Hi, this is the first time I’ve written anything on here.
I’m 23 and I’ve lost both parents, my mum passed unexpectedly 8 years ago and my dad passed unexpectedly last year.
Last year I went to my dads the day before he passed and he wasn’t feeling very well at the time, I asked him if he wanted me to call 111 but he told me not too because he had this illness multiple times in the past and he didn’t think he needed us too. I told him to call me if he needed anything or if he wanted me to stay but he said no, I was pregnant at the time and was quite unwell myself. The next day I had messaged him to see how he was feeling and he never answered. I went there and called an ambulance but unfortunately he didn’t make it.
I’m really struggling with this. My dad had diabetes but he didn’t look after himself very well, I used to try to help but he’d say he would rather live his life the way he wanted to live it and he wouldn’t worry about the food he ate or drinks. I’m so upset and angry at myself for not making him eat better or making him get checked out. I had called 111 for him before but he had discharged himself from the hospital because he didn’t like them. Im upset that he never got to meet his first grandchild who he was so excited to meet. I just feel like all these experiences have been stolen and I would love for my parents to have both been here. I miss them so much. I considered therapy but it’s so expensive and I’m on maternity leave so it’s not something I could do right now.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I am without mine mom and dad, loving people. and you are so young. I hope you might have aunts and uncles, cousins? therapy will help. perhaps you might find an IN PERSON grief group as those are free, usually. this is a hard spot to be in. but do not feel guilt about your father. it is hard to get men to change and he told you his answer, living as he pleased.
allow time to go along, be joyous about your child who will embody your parents. bringing them back to you, in a way. and be patient with yourself. they would be so proud you are handling things a mature way, as you seem to be. 
I’m so sorry for the loss of your parents, @Emai. Losing parents at such a young age is very hard - as you say, these experiences have been stolen from you. You are not alone - many of our members have lost their parents and will understand some of what you’re going through.
I just wanted to let you know that we offer free bereavement counselling. It’s held online via Zoom, so you can do it from home. You can find out more on our website:
I’m sure someone will be along to share their support, too. Take good care 