Loss of my husband after 54 years
I feel very lonely but can’t cry. My husband was very ill with Parkinson’s and dementia and did not want to go down that road. I am 74 and just feel that I need to find new friends. We are new to this area and we’re only here 2 months when my husband died. I feel awful that I don’t feel like crying all the time, does anybody else feel this way
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Hello Lmoo, so sorry for your loss, and so many years together too…
My husband ‘J’ died on 8 Oct, and the third week was the absolute worse, sobbing uncontrollably all the time.
Yesterday, for the first time, I had a day that was not ‘too’ bad. I didn’t cry, and today was also not so bad, although I cried for about a minute when I came across a photo of one of our cats the J loved, and it set me off. Apart from that brief spell of feeling awfully sad for our life before he died, it’s 2 days now that I have been ‘ok’.
My husband took his own life, after years of challenges dealing with life. he is now at peace, and so for that I am relieved, but it doesn’t make me feel any ‘better’ it just enables me to rationalise a bit more on how difficult life was for him and understanding why he made this decision ( it was incredibly difficult dealing with this for many years, and it did affect me too).
Perhaps you feel your husband is no longer suffering and so at the moment you have no ‘need’ to cry?
I was worrying today, that perhaps I don’t miss him enough as I haven’t been crying, but my logical brain suggests that is nonsense.
Crying may happen at any time, and that is ok. There is no structure to grief, it can be 3 steps forward, then 2 steps back, or all over the place.
If it is difficult to meet new people ‘in real life’ perhaps you can join some local Facebook, or other online local groups for your village/town etc? This may be a gentle way of getting to know people. Of course, if there are local events and you feel comfortable attending them, that may also be something for you too?
Do keep posting on here, you will quickly find we are all in the same boat, one way or another, and it can be a source of comfort that you are definitely not alone. Best wishes.
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You are so right about this forum I have found great comfort on here and everyone is so supportive, I think I will always pop on no matter how much time passes, its just comforting to know you are not alone in how you feel and what your going through, I am 18 mths along this journey of grief and some days you are ok and the next your in bits xxx
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Thank you for your response. It must be so hard that your husband took his own life. My husband did actually say he wanted to do the same but didn’t have the courage. So the fact that he went down hill so quickly was a blessing to him but a shock for the family.
Your husband along with mine are at peace now x
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Hi Georgi
I didn’t know whether it was a good idea to post on here but you obviously have found it of some help. There is a local bereavement group but I am not sure if I should go or not. Might open up that part of me that has yet to grieve properly
Lonelymoo, I cried when my husband was diagnosed 3.5 years ago, the day he died, the day before and the day of his funeral on October 5. No more tears until November 12 when I tired to put air in my husband’s SUV tires, couldn’t, and had to ask for help with tears streaming.
I am not crying either. I thought there was something wrong, but it is a normal reaction. My husband was also very unwell. Perhaps we were prepared, I don’t know.
I would suggest finding a place that hosts and teaches Mahjong or Bridge. Church community centers, libraries, etc. There you will meet people close to your age and it is only a couple of hours a week. I started, but stopped when my husband died because my concentration is gone and I am no fun to be around yet. It was fun and we always brought our own coffee and treats to share.
It is ok to not cry. At this point in life, I have mourned so many people I love that I suppose I’ve learned to function while grieving.
You’re ok, I’m ok.
Much love.
Thank you for your reply. I am trying to get out there as much as possible but everything is booked for the whole of next year it’s crazy. I have got in to a few ladies groups and they are organising a few Christmas things and I am joining everything I can. We had a joint account and when I opened my new cheque book with just my name on that brought tears to my eyes. Just can’t get used to my own company but will have to eventually. Xx
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I am not very good at opening up to strangers in person so haven’t gone to grief meetings, but it is easier to-open up on this forum and hearing others stories and how they feel makes you realise what your going through and how you feel is normal. The people on here are so supportive and just genuinely nice that interacting on here boosts my mood on my bad days xxx
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It’s difficult to know what you are feeling when your partner for so long departs from a journey he didn’t want to make. I have very few tears and just feel empty and lonely.
I am joining everything I can find and hopefully will get comfortable with myself.
You take care xx
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