Loss of both adult sons

Both sons died one aged 33 nearly six years ago and one aged 36 a year ago. Husband has anxiety and depression and may lose his foot/leg due to a non healing foot ulcer. It’s jyst all so lovely and so hard. I feel traumatised and alone and unable to cope with it all. Any advice would be welcome. I feel like my second son only died yesterday! I was with him as he took his last breath … had my hand on his chest. Thank you. Sue

Hello Sue
I have just come across your posting and send you my love and sympathy…to lose both of your sons must be horrendous and it is no wonder that you are struggling. It is hard enough trying to keep going for one’s own sake but you are also having to support your husband and look after him too.
I come on here as someone who lost their partner but many years ago I also lost a little daughter to cot death and although I have never forgotten her time has erased much of the pain…however, since Barry died, thoughts of Kathryn have come flooding back and I have started grieving for her all over again…it is as if losing one love has exacerbated losing another. Perhaps the recent death of your son has emphasised your former grief and now you are having to reconcile both deaths at the same time.
I don’t know what I can say that might be of use but I shall be thinking of you and your husband especially…try not to think too much about what could happen in the future but live in each moment and know that you are a very special lady who will one day find the peace we are all searching for . Try to look after yourself…keep posting and know that everyone on this site cares .X

Thank you so much for replying. I think you are right. After Pete died he had three young children who were devastated so all my efforts went on trying to help them deal with the death of their Dad. Then my husband had a real crisis and ended up in hospital… Kamie was so supportive and helped so much with it all. Then when Jamie died totally unexpectedly my husband was still depressed and had awful anxiety and the meds he was out in didn’t suit him etc. So I had to arrange his funeral with the help of a couple of friends only. It was really hard. Now my huaband is a lot better mentally but has the foot ulcer thing. I think I have just been on autopilot. It’s been very hard. Thank you for u derstabding x

Hi Sue

I am so sorry and sad to read your post on this forum and the awful time you have had. Losing both your boys must have been so difficult, because they are boys however old they might be. Although it is hard being there when someone passes away it is still a comfort in some ways to know you were there to see them through. Your son hopefully knew you were there.

It is so hard helping those who are left behind as well and it sounds as if you have done a great job for both your grand children and your husband. A huge worry for you and your husband as well. I really hope something can be done for his leg. I am sure he is getting good care from doctors for that and everything else that is happening for him.

I hope also that you are taking good care of yourself. You mention being on autopilot and it is all too easy to not take time for yourself. Even ten minutes a day sitting somewhere quietly and just being you, relaxing in whatever way works for you. You must have lots of happy memories of your boys so remember them in happier times. Did you have family holidays when they were young? Those are something I think of a lot at the moment. I have lost my parents and remembering them when they were young and fit makes me feel somewhat better.

Keep coming back here to message people. There are lots of kind people here. Although our experiences are all different we all sadly have one thing in common, the loss of those we have loved.

Mel

Thank you so much for your support Mel. It means a lot.

Mel

How very said and heartbreaking your post is, I don’t know really what to say only you have shown how stronge you are and how resilient you have became and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
Mel is right about remembering the happy times and children do remember better than us adults, so please try to tap into theses memories. It will help you to relax a little and relaxing and taking care of yourself are very important even if we find it the most difficult thing to do.
Please keep coming back to this site and just posting how you are coping helps to release some of the worries.
You take care. S

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it. It’s is such a hard time … Jamie’s birthday tomorrow … this time last year he was in the funeral place waiting for his funeral on 9th it almost seems unbelievable as though I haven’t accepted it. Jamie was so so supportive after his big brother died and when his dad was acutely ill… this time it’s such a lonely process. Thank you … I am here for others too. Sue

Hi sue, I do hope you have plans in place for tomorrow that will not only keep you busy and your mind occupied but will also allow you to say a few words to Jamie. It must be horribly for you to have the two things so close together, I will be thinking of you.
Just sat here today after a cataract removed this morning and typeing with one eye, yes it’s a bit funny. You take care of yourself over the next few days. Blessings to you and your family. XXX S

I know how you feel I lost my only child Dan who was 33 he died from a blood clot 3 weeks after an operation it will b 2 years on 24th November this year that he passed it was sudden never new it was gonna happen he died in my hallway the flash backs r terrible I cry all the time I’ve got his ashes at home I talk to him all the time, now its just me on my own

Hi Charlie, oh I can feel for you but I can’t imagine what it actually feels like to loss your son and in such a way, sorry but it is something that my brain can’t deal with.
The crying and talking to photos, yes I still do this and I’m a little further down the road of grieving than you. I now know that this is not me going mad but can be quite normal. So I think I will continue because it means so much to me.
Being on your own with all the things to deal with without having someone to talk to is another ‘normal’ in the grieving process, I have been told it makes-us stronger but do we need it? I think the main thing to take from all this is that you are not alone. On this site there are many other mums and dads who have lost there children long before they should have, do look and see if any can help but remember we are are here for you, always. Anything we can do, just ask.
Blessings S

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