Loss of estranged mother

My mother passed away unexpectedly on Saturday. I was estranged from her at her request. I had an abusive childhood and my parents and two older brothers all contributed to it in various ways and with different forms of abuse. It took moving away to different countries and a lot of therapy, reflection and support to begin to deal with it. I confronted my mother about various abuse done by her, my father and brothers in March this year. She replied by telling me to “just cut ties” when I was hoping for acknowledgment and an apology.
She died on Saturday. The funeral was held very quickly. I’m in the UK and couldn’t attend. Because of my childhood, I’m not close to or on good terms with my brothers. The one that molested me was her last caregiver.
I have my husband and children who are amazing. However, I have such an enormous amount of conflicting emotions. I have so much guilt - like wishing I’d just kept quiet and left the whole sexual abuse thing alone and maybe I could’ve gotten to say goodbye…. Then again the nightmares lessened.
I have such hurt and sadness because I’d hoped to one day reconcile and maybe, if I gave her enough money, then thing would have been okay and she’d be happy and happy with me. But my head tells me it’s a pipe dream. I’m trying to focus on good memories but the bad ones keep creeping in.
It’s so hard. It’s such a myriad of intense conflicting emotions, I don’t know how to move on.

Hi Aneesa,
Just read your post and my heart goes out to you.
We all have guilt feelings about something so please know it’s the grief making you feel the pangs of guilt. As for the abuse you did the right thing in speaking out. Never think otherwise.
What happened to you was wrong and no one should have to go through that.
I am so glad and happy you have such a supportive husband and family to call your own.
Your family is your future now.
You can’t change the past but don’t let it define you or your future or your family’s future. Don’t worry about people who don’t worry about you and I personally feel that includes family members.
Live your life and make yourself proud of the woman you have become.
Maybe one day you could visit her grave or in the meantime write a letter to her and explain how you feel. Keep the letter in a special place with maybe a photo of her. Or maybe plant a rise tree in her memory in your garden That’s all you can do for now
Thinking of you
Deborah x


Thank you for your kind words and very good advice. It helps to read it.

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You are very welcome.
I am no expert in all this and couldn’t want to be but if any of the rambling I post helps you then that makes me happy
Small steps every day ok
Deborah x

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Thank you. It definitely helped. I’m also going to contact our health insurance about getting therapy tomorrow to deal with this loss. Like you said… baby steps.
Thanks again and have a good evening