Losing my wonderful dad 9 years ago today

Hi everyone,
It’s been some considerable time since I’ve posted a message, but today I felt I had to write something. Today my wonderful father passed away nine years ago and the pain I feel today is just as great as the day he died. Also he passed away only eight months after my mother died. So I’d hardly had any time to grieve her loss before my dad died too. To say I was left reeling from the loss of both my parents would be a massive understatement and the circumstances in which they both died were almost identical. They both passed away in the same hospital in virtually the same ward. So it felt like I was reliving the nightmare over and over again. I’m an only child, so the burden of everything fell solely on me. I do have family, but let’s just say they weren’t and still aren’t very supportive at all. The best way I could describe them as, is ‘indifferent’ they only contact me if I message them first. Unfortunately I do have one cousin who’s been extremely patronising and rude, to the point that she no longer replies to my messages. I’ve tried to extend a metaphorical olive branch, but got nowhere. I’m also now facing serious health issues of my own, which will result in me having to undergo a hysterectomy operation in the next three months and although other members of my family are being supportive, well as supportive as they allow themselves to be, she has totally ignored all my attempts to contact her. So, I’m facing the prospect of dealing with all this alone. Thankfully, I do have friends who’re willing to support me and for that I’m extremely grateful. This first few months of 2023 will be extremely tough, as not only is today the anniversary of my dads death, next month will be the anniversary of his funeral and also his birthday month. Plus it’s also the month I lost my grandmother in 1992 and her funeral anniversary too. So I’m trying to deal with all this on top of my health issues and the toll it’s taking on my stress levels is immense. When I think back over the last ten years and all I’ve been through, I honestly don’t know how I’ve coped and am still currently coping. I miss my parents every single day and think about them every single day too. I’ve had some bereavement counselling, but the pandemic has been instrumental in shutting down a local bereavement group I was due to attend. Also, I find that people aren’t very receptive to me talking about my feelings of grief. They get that look, that says, ‘oh my god, hasn’t she got over it yet’ and then it makes me feel guilty for feeling this way and that shouldn’t be the case at all. I feel like screaming at them, you don’t understand how I feel and telling me to just ‘get over it’ is insulting in the extreme. Anyone who’s suffering loss of a close family member, friend or partner knows that you don’t just ‘get over it’ you learn to live with it, but you never, ever get over it. Even nearly ten years on, I still feel the raw pain of losing my parents and that’ll never go away. I’ve also changed as a person, cause grief changes you fundamentally. I know I’ll never be the same person as I was when my parents were alive, but I’m trying to be the best version of myself that I can be now and that’s so hard to do, but what’s the alternative ?:woman_shrugging::woman_shrugging::woman_shrugging: It’s either evolve and live, or stagnate and forget about everything, including living. I’ve had to be so strong over the last ten years and if I’m honest, I don’t know how I’ve managed it, but somehow I have. I hope everyone who’s lost a parent manages to cope in their own way, cause everyone’s grief journey is different, but no less painful. I’ve got a lot of very painful anniversaries coming up in the next few months, as well as my own health issues to deal with, but just giving voice to my feelings has been cathartic and even if no one reads this message, it’s helped me in what’s been an extremely difficult day.
Thank you


Thank you for sharing this with us, @Jayne66. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum and dad. I wanted to let you know that you’ve been heard. :blue_heart: Please do keep reaching out for support as you cope with the anniversaries, and your health issues, we’re here for you.

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Hi Seaneen,
Thank you for your kind words, I felt I had to post something yesterday, as it was the anniversary of my dads death, plus I’m feeling so emotional at the moment. Having to deal with my own health issues, as well as the ongoing grief for my parents.:pensive: I’m also recovering from a particularly nasty cold and covid infection, which I caught just before Christmas, so having to deal with all this and some serious health issues over the next few months has left me feeling extremely vulnerable and if I’m honest totally overwhelmed. I also lost a dear friend and neighbour just before Christmas and had to attend her funeral. This particular loss came as a big shock, especially as I’d only seen her the week before she died. So 2023 has started off on a very stressful note. I’m just taking one day at a time at the moment, cause quite frankly that’s all I can cope with at the moment. I’ve another hospital appointment in February and then it’s just a case of waiting for a date for my surgery. All this stress is taking its toll on my mental and physical health and I’ve been suffering from stomach upsets, primarily as an after effect of the covid infection I had, but I also think it’s a result of the stress I’m under at the moment. So thank you for allowing me to share my experiences, however painful they may be and I’d be grateful for any help and/or support the Sue Ryder Online Community can give.
Thank you


Hello, I am so sorry to hear about what you are still going through. It sounds like you have had and are still going through a difficult time. I lost my Mum over Christmas and I am trying to seek some solace from these pages. I, like everyone else on here, feel pain - although will be different for all of us. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but they often seem trite in the face of grief. People don’t often know what to say to the grieving and unfortunately it’s not until they are in pain themselves will they understand. All I can say to you is that you are heard and your feelings are valid and matter. You must have moved deeply and that is something to be proud of . X

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Loved deeply sorry not moved….