We split up a year ago then started seeing each other again a few months after the split. He had already been diagnosed with Parkinson’s two years ago then the symptoms changed and earlier this year he was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease. His health quickly deteriorated throughout last year and he died just before Xmas. He told me early last year he thought he wouldn’t see xmas. A relief for him as he he hated what the MND was doing to his body. I felt so sad for him and emotionally exhausted all year. Although he and I knew he wouldn’t have long to live it was still a shock for me when it happened. Feelings of relief and selfishness as I felt I could finally move on with my life. Then anger that he got this terrible disease. We had known each other for nearly 7 years and lived together for 3 years on and off. Also angry that he was not truthful about his health to me from when we met, thinking back he knew he was not a well man but covered it up. Now feeling so sad and thinking about all the good times we had, such a handsome man, who I know loved me, such a witty, humorous man. I go shopping now with a heavy feeling in my heart as I miss him so much, he made shopping a delight with his humour. At my age feeling cheated that I knew him for such a short time. I feel numb about the future, can’t get enthusiastic about anything and feel I’m doing things because I ought to, trying to put on a brave face to everyone. Feeling no one truly understands how I am feeling at the moment and as we separated they probably think my feelings weren’t strong for him. I now realise how much I really loved him and loved being with him. Now that he’s gone I feel such a sense of loneliness. He was always a text call away when we split. He was my confidante. I do cry but I don’t want to get so upset. Just feel so heavy in my heart and so lonely. 7 years has gone by so quickly, being the time I knew him and now it’s all over and he has gone forever. Feeling guilty at times. When will this heaviness pass.
Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your ex-partner, who you had started seeing again, and that you feel that no one understands your grief. Your grief is completely valid and natural, even though you had split in the past - he was clearly a very important part of your life, and you will also be grieving what could have been if you had had more time to rebuild the relationship.
Some people use the term ‘disenfranchised grief’ to mean grief that may not be socially accepted or understood, often due to the nature of the relationship - and the loss of an ex can be included in this. Here is a web page about disenfranchised grief, which you might find it helpful to look at: https://whatsyourgrief.com/disenfranchised-grief/
We also had another user posting on this site last week about the death of her ex-husband - perhaps you might find it helpful to read and reply to what she’s written? You can find her post here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-bereavement/loss-ex-husband
If there’s anything I can help with, or you have any questions about this site, you can contact me on firstname.lastname@example.org.