I am so so sorry for the loss of your ex-partner.
I know everyones experience is different and unique but on some level , I and others can relate to you.
I lost my ex-partner nearly 3 years ago suddenly.
For me, as well as feeling devastated with grief, the guilt and self-shame was very overwhelming. Both for choosing to step away from the relationship before he died and then his death. These feelings have not gone away for me but they come in waves now rather than a constant drowning feeling. And I have a lot more time inbetween these waves now. Its also a bit easier to sometimes see the waves coming (certain triggers and anniversaries) now. Which helps me plan a bit of space and time to allow myself to feel what I need to feel and to also remember the happy times together.
I can remember the first year being just horrible. The waves were not waves but more like a constantly stormy sea I was drowning in and at times going to very dark places myself. I did reach out for support and help and I hope everyone else in this position does too.
But it did get easier. Suicide adds in SO much guilt and shame to the grief which doesnt help! Guilt needs to just **ck off!
Those are powerful feelings and can make it harder to process the other feelings of loss, have you got people around you supporting you?
It really is worth looking at bereavement counselling. Or just GOOD quality talking therapy.
I didn’t in the early months and first year. To be honest, because of self-shame and guilt over my ex-partner’s death, but I am now looking at counselling
Thank you for posting on here.
It helps others who have been through similar to not feel so alone.
I am new here and I also find it helpful to read about other people’s experiences. It feels like a safe and supportive space