Hello
I lost my dad at the end of June in a horrific house fire. The call went thru to the fire brigade at 4.48pm. I received a call at work (3 mins walk away) and ran to his house by 5pm but could only stand and watch knowing my dad was in there and there was nothing I could do.
I have massive guilt that when I ran up, the police couldn’t stop me quickly enough (there was still fire engine’s and response units arriving etc) and I managed to get right opposite his livingroom window for a minute but didnt shout for him (I think I was so taken aback by the strength of the fire). If I had, and if he was conscious or even unconcious but could hear at that point, he’d have known I was with him almost the whole time and he didnt die alone.
I stood for an hour until they had the fire under enough control that they could confirm they had found him.
Nearly 16 weeks later I think I still feel absolutely numb but I mostly dont have any clue how I feel. The stuff we’ve (my brother and I) have had to do has been unimaginable and harrowing.
I returned (wasnt given an option) to work immediately after the funeral (3 weeks) but have now taken some time off work as I know I’m not dealing with this in any kind of way which probably isn’t healthy. To be honest, I have no idea how to even start dealing with any of this. I havent really cried and still feel I’m just on auto pilot.
Has anyone else suffered a loss like this - how do you start coming to terms with it? I can only be off work for so long but its the last place I want to be - I feel as if I can barely breathe some days and I’m still dealing with so much paperwork and contractors etc that I just feel overwhelmed at times. Work wasnt particularly understanding of the situation I found myself in which was very unhelpful.
I’d be happy to listen to all advice. I know if this happened to a friend how horrific I’d find the situation they were going thru but im not sure I see or feel that way about myself. Its so hard to describe and it doesnt make much sense. Sometimes, I think it’s obviously not really that big a deal because I dont feel anything but the logical part of my head says that cant possibly be true.
Thanks for listening…