So I lost my dad 14 years ago in 2010, only just come to terms with it last year,
Lost mum this march 2024, grief hasn’t hit me yet, I running on auto pilot my partner is disabled and we have 2 kids who each have special care needs, the begging of the year we were so positive and embracing the future, prior to losing mum we also lost a baby we have spoken about it and we’ve come to understand it wasn’t the right time, since losing mum I have discovered that I never truely discovered who I am, my own personality,
What I mean is my whole life I have adapted and adjusted to the needs of the family I was born into an older family due to there prior years each of my parents we disabled and medically retired in my early years, I started saying goodbye to relatives from the age of 8 years, my brothers each had there own health issues, so I was always up and sorted first to assist and help my family for the day ahead,
The whole year was planed out and very structured I had 14 dates that were expected of me to return to the family home to celebrate,
Since my parents deaths and the disconnection of the rest of my family
I have no structure to my life if like I have disconnected my partner and kids are suffering due to me not having any idea how I’m behaving or the atmosphere I’m giving off we recently had a huge argument and had space from each other it was the roughest week on record we been back connected for 10 days now and the row has started again as I keep unplugging from the family not being present but I don’t know why my mind keeps doing it
How do I create a life and personality for myself now ? I’m 37 next month I should know who I am by now
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread. I’m so sorry to hear about your parents. Feeling disconnected and lost is normal, grief can bring up new emotions. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
I’m sorry for your losses. I lost my mum on March too, and pretty much all of my family are now dead too. I have no brothers or sisters. Sometimes I feel myself really panicking about how life has changed and I can’t go back to being a child. I am lucky to have my husband and children but I know what you mean about feeling a massive sense of dislocation and disconnection. It comes and goes though. I hope your partner can give you space but be supportive too. I’m hoping time will help heal. X
Thank you for sharing, I’m sorry to learn of your loss, I don’t know where time has gone, it feel like yesterday we were scrambling our stuff and funds to get down to her I knew the night before she passed somthing wasn’t right, I made the decision to find child care for my step children and we called everyone we could think of to look after them once we finally found someone I was struggling to stay awake and my partner had us pull over as we live 110 miles from where I grew up and my mother was we were asleep in the car 55 miles away when I received the call at 5.30 in the morning, her care giver wasn’t happy about her condition the night before so she went in early, I was broken unable to stand let alone drive by the time we reached my mothers home the police coroner had already collected her due to it being Easter weekend I was unable to see her and then due to the holidays and the back log it was 3weeks before she made it to the hospital morgue , by then I was advised by the undertakers that her casket would be sealed I never got to say goodbye, the funeral happened in may, and then we laid her and my father ashes to rest, I have so many regrets, due to the distance it dose not feel real, every morning when I wake up I don’t know what to do it’s like I lose her again every day, I’m so alone, lost where do I go from here? Where do I start, I cared for her a week on my own bathing washing dressing her, and it broke my mentally in early feb after she had been in hospital, during that time my partner had a fall and broke there wrist n 3 ribs there disabled, I was torn between return home to care for my partner and my mother,
Not being able to be in two places at once destroyed me, I ended up losing my job, we were evicted, savings are gone my partner is holding it togther for the kids but I’m so so broken we’ve started arguing and our depression is getting worse they kicked me out for a while and I went to stay with a friend I’m finally back home with them but I feel myself slipping I just want to talk to my mum she always knew what to say to guide me back to the path,
But how do you find out who you are when you never knew to begin with ?
I’m so sorry, that sounds terrible. You can’t get your mind to believe it as you weren’t able to be there, which is awful for you. I was able to be with my mum which was very upsetting but more peaceful.
Im not sure any of us know who we are really. We think we do and then something huge like this comes along and it changes everything we think about life. And ourselves. I truly hope you can keep things together with your partner. They sound as if they do want to support you. I believe Sue Ryder do some counselling too? Could you access that, I wonder?
Don’t underestimate the physical and mental shock this is. It’s like being in a bad accident, it will take a long time to recover, and afterwards things may be different. But I believe you can still have a life and find who you are x
I think it’s just the massive change with grief that throws me, you are right you kind of get lost as the things you have always done, planned for etc are now different. I am in early days with losing my mum and I’m lost, so lost,but I’m slowly taking it day by day. They say it’s a process so I’m just trying to flow with it. Sending you tonnes of love and strength
I do think you will heal in time. You don’t ever forget, and some days it hurts more sharply than others, but you are able to incorporate your mum as part of you and feel like she is there somehow. I feel it will be a very long process, but that it is possible to live again. I really do hope you get that support to make it possible x