My big brother (aged 39) unexpectedly passed away suddenly on the 9th July 2024. 1 month before my wedding. I think I’m still in shock as it was SO unexpected. I have lost people before including, grandparents and an uncle but this grief feels different. I can’t cope in social situations at all. I can’t stop thinking about him and although, I didn’t find him (our older sister did) she told me what he looked like and now I can’t get that image out of my head, I close my eyes to go to sleep and the image is there.
I have some things from when my mum and I cleared out his house which I can find comforting but I feel like nothing is helping. As a 25 year old, I never expected to lose my big brother.
I also get worried that people are bored of me talking about him, for example I always bring him up in conversations if it’s relevant. I’m finding it hard answering people’s question of “are you ok” because I’m not ok but it gets boring saying “no” so I’m just lying to myself and others by pretending I’m coping when I’m really not.
I’m so sorry to hear about your big brother, @Dkin. It sounds like it was such a shock to you. You’re not alone and will find support here from others who have lost their siblings. @Nick22 and @HS5842 talk about the loss of their brothers on this thread - maybe you can connect with them?
Please do talk about your brother as much as you would like to - the community is here for you.
You may also find these Sue Ryder resources helpful as you cope with the death of your brother.
- Our Losing a sibling support page
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Take care and keep reaching out,
Seaneen
Wow @Dkin. I am so sorry you are in this position. As @Seaneen has said, I lost one of my brothers so suddenly and so unexpectedly at the end of June. @Nick22 has been a huge support to me. It’s a great shock isn’t it? Our other brother found Stuart and he is experiencing flashbacks and night terrors. I am getting flashbacks too but, fortunately, nice ones. There isn’t anything that can particularly help but what I have found comforting is just talking about my brother and how it has made me feel. The hardest thing for me is actually trying to support other members of our family - our younger brother and my mum are not coping at all. It is hard being strong for them when I really need to take care of myself. You should always feel confident in bringing your brother up in conversations if it’s relevant (even if not relevant sometimes). Reading through all the other threads on here has been a help also. I am also using the app “Untangle Grief” which has a small monthly cost.
You’re right with sometimes pretending you are coping. I do that sometimes because I don’t have the energy to say anything else. Other times I will just say, no I am not and then carry on. If the person who asked is really concerned then they stay and listen until I am ready to move on with my day. You’ll start to find little things that help a bit but equally will also find yourself moving backwards. It’s just the way it is. Please do continue to chat on this thread if you want to. I will always listen and try and provide some support if I can. All good wishes (and congrats on your recent marriage). Heather
Thank you for your lovely message.
I’m sorry to hear about your brother. It’s so awful.
We actually only found out today that he had suffered from a stroke at the age of 39, it doesn’t make sense in my mind but I know it can happen. We have been waiting for a long time to get the results so I guess it’s nice to have some closure and we can register his death tomorrow now.
I 100% understand the feeling of supporting others, my older sister and mum are not coping and I have always been the strong one in our family but I am always finding my brother passing exceptionally hard so I don’t feel like I can grieve when I’m with my mum and sister which is rubbish because I want to be with them and I do go and see them but it’s not beneficial to my grieving process which then makes me feel guilty!
@Dkin Something else we have in common but we’re still waiting on autopsy results. Glad you have a cause. Poor chap.
I did a couple of counselling sessions which helped me see I have to take care of myself - can’t fix others, that’s up to them, as hard as it may seem.
Hope you have a restful evening.
Oh bless you. I hope they come back soon.
I have signed up to the online counselling sessions, I understand there is a waiting list so fingers crossed I get on soon otherwise I may become a hermit!
Hello Heather,
I have noticed that you are posting again. How are you?
I found being with others does help a lot. I am in the local park 4 times a week talking to others and spoiling the dogs with treats. I also still got to the jigsaw group on Mondays and have a meal on Tuesdays at our community support centre. I am still not getting enough sleep and it gives me a lot of trouble at the moment. I always forget to get some more sleeping tablets when I go shopping but managed to get some today. I am sorry to hear that you brother is not well.
Take care of myself.
Nick
Hello Heather,
Sorry, I mistyped, I ment yourself. - My brain brain is still not working well. It will probably take another year.
Take care of yourself.
Nick