loss of a partner

how do you get over the what if,s?

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Well I know it’s hard, I guess you focus on the positives. Also we are humans, not robots, not perfect. Your loved one would know you loved them.

Hi
Thank you for your reply
As you rightly say we are all human
My partner died of alcoholic liver disease
I loved him dearly and kept advising him to go to a support group or into rehab but unfortunately he never did
I just wish i d been with him when he passed away at his home but sadly i didnt find him until a day later. I keep telling myself hes at peace now but still cant stop wondering if it may have been different had i been there
Thank you for listening. Take care.

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Hi
I’m the same I have a lot of what if’s
My partner wouldn’t go to the doctors although I tried everyday for him to make an appointment also the morning he told me he felt ill and I left him to go to work he later collapsed and that morning was the last time I spoke to him
Again IF I’d have stayed at home with him would he still be here now it’s so hard not knowing take care

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Hi Amelia,

I don’t want to bring up the past for you, but seeing your honesty in how your partner died makes it easier for me to admit to the same. In my case my wife of 24 years who passed away a month ago. Like you I was not there when it happened, halfway across the world returning from a business trip (I got a message from the cabin crew during the flight to contract ground staff as soon as the plane landed) that I would not gone on if I had known she was that unwell, in fact she had appeared to be quite the opposite, having recently turned her world around in a positive direction mentally and also her health had appeared to have improved quite dramatically.

Like you the feeling of if only I had been there is quite overwhelming. The question of whether or not I could have got help tears me apart every second of every day. I suppose that the prognosis was never going to be good but not being there when it happened so she was also on her own. Earlier this year another friend passed away, but in her husband’s arms. If only we could have had the same. Despite the obvious problem she was still my soul mate and my world and despite some of the things she said to me as the alcohol took over I still believe I was also her world. I understood the demons that drove her to it which was why I stood by her slowly killing herself with alcohol for the last 15 years of our marriage. As you said, she is now at peace but I think to myself every day why did it have to be this way?

I often think, was it my fault? Did I do the wrong things when trying try and help her because my father also died of the same thing, so sometimes my reactions were not as supportive as maybe they should have been. Sometimes discussing the problem rationally, sometimes shouting because I couldn’t cope, often hiding the bottles and wine boxes and sometimes begging her to accept the problem. But nothing worked. Each time she went back into hospital over the past 2 years or so the doctors told her that her only hope was to completely stop drinking, but she would reply with “what do they know, I only have one glass of wine a day” despite the evidence on the Tesco online delivery statements of a wine box a day. Each time I would spend every hour of every day of visiting time at her bed side. Each time seeing the partial recovery day by day. It all seems to have been for nothing.

Maybe there are more appropriate forums to post this, but I can’t find any. I could write a book about the whole story of how the problem with alcohol began, how it affected our lives and the tragic end. I am now seeing a counselor on a weekly basis so I suppose the full story will burst from my heart over the coming weeks. But will it be the same?

To anyone who finished reading this post. Thank you.

Hi Trevor. I m deeply saddened to hear about your loss.Firstly i realize that alcohol dependency is an illness and is often misunderstood by those who have not either experienced it or have a loved one go through it
like yourself i accompanied steve on numerous hospital visits and he was told point blank if you do not stop you will die
He often did stop for a few weeks going cold turkey but would suddenly say he was having just one but it never was and it was like being on an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs. I tried many ways to support him but it never worked
i also used to get angry and frustrated with him too
but only because i cared and loved him dearly. Even when he was unkind. to me i stood by him as i knew he couldnt help it as he was battling his demons yet again
Sadly we had a minor row when i last saw him alive
so i never got to make my peace with him before he died
I had been beating myself up mentally over that and ended up in hospital as i did something foolish
However i now realise that he knew deep down that i adored him and he wouldn’t of wanted me to feel that way because he loved me too
I found Steve in his flat and it was too late he had gone. I wish i had been there with him when he died to give him comfort and tell him i loved him one last time but i couldnt of saved him as he was to far gone
and i believe the outcome would of been the same either way
not a day goes by where i do not think about him and miss him
He will always be alive in my heart
I hope you are finding the counselling helpful and that you have a good support network of family and friends as i have. Take care and feel free to message me any time

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Hi Trevor
My husband drank heavily on and off throughout our marriage. Little did I realise he had kept a secret from me that he had a serious lung condition that he had hidden as “asthma”. He died within three weeks of a sudden downturn in his health. I am bereft with what ifs. Why did he keep his real illness a secret? I realise now the drinking was probably related to his prognosis of impending death. I know that if I had known the truth about his health I might have been proactive in getting him better treatment but he chose not to tell me or our grown up children. Right ur wrong it’s what he did. I’m struggling with what ifs. I can’t offer any advice except keep on going. That’s what I’m going. Putting on my makeup and going to work each day and spending my nights with the what ifs? When the pain will ease I don’t know …

Hi Eve,

My wife’s drinking was never a secret, although perhaps it was in her mind. Having a father who also died from the same thing means I can detect it despite anyone’s best attempts to hide it. She never hid the idea of having a glass of wine from me, but the evolution to over a box per day over the years was so obvious. The sad thing is that even at my age I like to party with the best of them at times but have been fortunate enough not to inherit the addiction. Her father essentially died of the same thing and she was the unlucky one from that standpoint…

I never knew the full extent of the progression Peggy’s illness because the doctors simply refused to give me any details because she he never got around to signing the consent form. All I ever had were my best guesses from the snippets of information I overheard, including a blunt instruction from one consultant that if she didn’t stop drinking she would die. Sadly she had a streak of stubbornness that meant she thought she knew better and that everything could be cured by homeopathy. Given what I have subsequently found out with search after search after search on the internet and comparison to her symptoms, her upturn was in all probability false hope. The What if of if only I had not gone away tears at me more and more day. People tell me that I should only look forward, but it is just not that easy. Over the past two and a half years there had been eight occasions when because I was there, we had got her to hospital just in time. This might have been the ninth. After quite a battle we managed to prevent a post mortem because she would have hated it, but my son and I will never know the detail of what finally caused it her body to give up the battle. This unknown will follow me to the day I join her, and although I’m not young this is probably going to be for a long lime.

I kick myself for not dragging her to rehab when I first noticed the problem was a serious as it became, or at least attempt to. She would never have forgiven me because she was always such a proud person, so I suppose I would still have lost her anyway. But at least she might now still be alive.

I try to keep going. Today I paid for her funeral and booked a holiday. So something to look forward to, I hope. Yesterday It went to work to take my mind of things, but had to do some paperwork related to my trip to Houston during which she died. I only just made it out of the office and back home before a major met down in front of everyone. I am lucky that I can work from home, but her absence in unbearable. I also have to go through the room where she passed away each day, so the although I need to work I am stuck between a rock and a hard place on the location. It also doesn’t help that when I drive to work I have to pass the woodland burial ground where she now rests.

Although only just over a month has passed, the pain seems to get worse each day, or at the least the extent of the melt downs is getting worse. What started weeks ago as a few tears here and there has progressed to uncontrollable almost screaming. Alcoholism is the cruelest of diseases because the mind prevents a cure. The big unanswered question of WHY is never going to go away.

Pouring my heart out on this site does help a bit though. In fact typing this has perhaps been the only feeling of calmness that I have had today. Living alone is so difficult when this happens, my son is at university so has essentially left home although he does come back to visit when he can. We are very close and it is only that plus my two adorable dogs that keep me going…

Take care
Trevor

I can see it’s going to take some time

I lost my partner jayne of 12 years just over 2weeks ago due to pancreatic cancer but was short illness as only been bad about 3 months but only found out 3 weeks before she died she had it and am struggling and needed her and my family support but looks like i can not rely on her family as we only had funeral thursday and yesterday her daughter came to our house and as jayne left no will says mam always said they have house if anything happened to her so they going to sell house and i can have first option to buy it which am upset as house and money last thing on my mind i just reaching out any way i can for support as i struggle from depression and jayne was one who prevented me from suicide when i was fighting for custody of my disabled son only to be told as could not get him back to his mam as wanted to be with me by courts that i could not see him and she kept me going and now am struggling again ans not got her as it her am struggling over and feel let down by her family over this and hope you cam comfort me and advise me also how to cope

Hi am alana my partner jayne just died and was fine until end of august and started to get pains in her back i kept nagging her to go to docs but would not and then she ended up in bed all day everyday and wanted her to go hospital but would not so eventually went to docs but still would not go to hospital and by the time i got her to go to hospital was too late cancer was all over her body and i just keep thinking what if i forced her to go earlier might of had a chance am missing her dearly everyday an

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