I’m not alone. I have a husband, three beautiful children (who drive me to distraction!), two stunning horses, a dog, a sister and a best friend. You would think this would be enough support… so, something’s wrong with me.
When I was 3, I was put up for adoption with my sister (she was 5). She and I are the illegitimate/incestuous offspring of a stepfather/rapist who preyed on our mom when she was a teenager.
We were adopted to a posh family- mom/dad/brothers/grandparents and a whole host of cousins.
By the time I was 13, our new parents had had enough of my sister’s issues and put her back into the care system.
They moved me out of the county, 350 miles away- then kicked me out too at 16. Right in the middle of my decision for GCSEs. I had no home, no money, no food or clothes. My best friends mom took me in off the streets when she found out what had happened.
Social Services claimed that at 16 they didn’t have a duty of care to help me so I got a flat from the local council, rehomed a rescue Lurcher called Bailey, found a young man and had a baby.
My daughter was born when I was 18. She lived for three months before passing away of Sudden Infant Death Syndrom.
Her father and I tried to build our relationship and got married but my issues at this point were too much. We stayed together for a few years, produced two lovely children (a girl and a boy) before we separated. The father refused to have anything to do with them or pay child maintenance.
I moved back closer to my sister at 21yrs old and began building my life again. Trying to be an adult without having any idea of how to be a young single mom.
I focused on my children and my dog. They were my reasons for smiling each day. The kids went to nursery and my dog and I went for long walks and dog shows.
In time, Bailey became my confidant, best friend, brother and parent.
I remarried and had another daughter. Her father accepts all three children as does his family. But quite often I am ignored, ridiculed and isolated from family gatherings because they can’t understand how I’m so depressed all the time.
It’s easier to avoid them than try to help them understand what I’ve gone through.
14yrs have passed and my Bailey died. He was an old man, suffering in old age- I had booked the vet to do a home visit and PTS my lad. Bailey died before the vet could come out.
A year on from his death and the grief is building, swelling like a bubble. It erupts in frequent bursts- usually on my poor husband. He’s not a great house-husband. He leaves mud everywhere from his woods, saws and tools on my dining table and refuses to clean. Whereas I work 2 part time jobs, cook, clean and do everything in the house.
I’m tired from grief, work, constantly sick to my stomach with fear and anxiety.
I need somewhere to go other than my house- but I’ve no friends due to people avoiding me because of my issues.
I feel like a horrible person constantly. I’ve wanted to die repeatedly just to end this poor excuse for an existence. I feel weak and pathetic for not being strong enough to kick depression in the arse. My second marriage is nearly over because I don’t feel I am supported by him. There’s a lot of ‘me’ here and I feel selfish for being so self-absorbed. There’s nothing that can be done to help me. I know. I’ve got to somehow do it myself.