Loss of much loved Nan/hideous family problems/not coping

First of all I am guessing that some of you will find the following difficult to believe, it is devastating to have to write it and I almost can not believe it myself.

It has been a hideous few years. My immediate family are extremely small, my Dad or his family are not around and I have no siblings or Aunts/uncles on the maternal side either.
So it was always just my Mother and her parents.
I have never had a good relationship with my mother. She had me very young and resented that I somewhat put a hold on her parting etc.
Therefore my Nan pretty much took over and brought me up. We were SO incredibly close when I was younger particularly.
I have fond, wonderful memories of watching our favourite film (Sound of music) with a bag of sweets, playing with her, her telling me off (playfully) when a friend staying over and I polished off a tin of roses hidden for Christmas and made ourselves sick!
She was a wonderful Grandmother - so loving and caring - she was the one who nursed me through measles, chicken pox and other childhood illnesses.

Approx 5 years ago she was unfortunately diagnosed with Dementia and suffered a series of small strokes, falls and other health issues. It was becoming an increasing struggle for my Grandfather to care for her.

Then a serious family feud meant that I, my mother and Grandfather had to go our separate ways.
It was horrendous. I had to have counselling and almost had a breakdown because of it.
I had to ‘walk away’ from my mother and go no contact for my own sanity. I was then cut-off from my Grandparents.
I tried to contact them to no avail, I sent cards and letters and made calls etc. I later learned that my mother had put my Nan in a nursing home.

So I got on with my life as best I could. I should have done more and the guilt that I didn’t is eating away at me so badly I am in physical pain.

So out of the blue on Tuesday I see a post on Facebook of all places. It stated “Does anyone know a Mr xxxxx xxxx I have sympathy cards for him delivered to my address in error”.
(I belong to a particular ‘group’ in our area and get updates on my timeline)
The family name is unusual and I immediately knew who it was referring to. I was in a supermarket at the time and started sobbing and shaking. It was horrendous.
So I contacted a distant family member who confirmed it.

Since then things have gone from bad to worse if that was possible. I have emailed my mother asking for information as to funeral arrangements and where she is resting so I can send flowers and have received no reply whatsoever.

I contacted the distant cousin but she doesn’t know either. She only found out through a friend of my mother’s who when she bumped into her assumed she knew (most of the family with the exception of my Mother and I live in a small village, the same village that I grew up in and a lot of them know one another)

I have also found out that she was in hospital for over 3 months prior to her passing and I was never told. She had to have a leg removed and developed a serious infection.
I am furious that I wasn’t told because I would have loved to visit her. She was a gorgeous, very proud lady who always looked her best. The loss of a leg would have been devastating for her and my Mother is far too selfish to give her any reassurance or comfort.

So I have finally managed to get the details regarding the funeral from the cousin who asked a few people and I am going, but I am really not coping very well with the shock of finding out suddenly and in such a dreadful way and also the ‘suddnenes’ and finality of it all.

To me she is still that feisty, caring, smart, wonderful lady who always looked so gorgeous. It is so hard to think that she is not here anymore and I will never see her again. The pain and guilt is so horrible, I don’t know how to function or to go on like this.

How do I even cope with the funeral next week?

Why won’t anyone help me??

Hello Peace
I reached out to you with a private message, did you receive this at all?

I’m not able to re-send it as I cleared my in-box of all messages this morning but I’m more than willing to try and help by listening as I’m going through similar and know how absolutely horrific this is. If you wish to chat just pop over a private message via the envelope icon next to your name and I will reply if you like. Keep going, I know how hard this is.

Hello Peace
Your post has a lot of sadness running through it,family troubles lead to so many mixed emotions.If it was me i would go to the funeral too,although if you feel you cannot,your nan is always with you in your heart.I,m sorry i cannot give you much help with it all,mending the bridges between family depends on so many things.I would try to let any guilt go as it will only make yourself feel ill,remember your nan as the wonderful feisty lady you describe.I do hope for you that you can find a calmer future,with more peace in it like your profile name.We cannot change what has already happened,but we can choose how to take the next step Take care xx