I lost my wife of 18 years to cancer on Saturday, she was and is the love of my life, I’m struggling to see a future without her. Everyone is being so kind and caring, but as soon as I think of her or try to talk about her I tear up. I just don’t know what I’m going to do
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Hello Matt
Thought I’d say hello and how sorry I am to hear about your loss. There isn’t much anyone can say that will lessen the hurt you’re feeling right now but just be assured that we here have some idea of what you’re going through.
There isn’t much you can do to be honest at this early stage in your grief apart from getting through each day as best you can. I know that every thing you hear, see, touch will remind you of her and, although people are kind, often they just don’t know what to say to you or how to approach someone else’s grief.,
I can recommend that you read some of the good books on grieving out there that may help you. Seek out help from the Samaritans and think about counselling if you can afford it.
Stay on this forum as it can help to unload anything that you’re feeling
Peter
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I am so very sorry for your loss. I can agree with everything Peter has said. I have found this site a great help.
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Matt6, I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife. Truly, none of us want to be in this situation and wish we had never needed to look for a site like this.
There are no rules to this nightmare as grief is personal. However, some reactions seem quite common. There is numbness, a complete lack of emotion where we stumble around like a zombie. There is sleeplessness and the horror of waking up to realize it wasn’t a bad dream. There is loss of appetite, lethargy and a feeling of heaviness. There are seemingly endless crying spells.
I don’t think of a future farther than today, the thought of spending the rest of my life without my husband and the loss of the future we would have is overwhelming. My days are one hour at a time.
Baby steps. I make a list of 5 things to do each day and get them done. When I see that the list is checked off, it makes me feel I am moving in the right direction.
Expect that the next few months will be just a horror show. Do whatever you need to do to get through it all. Whatever way you handle it is okay.
Much love and understanding.
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I think doing a list is a good thing. Sort of organising your day. Even if it’s mundane things.
I’m finding little projects helps. Tidy cutlery draw, that sort of level. I think that we can allow ourselves a large amount of leeway in what we do and think and feel. We’ve been through a nightmare situation and whatever we can do ( or don’t do) to get from one day to the next is okay.
It’s toughing it out, that’s the trick. But this all takes time. Be patient
Peter
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Hello everyone
What I find a little upsetting at times is when speaking to others I say “I “ instead of “we”, “I live here” and not “we live here”.
It’s things like this that remind me that I’m on my own now and that’s it, possibly till I die. The grant of probate has just arrived and it’s another fact that shows I’m alone. No more let’s share.
I like the fact that the dementia is not affecting my life anymore but gone is the person who loved me. And when that love disappeared back in 2019 I wonder if I just kept looking after her out of duty.
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I am a very lonely “I”. I just get through one day at a time and wish the next day one away. I can’t see an end to this. Grief is cruel. I don’t want to be alone!!
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See my previous reply .
Take care ,look after yourself be kind to yourself.
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Matt. Really sorry to have read your post.
I lost Deb to cancer on 3rd November and my grief seems to be growing day-by-day, maybe as we are approaching her funeral.
I do hope things become more manageable for you.
Best wishes
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Hi, I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m just trying to take it one day at a time, it’s so difficult to think to the future at the moment.
Matt
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Stay strong bud. Easier said than done!
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My experience, for what it’s worth, is that the hurt lessens over time and never goes away. One day okay and the next I’m all over the place.
But time alone has done its job a little bit. There are moments when I think, remember, regret, have issues with guilt. And it’s all to do with accepting that I did what I could AT THE TIME and I know that the awfulness and suffering my wife experienced is now over. She had less than a half life in the end and would never have wanted to remain as she was.
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Matt, you are doing just fine. As others have said, just think of the here and now, not the future, for the time being. No words will ease the pain, but you are in the right place on this forum, many have really words of wisdom and comfort. I just joined a week or so ago, lost my husband on 8 Oct, and it’s all quite rubbish and painful.
All the best.
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I’ve come to realise that I’m trying to rush things, trying to “ come to terms with it” too soon. In some ways rushing it, or at least not giving myself time, doesn’t honour her memory.
We were together for over 30 years and what I am today in large part is because of her. We were always just the two of us with outside interests and friends as backup. I guess that’s what it’s like for most couples. Once that’s gone it a strange place we live in.
It impacts me the most when I go somewhere in the car and she’s not there. Thousands of miles we spent together going somewhere. The loneliness hits me hard. At least when she was in the care home I could hold her, kiss her, tell her my thoughts. Even that’s been snatched away.
Dementia is horrible and grim. And I’m not sorry she is free of that now with its degradation and deterioration. But when she had times when she was content in the home it was good to be there and share her life.
Peter
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Hi Matt, I know what you are feeling I lost my wife of 27 years to cancer on the 2nd Oct, its crap, I have tried to cut back posting on here as its very nice and allows you to talk, I also felt that its is easy to get in a rut of negative emotions here as thats why we come here and I dont want to be that person. I still miss Trudy with a passion, it isnt easing, you just get better at dealing with being in pain, I am trying to find one thing a day that makes me smile and would of made my wife happy, somedays I fail, somedays I dont but the thing is not to give up trying, its only recently I have stopped going to bed hoping that I dont wake up so thats movement forward, take care bud
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Great post @Atrum . My husband killed himself on 8 October; 7 weeks today, the funeral was 3 weeks today, it was also his birthday today, and I collected his ashes today, so on balance, it was a helluva crap day!
As a pragmatist, I know I must carry on, which I am doing, of course it’s tough, but in time, I will make a new life without him.
I found the third week to be the worse, uncontrollable sobbing at the drop of a hat. Last week wasn’t too bad, then i had a wobble and took several steps back.
The way I am dealing with it, (against my nature, but it is helping), is to just face up to what I am feeling at the time, and ‘roll with it’, so that may be sitting doing sod all, sorting out paperwork, crying, having a dark sense of humour (believe it or not that does help), doing something I enjoy, and everything in between.
Except for today, the past couple of days haven’t been ‘too’ bad (famous last words).
All the best.
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Thank you for all your posts, it really helps, Mel’s funeral is tomorrow, it’s safe to say that it will be the worst day of my life but somehow I’ll have to get through it.
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@Matt6 It cannot be any worse than when you lost her, you will absolutely get through tomorrow and make her very proud of you. I got through it 3 weeks today, and on reflection, it wasn’t ‘as bad’ as what I thought it was going to be.
Best wishes for tomorrow and the future, you will do just fine.
Very best wishes for tomorrow. I have my dear Deb’s funeral on Sat, so am kind of building up to where you are.
I hope things go as well as they can
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