Loss of Dad

I lost my Dad on 13/6/2018. Still trying to come to terms with it. Always a smile on my face when around others but inside just want to break but I can’t. My dad was a difficult man during his life, I was always left with the feeling that it didn’t matter what I did it was never good enough he was always disappointed.
Dad was ill for nearly 5 years with Cancer at the hospice I slept next to his bed the last two nights of his life and missed his passing by 10 minutes due to it being my daughters birthday.
I watched him go from being this intimidating man to someone who couldn’t get out of bed, stand or even talk at the end.
I feel guilt that I was not there for him that I failed him once again, and upset that I will never know why I was never good enough

Oh Cinders, no!!! You have failed no one. Please don’t think that because guilt can be a very depressing emotion. We all put on an act. It may be because we don’t want to upset people.
It’s not what others think of us but what we think of ourselves. Your dad may have been difficult, but I’m sure you loved him just the same and that’s what really matters. What you did at the end shows how much.
You say you want to break but can’t. Don’t bottle up emotions. Can you find someone to talk to and let it go? We can help a lot on here and you can get counselling which always helps.
The contrast between what your dad was and how he was when he died must be heartbreaking for you. Illness does often change us.
How do you know you were never good enough? Did he tell you so or is it how you felt? We can only do our best in the circumstances at the time. Never judge yourself in hindsight.
If they say about me at the end ‘he did his best’ that will do.
Many people, especially men, have difficulty expressing emotions. You dad may well have loved you because, by what you say, you were a devoted daughter. Perhaps he had problems expressing it.
If, as you say, he was an intimidating man he too may have bottled up his emotions. We just don’t know and can’t possibly judge.
Take care and come back and talk if you want. We all listen because we know.

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