in 2020 the world was in chaos
I was going though my daily routine sanitising work surfaces door handles because
My husband had SLE an autoimmune disease so I had to be extra careful
He broke his leg and died 24 days after
He had caught covid-19 C-diff and infection on the ward
3yrs on why am I so so angry? some days it overwhelm me I don’t sleep because as I fall asleep I can hear the screams as he lay on the floor for several hours
Our family was so close life changed beyond imagination we were lick of a chain linked together but now everything is fragmented and the biggest part is missing I hate the noise of silence and the loneliness
When someone dies part of me died I was 19yr when we met he was 25 I knew he was the one
I just like one hour with him to say why did you leave me one my own? and I am sorry I didn’t keep him safe, have a cwtch and say I love you our superman 
I try really hard not to put loss into categories, ( my loss is greater than yours, I feel it more than you - all that sort of thing ) but deep down on the gloomiest days …and boy oh boy do I still have plenty of them - I feel sure I know that lock-down losses really were something else. Added little bits of pain and suffering and indignity for those dying through lock-downs, and heaps of extra remorse and guilt and all the rest of the vileness grief throws at us for those of us left behind and who at the time had to watch from a distance as our loved ones went through it. I don’t know. Perhaps all deaths are a mess, but I find it so hard sometimes when hear on the news someone or other has "passed away peacefully surrounded by their family ". 3 and three quarters years on, and I still find that anger and resentment bubbles up no matter what happy face I try to cover it up with. I hope it stops one day. I hope yours does too.