losing younger brother and mother and estranged at the time

hi all - i havent used this site before and the passing of my brother and mother are not recent - about 2 years ago, though i was estranged at the time and still find things difficult to talk about, in moments like this especially so when learning of people moving on and how i feel about the loss and the silence of being estranged.

I realise having looked at some of the threads on here, that my story seems not either as recent nor as difficult as some - though wanted to reach out anyway as i find it difficult sleeping and moreover, being on my own difficult, and this doesn’t seem to get any easier when i feel this way - i become quite needy and dislike feeling this way - does anyone else feel like this?

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Hello @ste3, I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother and mother. Your feelings and experiences are as real, important and valid as anyone else’s, and I really hope you find the community to be a support to you.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

You can also search for similar experiences to yours by using the magnifying glass and typing in what you are looking for. Here are some other threads that talk about grieving someone who we were estranged from.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

I lost my mum about 15 months ago. Things were very difficult between us in the year before she died. She had become selfish, irrational and verbally abusive to me and my dad. I think she may have developed a form of dementia which stripped her of empathy but she was never diagnosed. She spent long periods in hospital when covid rules stopped me visiting. I don’t think she grasped how strict the covid visiting rules were and I hate the fact that she died thinking I didn’t love her and there was and never will be the chance to talk what happened through with her. I spent the last 2 days before she died with her but she was never conscious. I am also completely confused by what my memories of her are. She did do some hurtful things before as well as after her behaviour deteriorated but there were also lots more times when our relationship was good.
I tried counselling but it felt like just going over the bad stuff and I felt disloyal discussing it/it was pointless as it can’t be changed.
I don’t know whether I was just numb for the first year but it hurts more now. It hurts when I see a mum and daughter in the shops or a cafe. I am unfairly angry at her for not looking after herself.
I have a good relationship with my dad but he is nearly 90 and of a generation that doesn’t talk about feelings. I am also fearful of his age and that I don’t know how long I will have him around for. I then get cross at myself for wasting time worrying about something that hadn’t happened yet. I don’t have siblings…
My mum is the only person I’ve lost where the relationship was complicated - it seems to make grieving more complicated/confusing.

thank you Seaneen - i really appreciate your time and kind words

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Hi Ali8 - thank you for your reply and for speaking about your own story, I am really grateful - I hear what you say and hope for better days for you - I had some bereavement counselling, though this happened around covid times, and I don’t know how this sounds, though with so many people dying I felt as if it was less valid if that makes sense - my brother passed first and then my mother 6 months later - I did not go to the funerals - they had already taken place before I was made aware. We hadn’t spoken for years, and that was my choice - and I hear what you say about being angry when you see mothers and their daughters - I feel something similar I think - though for what was not and should have been - thing is it’s hard to accept that it is ok to talk about it and I bottle it up - feel like taking up time when there are other things to worry about or other people to consider - it feels like there is never enough time