Loss of Dad 17/09

Losing a parent
1

Hi everyone,

My Dad was diagnosed with a bone marrow cancer (Myelofibrosis) in Jan 2025, otherwise very fit and active - no other health problems. The MF had a good prognosis of 10years and was being reasonably well controlled. We always knew that a risk factor was that MF could change into Acute Myeloid Leukaemia (AML). Dad found a testicular lump at the end of July 2025 and this was removed mid August. After a repeated bone marrow biopsy, frequent blood tests and a general deterioration. Pending the results, we were told on 28/08 that they suspected Dad had an aggressive lymphoma but hoped it was treatable. On 02/09, we were told that the results were all back and it was AML, not treatable and Dad was given a prognosis of 3months. Dad felt that things were moving quickly and he felt that death was imminent.

On Fri 05/09, there was talk of Dad coming home and palliative care wanted to start making arrangements for this. Dad was clear that he didn’t want to die at home but we had the weekend to think about coming home in the meantime. By the Monday, Dad had deteriorated quite a bit and palliative care made a referral to our local SR hospice. Dad was moved to the hospice on Fri 12/09 and passed away in the early hours of Weds 17/09.

In Dads final weeks, he went from being a fit, active, strong, independent man to barely being able to walk around the walk, sleeping a lot, appetite was hit and miss and he was hallucinating.

Dad’s last two days were so hard to see, he couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t manage to eat/drink by himself as he was so weak and shaking.

It was in some way a huge relief that the deterioration was quick because Dad would have hated to lose his independence and to be cared for.

I don’t think it has really hit home, I’ve had days where I cry a bit, a lot, not at all. I definitely started to grieve before Dad passed and I had a lot of tears in the week were told the news. I feel that tears are a mark of how much grieving you are doing - I also know this isn’t the case. I guess emotions are raw right now and I’m seeking this safe space for validation and support.

I saw Dad twice, once on the night he passed though I didn’t get there in time. Dad went very quickly and didn’t enter that sleeping all the time phase where so many do. I visited him again in the Chapel of Rest and he looked so peaceful and so like the Dad he used to look which brings huge comfort.

His funeral is tomorrow but his wish was for a private cremation so we are marking the day in our own way as a family.

My Dad really was a true hero, ex-army, my best friend, my buddy :heart:

2

Hello Thegirlwithyy

Thank you for bravely reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad .You are not alone. I’m not sure if you’ve seen our Losing a parent category. But there you can connect with other members who are living with grief after losing a parent.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support to you. In the meantime, you might find these Sue Ryder resources helpful to read.

I hope you find the community to be a support to you. Take good care and keep reaching out :blue_heart:
Naoise

3

Very sorry for the loss of your Dad and I hope the funeral yesterday went as well as it could. I wanted to reach out as I lost my mum a week after your dad and I am having similar mixed days. Some days I cry almost non stop and others it’s just the odd tear. Whilst I also know that mentally I am no different between the days, I think it makes people around me think I’m coping more than I am. The truth is I have been in pre grief for the last month since my mum’s cancer really took hold. I cried so much in this time and then when I had the shock last week that we’d actually lost her as I still hoped palliative care would help her pick up. I think some days I don’t cry so much because I’m just exhausted. Then someone will mention the funeral or something about my mum and the tears will start again. I think some days I’m just better at burying the tears than others. I’m finding it really hard to know how I’ll be each day and try to regulate myself. I do think I might seek some therapy in the future to try and talk through how I feel.

4

I’m so sorry to read this and to hear your experiences. We are two weeks since Dads passing now, I feel quite flat and numb today, no tears but not myself. I think I may need some therapy too to discuss the speed at which everything happened and to help bring out the raw grief and disbelief that I know is in me somewhere. Although grief has no timeline, I want to know I’m somewhat over the raw bit before I return to work. But maybe I never will be. I hope you have good support around you and people you can talk to :heart:

5

Flat and numb describes exactly how I feel. My husband and friends ask every so often how I am but nothing has changed and I don’t feel it will. This loss is unrecoverable. I am off work and don’t plan to hurry back. I know life has to go on but right now I don’t feel strong enough to manage the demands of work with how I feel.

6

I understand that totally, I work in healthcare and have a public facing role. The last thing I can think of at the moment is looking after other people and having to listen to their moans and groans about the littlest of things. When there are far bigger problems for people.

I actually think I’ve been so busy with doing things since Dad passed that I need some time to just sit and process some of what has happened. It’s great to be well supported and have friends to meet but it doesn’t give me that quiet time.

7

My job is similar in being public facing. I teach and therefore am expected to put my problems to one side and put on a brave face. As you say, it puts everything else into perspective though.

I have been choosing quiet time over meeting people at the moment. I just can’t manage small talk or people walking on egg shells around me. It is all so exhausting.