I lost my mother 2 weeks ago, it’s very fresh. I feel numb, don’t want to talk to anyone, want to be alone in bed and asleep. I feel like if I’m asleep I’m with her. I talk to her out loud and started writing letters to her in a notebook. I regret not coming sooner to see her, I wish I had come sooner. I didn’t cause her illness but perhaps I could’ve helped her sooner. I had a dream about her making recovery out of the hospital but then her heart stopped anyways and it felt like it was a message to say that it would’ve happened either way. It was a frightening dream. I do wonder if anyone else has had dreams or any supernatural experiences? My sister has had a couple of our mum and she said it felt real. I just wonder if anyone else has had it. I hope there is truth to all of this. I’m lost without her. She’s my best friend
Hi Zara12
I am so sorry for your loss and where you find yourself now.
My partner died 4 months ago and so much of what you say feels familiar.
The numbness I had a lot of, I’ve been told it’s our nervous systems way of protecting ourselves.
So many regrets. If only I had done this/that differently, loved her more, held her more. The list is endless.
I dream about my partner all the time. She’s happy and no longer ill. I dread waking up some days as I know she won’t be there.
I have long conversations with her. Quite often our loud, which gets odd looks in tesco’s. It often feels like she is with me.
The dreams, conversations and feeling that she is with me make things seem easier.
I really don’t like the phrase ‘be kind to yourself’. But now is probably the time you most need to be kind to yourself.
Keep posting on here. The group is really supportive.
Hoping you find some peace.
Hi Zara, I’m so incredible sorry for your loss. I lost my mother on the 1st September, even though she had ovarian cancer it was still much sooner than was what was expected. I was 31 and she was 64 and I just feel like time was taken from her. I remember the night before she passed, I just couldn’t sleep and stop thinking about her. I believe that there was some reason for this. There is so much power and strength and love around us even if we don’t see it. Sending you so much love x
Hi Claire, I sent you a message but I don’t know where it disappeared to. I feel like our timings are similar, my mother is also 64 and I’m 29. And it happened on 10 September, worst day of my life. I’ve been struggling to sleep, I just lie awake at night thinking about her. I’m trying hard to sleep but also get a bit too scared to get up at night, not sure why. I keep remembering what has happened and it’s just in this never ending cycle. How are you coping?
Hi Zara, I’m so sorry I can’t seem to find your message. Honestly, I couldn’t agree more, it seems to be first thing in the morning I wake up and I’m almost like did that even really happen? It just feels so surreal. It occupies my thoughts all the time, even when I’m doing things it’s there lingering. It sounds like your body is in almost a shock like state which is completely understandable! I think we also don’t expect to lose a parent at our age, so feels like wrong on another level even though I completely get that it is hard no matter how old you are. I’m here if you want to reach out at any time. It’s nice to know someone whose going through something similar and hopefully we can help each other x
That’s exactly it. We don’t expect this to happen to us. Especially at our age. At least if our mothers were in their 80s, it would still hurt so much but at least they’d have a long life and we’d be in our 50s in a more mature state to deal with this. We can’t even say she’s had a long life, feels like time has been stolen from her. I’m getting married soon and she was meant to walk me down the aisle. Not sure how I’m going to walk down without bawling my eyes out that she’s not there. I’m sorry you’ve also had to go through this at such a young age, it’s just not fair. Has there been anything you’ve done that’s helped at all?
It really does feel like time has been stolen from us, and it just doesn’t feel right. It’s hard to try and process when there’s this layer to it as well. For me, I think what’s helping is keeping her in my mind that even though she’s not here physically she’s there in another way. I honestly keep finding myself talking to her as if she’s there and seeing little signs around me that remind me of her. I’m so sorry that this happened so close to your wedding as well, that must bring up so much sadness. I’m trying to hold onto the joyful memories as well and remember that to experience grief so deeply, we must have experienced so much love first, and how lucky are we to have had that even if it was cut short. I think it’s so important to be kind to yourself and focus on that she would have wanted you as her daughter to have a beautiful and happy life and to live on through her. Also she’s never really fully gone because she lives on through you 
I get that. She’s constantly on my mind. So much so that I’m struggling to fall asleep. I find when I finally dream of something that isn’t her, I wake myself up out of guilt for not thinking of her. Don’t know if that makes sense. However, when I do dream of her I relive her time in the hospital/burial. Planning to speak to a doctor to see if there’s anything I can take to help.
The talking out loud is good, I’ve been doing that too. I also have a notebook which I write to her in and read out loud every night to a photo of her, telling her how I’m feeling and what I’ve been up to. I do cry whilst doing it but I think it helps a little. It’s just so strange to go from speaking to her on calls and now it’s looking at old memories and photos of her and asking for signs. It’s so tragic.
I started also making a list of the positives (I know it seems like there’s none) but it may help you. Things like she’s no longer suffering, no more pain, no more stress. Nobody can take your memories or love away that you have with her. She’s at peace now.
I hope you get through this. We will never get over this but hopefully in time we can get through it x
How are you coping?
These sound like really lovely ideas. I’m doing ok I think, just going back to ‘normal’ feels a bit unusual. I just want the world to stop for a bit longer. I’ve pretty much slept on and off all day, but I can feel that I’m a bit irritable but I think it’s because of how I feel. How’re you doing xx
I went to the office today for the first time. It was okay, when someone asked how I was feeling I had to try and hold it together. I really want time to move faster so I can see her again sooner. Feels so long away and it fills me with dread. I look at old people now and want to be their age so I’d be closer to it. Probably not the healthiest way to look at things but can’t help it