This is the first time I’ve ever been through this at an age where I’ve been old enough to understand and play a part. I feel I’m exhausted even though it happened so quickly, I’ve been helping everyone else so much. I lost him and I feel guilty about it because I’ve been away and haven’t seen him. It’s like I can’t stop crying at all.
I’m so sorry I know exactly how you feel! My grandad was like my dad he was my everything, he died 2 days before my birthday, I was away for the weekend and he died and I felt so guilty that I wasnt there! but my nan said to be that there was probably a blessing because he wouldnt have wanted me or your grandparent wouldnt have wanted you there either! because it wouldve been too upsetting! I had the choice of seeing him though in the coffin - and do you know what I did? I walked in looked up and ‘I said I’m sorry my grandadi’ and ran out because I couldnt do it! I felt really guilty because I wasnt there! he was poorly beforehand - he went to the hospital and they said he had lukemia and he wouldnt have time, he died that we knew what it was! and I still struggle now but I wont say its easy but you have people and you have me if you need a chat about your grandparent! I can relate to you so much! I’m sending you all the love and my support! 
xx