Losing two loved ones at the same time double grief

Coping with bereavement
1

Hi, this is my first time on here because I’m feeling desperately in pain .
I usually talk to friends or a counsellor but mostly only been showing friends the up side of me, afraid they may reject my grief or be unable to be with me. I don’t have a close relationship with my mother and my disabled father died 8 years ago .
Since December 31st my uncle got taken into hospital and never came back out, I video called him daily he was a very vibrant one of a kind loving person, he was taken by Covid on 12th February funeral was 12th April last week. His house was the safe house in my life since a small child next door to my mums.
His wife was my dads sister and he was my mums brother , I lost my auntie in 2010 they were both like parents to me the ones who kept me safe and loved held in high regard, opposing my abusive childhood. Even though I was separated from them whilst living next door .
I also lost my cousin to suicide when I was 19 who I was so close with, he was my soul mate.

Just before my uncles funeral last week I got news that my mother in law has only a few months left to live, she is so very special to me but I haven’t seen for a few years because she has been unreachable but have been longing and yearning to have her back in my life with my daughter who I am a single parent to.
There is a constant 24/7 pain in my heart
so deep and intense I don’t know where to go with it I feel invisible to others, only showing the surface.
It’s a second shock wave on top of the first one and all the previous ones. I can’t see an end to it
It feels unacceptable
All of these people are being taken away from mine and daughters lives too young in such tragic ways .
I have always been the strong one in these situations the giver and the healer who holds everyone else.

2

Dear KFreedom2014,

This must be a very difficult time for you. You have lost the uncle that was like a father to you, ten years after you lost your auntie who was like a mother to you. Now that both of them are gone, you have also left the safe space their house was for you and your daughters. It is not surprising that you are feeling desperately in pain. Grief is the pain we feel for the loss of those we loved. The more we loved, the more pain we feel, especially in the first few weeks and months.

You mention that you talk to a counselor. Does he (or she) know what you are going trough at the moment so that you can get the support you need? If you can’t easily get hold of them, you could also phone a bereavement helpline to talk with someone, for example:

Marie Curie Bereavement Support: 0800 090 2309

Cruse Bereavement Care: 0808 808 1677

From what you write about your mother-in-law, I can see that you would love to be in touch with her but that circumstances have made this impossible. Maybe, now that she has been told she has only months to live, you would be able to contact her, maybe by sending a letter, to let her know that you really care about her? Your counselor may be the best person to discuss this with.

Friends can be a great help in times of grief, especially those who have experienced a loss in their own lives. It would be good if you could trust at least one of your friends enough to tell them how you really feel. True friends should be there for us in good times and in bad times.

Try not to think to far ahead, just take one day at a time. It is good you have taken the step to join this community. I hope you will find it helpful to read other people’s posts and replies.
Jo