After six months I have taken the time to step back and gather my thoughts of the past six months. We all know the severity of the initial pain it cannot be explained unless you have experienced it yourself.
I had such a bad day on Wednesday I couldn’t face going to work so I attempted to address some menial paperwork things that I have been putting off for sometime sorting out a speeding fine and a few other bits that normally I would have done without thinking about, but suddenly I started to become anxious and panicking over a speeding fine and then I realised.
I have totally lost me yes me .I am the strong confident guy always joking happy go lucky and nothing would phase me but that’s not me anymore. I sat on the sofa ten minutes ago and said to myself you have lost you Mojo in life and yes I have. I am no longer the confident happy go lucky guy.
I am sad person with a fake laugh and smile , I am not happy and never will be, I am wandering aimlessly every day as an empty shell walking the planet .I have no feelings I do not want to socialise I and I even intentionally miss family gatherings.
I have prostate cancer and I cannot even be bothered going to my check ups because I no longer care. We can hide and disguise the pain but in truth it is there when you go to bed and it is there when you wake up .Everyday reminds you of what you had and who you were . Every song you hear are a constant reminders ,memories turn to sadness because they have gone never to return.
I read on here the other day that the second year is worse than the first because you can look back in the first year to where you were and what you were doing with your partner this time last year, even though good memories turn to rears but the second year you cannot do that as you can only look back on the miserable sad life your now living.
I realise I will never be able to be my old self again because Jane made me the person I am or was without her then I am nothing and I have nothing .
@JohnP1961 I know exactly what you mean. I lost my partner just over 6 months ago. I know I am not the same person I was. Someone else posted on here recently it is like all the colour has gone out of life, and that is exactly it. We go through the motions of life but the “zest” for life has gone.
I just keep hoping one day a glimmer of colour returns.
Hello John
Thank you, you have written exactly how I feel seven months after losing my husband. In fact, I was trying to put everything into words myself.
I used to be so confident, would get on with anything put in front of me. Now, I worry about everything and some days do not want to get out of bed.
I still cannot watch tv progs we watched together, nor listen to music. Cooking and eating is a struggle whereas they used to bring so much pleasure.
I meet my friends and see my brother and it’s pleasurable enough but I always have to come back to the empty apartment and my awful lonely existence.
My life with Richard was wonderful and even when he was so poorly we made the most of it. He enriched my life so much.
I want to live my life as best I can for him because he would wish that. I hope to move to a retirement apartment next year where I won’t be so lonely.
John, I would urge you to keep having your prostate checked. Richard’s cancer moved to his and it caused him the most dreadful problems at the end of his life.
Sending best wishes, Rosemary
@JohnP1961 I get you. I’ve been there, I still am there some days but but good my other half would be pissed. He would be telling me to get up, get dressed and get out because he would love the opportunity that I have.
He was a fun loving, happy go lucky guy, nothing really fased him. He lived a very full life and had so many plans for himself and us. He would have lived his life. No doubt he would be devastated if roles were reversed but he would live his life. So I live for him because he can’t.
Yes, I have bad days but then I get the big girl pants on and crack on again. That’s all we can do.
@JohnP1961 i could of written your exact words, you describe it so well, im 10 and a half months in and just feel so lost without him. I try and put my mask on, and i use sport to help cope but it doesnt hide the feelings of emptiness, loneliness and feeling robbed of my amazing hubby and our future. He gave me so much confidence and all that has gone and apart from seeing a few friends and family, i dont really socialise like we used to.
Its comforting to know we’re not alone in feeling this way xx