Loss/guilt/what the fuck is next?!

I was 30 when I lost my wife (34) almost 2 years ago. I’m sure this is said a lot but she was the last person who deserved to go through the battle she did.
Her whole life was spent in a struggle in one way or another. She always would prioritise people who in no way deserved her love and care above herself. She suffered for this and craved their love in return.
She suffered for 18 months before she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died exactly 5 months and 12 hours after diagnosis.
I came into my own caring for her - although seeing her decline, never expected her to die. I was told countless times I should become a nurse whilst caring for her - but she was my focus. I memorised her meds, the times, how to administer purely for her. To make it as easy as it possibly could be.
She died in our bed. Her clothes on her pillow next to me since.
I’ve spent the past 2 years (almost) ignoring the fact she’s gone. But I’m now having nightmares of when she suffered most and waking to panic.
I think I hear her, see her and feel her next to me.
What the fuck is the first step to acceptance? Because 2 years in I just feel lost.


All our journeys are different and I have just responded to another comment you made on another post.

Our journeys are personal and we all move at our own pace. I lost my partner suddenly and unexpectedly, he was 49. Nothing prepares you for the shock and heartache.

I still sleep with his hoodie every night and if I’m not at home it comes with me. My partner was a glass full kind of guy, loved by many and it’s hard moving on but I’m doing it. He would want me to. He’s with me every day helping me get through this. I get signs, I feel him, sometimes I don’t quite believe any of it and it’s all a shit show.

I have days where the grief hits hard and I let it happen and let it out. Then I’m ok for a while and by ok, I mean I work, laugh with the girls, go out, go away in my van. Life goes on, I can’t stop it . I could also live for another 40 years and my Rich would not want me to be in pain for all of that time.

Grief is always there, it just gets easier to cope with, it will never go away but that doesn’t mean you can’t live. You potentially have 60+years to live.

Apart from the obvious, what do you want from life, what did your wife want for you?