Losing The Fight

I’m not alone. I have a husband, three beautiful children (who drive me to distraction!), two stunning horses, a dog, a sister and a best friend. You would think this would be enough support… so, something’s wrong with me.

When I was 3, I was put up for adoption with my sister (she was 5). She and I are the illegitimate/incestuous offspring of a stepfather/rapist who preyed on our mom when she was a teenager.
We were adopted to a posh family- mom/dad/brothers/grandparents and a whole host of cousins.
By the time I was 13, our new parents had had enough of my sister’s issues and put her back into the care system.
They moved me out of the county, 350 miles away- then kicked me out too at 16. Right in the middle of my decision for GCSEs. I had no home, no money, no food or clothes. My best friends mom took me in off the streets when she found out what had happened.

Social Services claimed that at 16 they didn’t have a duty of care to help me so I got a flat from the local council, rehomed a rescue Lurcher called Bailey, found a young man and had a baby.
My daughter was born when I was 18. She lived for three months before passing away of Sudden Infant Death Syndrom.
Her father and I tried to build our relationship and got married but my issues at this point were too much. We stayed together for a few years, produced two lovely children (a girl and a boy) before we separated. The father refused to have anything to do with them or pay child maintenance.

I moved back closer to my sister at 21yrs old and began building my life again. Trying to be an adult without having any idea of how to be a young single mom.
I focused on my children and my dog. They were my reasons for smiling each day. The kids went to nursery and my dog and I went for long walks and dog shows.
In time, Bailey became my confidant, best friend, brother and parent.

I remarried and had another daughter. Her father accepts all three children as does his family. But quite often I am ignored, ridiculed and isolated from family gatherings because they can’t understand how I’m so depressed all the time.
It’s easier to avoid them than try to help them understand what I’ve gone through.

14yrs have passed and my Bailey died. He was an old man, suffering in old age- I had booked the vet to do a home visit and PTS my lad. Bailey died before the vet could come out.
A year on from his death and the grief is building, swelling like a bubble. It erupts in frequent bursts- usually on my poor husband. He’s not a great house-husband. He leaves mud everywhere from his woods, saws and tools on my dining table and refuses to clean. Whereas I work 2 part time jobs, cook, clean and do everything in the house.
I’m tired from grief, work, constantly sick to my stomach with fear and anxiety.
I need somewhere to go other than my house- but I’ve no friends due to people avoiding me because of my issues.
I feel like a horrible person constantly. I’ve wanted to die repeatedly just to end this poor excuse for an existence. I feel weak and pathetic for not being strong enough to kick depression in the arse. My second marriage is nearly over because I don’t feel I am supported by him. There’s a lot of ‘me’ here and I feel selfish for being so self-absorbed. There’s nothing that can be done to help me. I know. I’ve got to somehow do it myself.

HI Pisces86

I read your very long post. I feel so sorry for you, life hasn’t been easy. The circumstances of you and your sister’s birth although horrific are nothing you had any control over and it in no way defines you. You should not feel ashamed about it. The tragic loss of your daughter at such a tender age must have been devastating. You don’t say whether you had any counselling at the time to help you work through these issues. The loss of your beloved dog Bailey seems to have bought all the past racing back. Please don’t blame your husband ( all the irritations you list really are minor in the scale of things) and you need his help and support to go forward. You said he accepts all your children as his own which is a good thing.
No wonder you are depressed - please don’t beat yourself up about it. Anyone who has gone through what you have would be the same. None of this is your fault. You are not weak or pathetic - you are a strong woman who takes care of three children and holds down two jobs.

The first thing I would suggest is a heart to heart talk with your husband explaining how you have been feeling and why he has been getting the brunt of your outbursts.
Then I think you should seek some counselling. Ask around until you find the right one. I have found hypnotheraphy very good. It certainly helps with grief, fear and anxiety. I do hope you find the help you need so that you can carry on and rebuild a happy life with your family.

Sending you a hug

Yvonne X

Thank you Yvonne. No, I’ve been offered counselling in the past but to talk about any of this brings me to tears.

I haven’t felt that traditional counselling is beneficial for me. I rely, quite heavily, on my animals to fill the voids created by what I’ve been through.

You are correct- Bailey passing was the icing on the cake. He was my crutch every time I cried. Now, I daren’t cry without him.
When I do, it feels like my heart is physically going to explode. Heart palpitations are something I’ve always had- a couple a month. Lately, that’s increased to a couple a day. You are correct- I need help. But knowing what will help is not something I know.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Kate

Hi Kate

It sounds like you have been a strong person for quite sometime with all that has happened to you, so it’s good that you are now reaching out to others and realising it’s ok to say you need support and to ask for it.

I have recently lost my dad, have no other family and I have a 10 yr old Westie called Sammy who has been my rock/security/my everything and I would be lost totally without him, I panic about losing him too, so I can totally relate to you. The loss of Bailey will bring all losses to the surface and anything that needs to the grieved will come up. In amongst my grief is an issue with rejection and abandonment so I have chosen to see a counsellor to address it but counseling is not for everyone. It’s a personal choice.

Can you talk to your GP? he/she may be able to prescribe something to help with the anxiety or depression? Even if it’s only short term. Also can you take some time off work to give yourself a break and do you have someone outside of the family you can talk to? A good friend or colleague?

Don’t worry about tears, let them flow, tears are healing and help relieve tension and anxiety.

This site is a wonderful place to write down your thoughts and what you are feeling and there is always someone on here who will resonate with you. You are never alone

Sending you a hug

xxxx

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