Lost my beautiful fiancée to cancer in November at the age of 54. miss her so much. She was my best friend. We’d always be planning things to do. Almost 2 months on. It’s not getting any easier. I’m barely leaving the house. Some days not even getting dressed. I just feel like what’s the point. I’m not sleeping. I lay in bed all day some days and doing the simplest of jobs around the house is an effort. Lost my mum and dad nearly 3 years ago. They died only days apart. I miss them deeply. But the pain of losing my fiancee. The person I went to sleep next to and woke up next to is off the scale. I know that people will say give it time. But I just feel in so much pain everyday.
1 Like
Karl84
Yes, Karl, Everyone reading your post knows exactly what you are going through. Pain in any form has a torturing and isolating effect no matter how many people surround you. Be gentle on yourself and when each day comes, do in that day only what you want to do. If you think something might help, try it. Don’t force anything. From what I know about bereavement it has a ‘mind’ of its own. It doesn’t bear being rushed. In normal bereavement, if it’s allowed to progress without rush, it will know somehow what you can manage. You’ve been through a trauma. And aren’t you - somewhere inside you - all right with the knowledge that you are capable of loving and grieving? I know people who don’t love anyone and a loss due to bereavement would only be a great ‘inconvenience’ to them. It’s awful I know, but the more we love someone the greater the grief. I’ll tell you something I did in those first terrible months of my loss. I turned on my television at very low volume and ran a series of DVDs of a comedy show. I didn’t watch the series but each day I could just hear the humour of the show. It took the emptiness out of the house completely. I felt like I had friends in the background. One day I found I hadn’t turned the TV on but continued if I needed to. I did read somewhere about doing something similar during grieving, and I can tell you it breaks the isolation. Any little thing you can do at your own pace to lighten your day helps more than you realise. Also, don’t of course neglect to get professional help, if you sense that things are spiralling out of control or you have friends urging you to do so.
1 Like
Thank you so much for those words. I go to sleep and think right I’m going to do something tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and my motivation just disappears. Is this me now? Is this my life ? It’s lost all direction and purpose. Thank you again for your kind words.
@Karl84 I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful fiancé, it is so hard losing our partners as they are our best friends , soul mates and so much more. Karl you are so very early in on this very sad “journey” it is normal to be feeling how you are . Please accept any support that is offered to you and take each day slowly, if you want to lie in bed then do that knowing at some point you will start feeling accepting of your loss . The pain is immense and only those of us who have experienced such losses understand, I am nearly 9 months into my “journey” and it is easier that’s not to say I don’t think about my wonderful partner everyday as I do . It’s just a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment for you , try to take care of yourself and think your beautiful fiancé would not want you to be so very sad . It’s a very lonely time and we just have to take baby steps a day at a time……..
1 Like
Thank you so much. Comforting words. I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad. But that’s easier said than done.at this moment I’m so sorry for your loss also. It’s so hard isn’t it? You really do have to go through something to fully understand it. Receiving your message and beautiful words from someone who has been through it. Is of great comfort. Thank you.
Hi Karl , how are you doing on this awful “journey” very early days for you and so very hard . I hope you are taking care of yourself and have some good support around you.
Hi Linda thank you so much for taking the time and checking on me. Still not sleeping great. Still not eating great. If I don’t have to do anything I don’t do it. I had my second session of counselling on Monday. So see how that goes. I did go out Saturday afternoon with friends. That was good. Paid for it the day haha. But just taking it day by day. Sitting in the house all day on my own isn’t good I know. But just don’t have alot of motivation at the moment. How are you doing yourself ?
As long as you are eating something. What you say is very normal for the time scale and you must just go with it , if you don’t feel like doing anything then that is what you should do, but the good thing is your recognise it is not good sitting on your own in the house all day long. Try and motivate your self to go for a nice walk. Grief is awful and we really have to just go with what it throws at us.
I hope the counselling will help you, try to make plans with friends as they will be a great support to you.
I am okay just a day at a time …….
Thanks again Linda for your words and encouragement. It really does help from someone who gets exactly how I’m feeling. As you’re experiencing those exact same feelings and thoughts too. I do find talking about my loss and about my beautiful Jane does help. But at the same time it’s very upsetting too. Reliving those weeks and days before her death as the cancer gradually took hold. See how she went from this beautiful life and soul of the party to looking like a ghost will live with me forever. But I think of all the good times we had . All the laughter and smile. You really do go through every emotion. Sorry for rambling on. Hope you’re doing ok. I know you’re further along this journey than me. But I can still imagine it’s still very very tough. If you need to get anything off your chest also. Feel free. Take care Linda.