Loss of a unborn baby 21weeks old

Losing a child
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Miss Monroe ‘money’ Summers :yellow_heart:
Born at 21weeks
4:18am
0.8lb

The world is so cruel and snatches life Befor even giving the life to live.

A Diagnosis of an abnormality in your unborn baby propels you into a strange alternate universe where everyone around you seems callously happy. You are still outwardly pregnant, and people congratulate you, but you are living with the poisoned chalice of knowledge and choice.

I think all women should have the absolute say over their bodies and the creation – or not – of life, but I never thought It would be us making this choice- I had always thought that, in this situation, We would fight for our child no matter what.
And we have fought, we have chosen to take a lifetime of pain,so she doesn’t have to live a lifetime in pain.

Our baby girl was diagnosed with complex spina bifida at our 20 week routine scan.
Meaning the probability of no walking, no talking and No life quality. The likelihood that she would survive childhood was murky.

THIS LIFE IS HARD ENOUGH when your body works properly. What kind of life could she have had?

The past days have been a ‘blur nothing but emotions, sadness guilt heartbreak, pain devastation & most of all questions.

Questions as to why this has happened? And why this has happened to us? And her.
with a baby which was so so unbelievably wanted every second of her life inside me I craved her. I craved for her love, her skin on mine, her smell,her growth beside fox.

But the real question has no answer.
Me and my partner are so incredibly strong. So strong as individuals and even stronger together. We have just been delt a hand so unbelievably cruel and the Truth is nothing makes us any different from anyone els who has suffered the loss of a child. :sparkles:

My partner and his love for me has undoubtably shown together this choice was right. Was right for me & him and as a couple and right for us a family with fox.
Our baby girl is free. Free from been trapped in a body which was not right for her beautiful soul.

This does not define our lives or the rest of it. This gives us a new meaning to life itself. How precious every single day of been a mum and dad is. We will have more children, Not to replace or cover the loss of our girl but to live and fulfil our roles as parents we were made for this.

We are going to grieve, we are going to hurt and cry, some days more than others.
but We are not going to be ashamed to talk about what has happened.
Our culture isn’t so great at hearing about children gone too soon, it’s quite a taboo subject. I hope to change that in Monroe.

I’m not going to pretend she hasn’t been here,or I didn’t naturally birth her, That she isn’t our daughter or fox’s sister. A granddaughter. A niece. She is. And always will be a big part of us all. We are already a family of four.
We will always long for another hold of you, another kiss. Another touch of your skin a squeeze of your hand.
you will always be With us every single day.

To Our beautiful money girl we will always love you,sleep safely- yours forever mum, dad & big brother fox :yellow_heart:
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‘The death of a child goes against the natural order we expect life to follow. The loss carries with it the loss of the future, the hopes, dreams, and potential that can never be fulfilled. The longing for the child and the feeling of emptiness can last a lifetime’- LETS TALK OPENLY ABOUT THE LOSS OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL BABIES​:herb::sparkles:

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I’m so sorry and feel ur pain also I had to make a choice at 24 weeks my baby girl was not getting anything from my placenta so they said deliver her now n she will prob die or if did survive never be normal brain would have been so damaged it would make her life so hard n would have to have machines to keep her breathing for Eva that’s not fair for her or I could try steroids n hope it made my placenta do some I only needed her to make 2 more weeks and her chances of life would be so much better but its high risk I decided to try steroids give her the best chance and I lived in maternity unit I got past 1 week in a panic blur n started having hope but 2 days before my 2 weeks I felt different I was monitored alot I lY in bed and ask the midwife to check my baby she did something check my belly ect I kniw something was wrong and all she said is rest ur specialist will see u ASAP I laid all night wondering what was happening something told me inside the next morning my Dr came n said he was coming with ne for a scan n asked if my family ect was visiting me n what time I then knew what he was thinking I contacted the dad to come was my partner at the time it was his birthday also but I got rushed to a scan with my specialist in a wheel chair as soon as we went in the room I felt so sick cos it was the scan lady from Leeds she was er in Hull came just for me I froze could not feel my legs was having a panic attack I was getting scanned n they was lots of doctors n stuff just there around me and she said nothing just looked at me and then walked out I ran from the room webt outside n just stood in the smoking Area feeling blank I did not wabt to hear the words then my my mum and dad was there looking for me panicking where I was I could see them so I just ran to them n said help pls they already knew my specialist had phoned them my daughter had no Hart beat I herd them words n fell to my knees how can I carry on my baby is inside me I told myself over n over its wrong I could feel her I wanted her so much then more I got told I had to give birth in the next 24 hours I begged to be put to sleep I wanted to never wake up I had to have her natural I had. Something to bring on labour and went home till this worked as I could not face going bk in my room there I also had 3 kids at home that knew nothing yet I was in a different world had my close family with me as I just sat in a daze I was in labour and fast I never wanted her to come because then its real I held on for hours at home in agony but saying I’m not ready when I got to the hospital I was put in a special room away from everyone else and my mum was so strong for me all the way she was now crying begging me to let her come as my body was trying to bring her out I begged them to stop it but it was to late I was holding on to hope n telling myself she gonna make it she finally came out the room was silent I said is she moving check her pls they wrapped her up n brought her to me then my Hart broke I was holding my baby n she was not breathing but she looked so at rest n looked like she was just asleep I always think should I have brought her er two weeks ago but she would be brain dannaged so bad but she might have been alive I know in my Hart I did the right thing but a big bit of me has died to I struggle still and this all happen in 2012…

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Hey, I am here only because I had a second trimester loss.
My baby was born or rather loss at 20 weeks and 3 days. This was 4 years ago. Sadly, I’m still stuck in the same place. I don’t feel normal anymore. The feeling of being useless is so overwhelming. I’m a medical doctor and I couldn’t save my own child. No abnormalities in my pregnancy or my baby.
4 years have gone by, me being in a daze/trans. My husband doesn’t talk about it. Nobody does. Everyone just pretends that I don’t have a child and it’s because I’m not planning to. Nobody understands that I loss my first born even before I met him. I read somewhere that they are our angels. I don’t know how to handle this, after 4 years I’m still so stuck. I promised myself I’ll move past it and move on this year and that was 2 years ago.
So yes, I understand how you feel. It’s horrible and it never gets better.

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Neeta, I REALLY see your pain and your inability to square its with the fact you are a doctor. That is SO hard.
When I look back I really think you would do well to find a group if possible of other Mums. As women we need a sisterhood to grieve with who will truly SEE us and see our grief and we can share their grief. We need to be allowed to weep together, if need be howl together and be held. Because that is how big the pain is. And no one be else knows all those little agonising moments during the birth you had to bear alone. Anyway after the 50 years since I lost the last of my five from full term down, in the days when nurses were not kind, and some outright cruel, and there was no support, I still feel I need that and although I have worked through this and come to a lot of peace through inner work, there is still that ‘agony’ if you like that needs to be acknowledged and seen and held and SHARED, because the pain of it does not go away. It is still there deep inside, if it was not shared at the time, really shared.
I had no babies of my own though we adopted two marvellous souls and I feel so blessed to have them. But the thoughtless things people say over the years and no-one asks how it was or says they are sorry, not even my (adopted) children who have their own and one is 50 now the other 47. I think the subject is a difficult one for anybody else. A massive hug.
Antoinette

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I feel so sad after reading your story. I’ve actually lost hope of feeling normal again. With this whole Pandemic, overworking, long distance relationship and still not over my loss. I really wish I could get a hug from you.