last year during Winter just to occupy my mind & completed a portrait of my Wife that took me a few months, i only did a couple of hours now & then but it helped me pass the time, maybe it’s something you could consider.
I’m going to start on another nearer Christmas to help me get through that.
Hopefully you’ll find some way to get by my friend, we are all different & will find varying ways to get ourselves through most situations, i pray you will find solace in something to help you keep your sanity. I have attached a picture of the portrait i painted.
You will remain in my thoughts my friend Take care Peter.
Derek
It’s a beautiful painting. Well done.
Having your job is a good thing as the hours are at least occupied by some form of distraction. And you say you like it so that’s a bonus.
I guess it does get better slowly. I actually have a counselling session tomorrow to try and sort some stuff out. Who knows!
Keep posting as I do believe it helps
Peter
@Peter11
Thank you Peter, I’m very proud of my painting, it has pride of place on my lounge wall, above my Anna’s ashes. Yes i am one of probably very few people who actually enjoys their work & i work with some amazing colleagues who were very good to me around the time of my Anna’s illness & eventual passing. They made it possible for me to spend a lot more time with her towards the end, for which i will be eternally grateful.
Good luck with the counselling session tomorrow, hopefully it can be a starting point of sorts for you. I was very angry prior to starting my counselling sessions & speaking to somebody eventually helped me to shift some of the anger that was eating away at me.
I haven’t posted for a while but was glad i spotted your post a couple of days ago, it has encouraged me to re - engage on the site, so Thank you for that.
I will do my best to keep posting,
Take Care,
Derek
Hi Derek
Just finished a counselling session. I’ve been with this counsellor for almost 6 years.
I ruminate too much , that’s one of the ongoing problems. I’m also very hard on myself and judge that I didn’t do enough at the time for my wife.
But, of course, memories can be very selective and she said I have to be reminded that all I did I did on my own, and what I did do was the best at that time. It’s hard and messy and coming out of this is complicated and difficult.
Grieving is like this too. Never straight forward. The progress line never goes up straight but all over the place. I sometimes feel that all this heartache is punishment and I’ve really had enough. But sometimes a little enjoyment seems a bit disloyal to her memory.
Peter
@Peter11
Hi Peter,
I hope your session went well.
I too have the same feelings that you mention regarding guilt that i didn’t do enough for my Wife also, i know in my heart of hearts that i did all i could possibly do other than the impossible which was make everything go away & be back to normal again but the mind is a complex machine & is always ready to throw curve balls at us.
I know what you mean with regards to the enjoyment situation, it was my Company’s Christmas party last Friday & i wasn’t at all feeling like going but my Daughter kept on & convinced me to go yet all the time i was there i couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it, it felt wrong having a good time without my Anna with me, so i stayed long enough for people to know i had been there but left after an hour or so, i then felt awful for the next day or two for going in the first place, as if i had been as you say disloyal to her memory.
Derek