It’s been 2.5 years since my father, my best friend, died in a car accident on his way home from work and I am not coping well. In the days following his death, before his body had even been released, my mother began a legal battle against my sister and me. She and my father had been separated for 4 years, they didn’t speak to each other and she had/ has a new partner whom she lives with. The legal battle lasted a year and in the end cost me and my sister the home we shared with our father, our jobs and our friends as we both had to up root and move when our mother took it all from us. 1 year after our father’s death my sister and I gave up the fight and I haven’t had contact with my mother since. She doesn’t see the wrong in her actions and blames the loss of contact on us. Because of this, i don’t think i ever had time to process my father’s death. I have no motivation for work, I struggle to do house work and it’s a huge effort to get out of bed in the morning. I’m irritable and it’s starting to take its toll on my relationship. I don’t know what to do or how to move forward. The one person I would talk to about this, who could always make things alright, my father, is gone. How do i move forward? I just want it to stop hurting so much
Hi,
I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time at the moment. It must have been difficult enough losing your dad, your best friend, and then having to move out of your home as well as all the arguments with your Mum. That’s so much to cope with it must have been overwhelming for you.
From what I’ve read on the forum grief takes many different forms and can come at any time. It does sound as though you perhaps didn’t grieve at the time & now you are. Do you and your Sister live close to each other? Are you able to share how you’re both feeling?
When my Mum died, also my best friend, I had some bereavement counselling which really helped me. Like you & your Dad, it was my Mum I talked to about everything & now she wasn’t here. It does get easier with time, the sense of loss is always there though you just learn to accept it a little more. I did find that it changed from hurting to a sense of loss which was easier to live with.
Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you’re feeling? The forum has loads of lovely supportive people who will understand what you’re going through.
Keep posting & take care. Trudy x
Thanks for responding. I am feeling very isolated at the moment to be honest. My sister actually got married a year after the accident and her husband is in the R.A.F so she’s recently moved to Cyprus. I think maybe that’s why it’s all suddenly coming out now. I do have my partner who went through a similar situation about 8 years ago when his mother passed away after a long illness but I think he struggles sometimes. I know the pain is most likely the same but i can’t help feeling that at least he got to say goodbye, he got to prepare for the eventual loss so he can’t fully empathise. I also feel that he coped very differently, he just got on with things and it pushed him forward to go Uni to get a decent job and he can’t understand how or why I seem to have just shut down. I have contacted a bereavement councillor but I was told they couldn’t help me because i didn’t know what i wanted…I’m looking around at more but the thought of sitting in a room and talking about it is terrifying. I feel like I would just cry for the first 2 hours as that’s all i do lately whenever my father comes up. which is a lot.
Hi,
Sorry I haven’t replied. How are you doing?
Yes you’re right, people deal with loss and grief very differently. There are no right or wrongs, do what you need to and grieve in your own way.
I understand what you mean about the thought of counselling being terrifying. I did actually cry for a whole session. The counsellor was so understanding, they know how painful grief can be. Crying if you need to is the right thing to do, expressing any emotion is so important. In another session I was really angry and ranted for the 45 mins. Again the counsellor was amazingly understanding. They really have seen it all.
I still get upset about my Mum and that’s ok. Sometimes it takes me by surprise & I’ll get upset. Over time though I can remember & talk about my Mum with happier memories and less tears. Please try to be kind to yourself x